Seems like every time I turn on CSPAN (daily) or Fox News (virtually never), I see something else about our impending financial disaster-layoffs, banks failing, a plummeting stock market, house values falling, and consumer spending at all time lows. This is serious stuff. But I’m here to tell you, it’s going to be okay. Simply follow these 5 simple rules and we’ll all make it out of this thing in one piece.
One quick side note, in a shameless effort to get Jamey some cheap search engine traffic, I’ll be peppering this post with as many gratuitous uses of phrases like Economic Crisis, Bailout Bill, and Britney Spears as possible.
And away we go:
1. Don’t Panic
Work hard, spend wisely, protect your investments, and keep a good level head on your shoulders. Take control of things you can and try not to stress about those you can’t. If you’re nervous about bank failures and market crashes, diversify your investments as much as possible. For those of you with a low tolerance for risk, I suggest placing your nest egg in a high interest savings account backed by an FDIC insured institution or even buying government bonds. If you’re feeling up for it, snag some of the bargain stocks that are on the market for a good long term investment. Just be prepared to ride out those ups and downs. JoshVision’s sleeper stock pick-United States Steel Corp (X). Thank me later.
2. Duct tape
As my father likes to say “It aint broke, it just lacks duct tape.” Take that advice with a grain of salt though-he’s not exactly a licensed contractor. But I agree with him that if duct tape can’t fix the economy, then nothing can. Plus, if you get really desperate, you can always drop a roll in a pot of boiling water to make a nice hearty and delicious broth. A perfect meal for any low budget occasion.
3. Go Green
I’m actually not really sure what this means but I saw some headline on CNN about it. If it means drinking more Guinness and Bailey’s Irish Cream, then I’m way ahead of you, America.
4. “Recession proof” your home
Remember those rolls of plastic sheets the media told us to buy a few years ago in case of horrific biological terrorist attack? Time to put them to use. Simply wrap your home in as many sheets as you can get your hands on. Secure with any duct tape you have left over from dinner. Keep that nasty recession out! And if you have them, use as many of those plastic plug things for your electrical sockets as you can get your hands on. This is also a great way to keep your home fresh.
Of course you need to panic! This is freak out time, people! Have you been watching the news? It’s a G-damn Economic Crisis! Put your money into a giant coffee can, pack up the SUV and take your kids and your pets and move far far away from this madness. Do it now! This is a world where a peanut butter cookie can kill a man! What other signs do you need?
That’s it, Britney Spears fans. Follow these simple tactics and we’ll all make it out of this Economic Crisis in one piece. Now let’s get out there and show the world the true resolve of this great country.