Fist Names: More Important than Your Middle Name

It is my wish that none of you ever have to get in a fist fight. I never have, and I hope to keep it that way. What’s my secret, you ask? Do I consistently choose flight over fight? Am I quick with diffusing wit? Do I simply avoid dive bars, raves, and elementary school playgrounds?

The answer is none of the above. Rather, the secret to avoiding fist fights is having really effective fist names. With two great fist names putting your best foot forward, you can diffuse a fight before it happens.

There are a few guidelines for fist names:
  1. The two names must be connected in some way to you.
  2. The two names must be related to one another.
  3. The names need not be fight or strength related (i.e., Tyson and Ali). An amusing contrast can actually diffuse a fight more effectively than two aggressive names.
  4. Fist name presentation is key. You can’t just hold them up and say their names. You have to preface them with something like, “I’d like you to meet…” or “You need to speak with…” or “To get to me, you’ll have to first go through….”
  5. If the fist name gimmick doesn’t work, just buy the guy a beer and walk away. Your friends may say they have your back, and they do, but they really don’t want to.

Here are a few fist name suggestions:

  • Crime and Punishment
  • Hans and Franz
  • Cain and Abel
  • Law and Order
  • The Monitor and the Meramac
  • Sense and Sensibility
  • Bert and Ernie
  • Dasher and Dancer
  • Pomp and Circumstance

Mine: A Rock and A Hard Place (as in “Back off, my friend, or you’re going to be stuck between…”).

Post your fist names on the comments board.

3 Responses to “Fist Names: More Important than Your Middle Name”

  1. […] Jon Stewart named his fists on live television the other day. Sorry if anyone else wanted these fist names; Stewart has claimed them as his own. […]

  2. Fistinator says:

    F*ckin’ A and F*ckin’ B.

  3. O' Connor says:

    My right is St. Patrick and my left is Mari Mac

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