To the Polls: Salma Hayek vs. Penelope Cruz

For centuries, men have debated the hotness and sexiness of Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. Early Babylonian buildings depict mug shots of the two women facing each other, as if about to enter combat. During the Renaissance, painters and sculpters created works of great beauty for the woman they favored. And, of course, both Hayek and Cruz were allowed to fight to see who could sign the American Declaration of Independence, because our founding fathers thought they might kiss.

To decide the true answer, once and for all, I’ve posted a poll below for you, faithful reader, to vote. I’ve also asked two friends, Mike and Eric, to post their arguments for the woman they favor. Mike has been a Hayek supporter since she breastfed him when he was young, and Eric simply likes women who look like they’d give it up for him. Feel free to support them by reading their blogs–Mike writes an entry once a year, and Eric discusses the Atlanta Hawks whenever they’re winning (also once a year).

On with the arguments and photos. I tried to select photos of equal attractiveness. Keep in mind that there’s much more to these women than mere looks–there’s allure, sexuality, and cleavage to consider.

Salma Hayek: Let’s get this out of the way: Salma Hayek is not a good actress. She does not take good parts, is not convincing in any role she has ever portrayed, and can barely speak any language fluently, including Spanish.

And yet she’s an A-list Hollywood actress. Why is this? Because Salma Hayek is hot. She is way hotter than any girl you have ever met, period. You know that one time, in Vegas, you were in that restaurant and your buddy pointed out that girl who was in that movie and you were like “Oh my god that girl is way hotter in person”? Yeah, Salma Hayek is like an order of magnitude hotter than that. She’s the reason you thought Desperado was a good movie when you were 13 (you were wrong). She’s the reason why you sat through After the Sunset thinking “this might not be such a bad movie” (wrong again). She’s the reason you reconsidered uni-brows after your girlfriend made you sit through Frida (alas, wrong. Unibrows are disgusting).

But you were not wrong, young grasshopper, about the hotness of Salma Hayek. You still like Desperado, despite the fact that it has Quentin Tarantino in an acting role. And you are not ashamed. Hold your head high, gentlemen. Truth is on your side. If Salma Hayek can feed an entire African nation with one breast, she deserves your vote.

Penelope Cruz: It’s disappointing that an argument needs to be made, really.  Penelope vs. Salma?  I feel like I’m ringside at one of those Mike Tyson fights where he fights one of those sacrificial lambs en route to reclaiming his heavyweight championship bout.  But I digress.  When rating a woman (which in essence, is what we are doing here), I like to use the “fine wine” test.  Do you not care how rough it goes down, only looking to get the buzz which has been missing all week?  Or do you want to sip and enjoy, experiencing that escalating taste of euphoria which results in an explosion of flavors in your mouth?  I choose the latter.  You see, Salma, like that cheap wine, has no qualities which separate her from the rest of her pack.  Sure, her bustiness may be reason for excitement, but do you buy a bigger bottle of wine just to get a better high not caring of the aftertaste left in your mouth?  Try not to think too hard because the answer is no.  Instead, I suggest the refined product; that which tingles the back of your throat until you salivate all over yourself in excitement.  Penelope Cruz.  She oozes an aura of class and has managed to stay away from the Hollywood limelight just enough to be draped in “foreign mystery” (she’s Spanish, which means she won’t scream when you go at her like a matador).  She’s old enough to warrant “cougar status” (she’s 34), but just young enough to not even make you think twice about going “hunting.”  And let’s not forget whose she’s dated: Tom Cruise.  Now, I’m not the kind of guy who gets his rocks off by thinking about other dudes certain women have been with.  But when that guy’s Maverick–my boyhood idol whose seduction technique I followed up until puberty–hell she can be my wingman anytime.

If you would like to write an argument for a debate that you’re passionate about, let me know by posting in the comments section.

Last you may be wondering why I didn’t include other Latina Fantasticas in this poll–Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones, that lady in that horrible movie Spanglish. My answer: For some reason, those women never come up in this debate. The debate is always Hayek or Cruz. If that’s the debate people have over a beer, that’s the debate for this blog.