A Cure for Hiccups

I was at a wedding the past spring, one of many. At this particular wedding, I was listening to the speeches given by the maid of honor and best man when I started hiccuping. My body shook every few seconds, muscles involuntarily tightening and then loosening. A friend placed her hand on my back to ask if I was okay. I nodded. I couldn’t do anything about it.

Maybe the “home remedies” for hiccups–holding your breath for 10 seconds, quickly drinking a glass of water, getting scared by a friend, cupping an ice cube behind your knee, breakdancing, staring at a second cousin without blinking for 60 seconds–work for some of you, but they have no effect on me. When I get the hiccups, I’ve got them for hours. I don’t want to go so far as to say they ruin the night, but they definitely make it more difficult to enjoy a good meal.
A hiccup is basically just a spasm of the diaphragm. The spasm is caused by eating too quickly (often spicy foods), drinking alcohol, or swallowing too much air. Not too complicated. So hiccups must be curable, right? All it would take would be a pill that would relax your diaphragm. I’m sure this could be invented.
The key, however, is no one is going to buy, much less carry around, hiccup medicine. It’s so rare that you get hiccups that you just wouldn’t worry about that. So you’d have to combine the hiccup medicine with something more common. Thus, I present to you:
Tums Hiccup!
You heard me. Tums Hiccup. Think about it. You’re at the grocery store, ready to buy some Tums, and right there next to the normal Tums is a bottle of something called Tums Hiccup. It’s a quarter extra, but the label says that it can make hiccups go away in about 5 minutes, heaven forbid you ever get them at an inopportune time. Of course you buy it.
Tums Hiccup. Because you never know when your diaphragm’s going to spasm at the same time that you’re experiencing indigestion.

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