Who the Hell Is Nancy? Part 4

kaya-drivingI’m back by popular demand (and by popular demand, I mean one person told Jamey that he liked my blog entries so I decided to write an entry every once in a while)!  I’m going to provide what the masses want and if the masses want more Nancy, the masses will get more Nancy.  Or at least that one guy will. 

So I’m going to dedicate this blog entry to a love of mine: dogs.

I’m that person who walks into PetSmart to get shampoo for my one dog and walks out adopting another dog (and I of course forget the shampoo).  I have the smartest dog ever.  Her name is Kaya, which means “forgiveness” in Rastafarian.  When I tell her to go to her bed, she does!  When I tell her to sit, shake, hi-five, lay down, and roll over, she does (when I have a treat in my hand…come on, she doesn’t just give it up for free!  I taught her better than that)!  She can sense emotions and responds to them appropriately.  For instance, when I’m upset, she sits next to me and cries.  When I’m happy, she gives me her paws so we can dance and celebrate.  She can even drive a car for crying out loud!  She can go for an hour and a half long drive and only need to stop once to lick herself!  

Now there’s one problem.  With my love for dogs comes the unimaginable: I am NOT a lover of cats.

I know what you’re thinking…”Nancy, you’re Egyptian.  Don’t you walk around carrying a cat on a beautifully ornate pillow and worship it 5 times a day?”  Um, no.  No I don’t.  Cats freak me out.  For those of you who know Jamey, you can see how my dislike for cats poses a problem.  Here’s just a taste of our conversations when Biddy is around:


Jamey: Awww…look!  Biddy is hovering over your dinner plate and smelling it!  Isn’t that cute?

Nancy (picking cat hair out of her pasta): Uh huh.


Jamey: Did Biddy keep you up all night playing on your bed?

Nancy (with blood shot eyes from lack of sleep and bumping into the wall on the way to the bathroom): Uh huh.

Jamey: Awww!


Jamey: Awww…look!  Biddy is chewing on your laptop’s power cord!  Isn’t that adorable?

Nancy: Are you freaking serious?

Jamey: What?


My issue with cats is that they are too independent.  I can’t look to a cat to be able to read my emotions and respond the way I want it to respond.  I can’t look to a cat for support.  I tried it once.  I looked to a cat for support when I got my nose pierced and I was trying to convince my parents to let me keep it.  I found a postcard of ancient Egypt with a picture of a cat with its nose pierced.  I tried to convince them that having my nose pierced was part of our culture.  It didn’t work.  Dad said he wouldn’t pay for college anymore if I didn’t take it out.  I got rid of the piercing faster than you can say Snuffaluffagus.  Damn cat. 

Rebuttals, Stegmaier and other cat lovers out there?  Let’s hear it.

No Responses to “Who the Hell Is Nancy? Part 4”

  1. Ebert says:

    Hmm…Cats have a lot of disadvantages: most lack emotion and the capacity to care about anything, they don’t listen to you, they don’t play fetch or any other fun game, and the occasional hairball is utterly disgusting.

    • Ah…but some cats are just dogs who are willing to poop in a box. Like my cat. He’ll play fetch, he’ll follow you around and want to know what you’re doing, and he has a lot of feelings. He doesn’t always listen, but he generally comes when you ask him to. And he doesn’t even spit hairballs because he has short hair! He’s amazing.

  2. Trevor says:

    Cats vs. Jamey, the great debate. (That is what we’re talking about, right?) Let’s have a five round title bout. Round 1: Cats lack the ability to care about anything or to show emotion. Jamey just blogged about his lack of ability to understand human emotion, but at least he’s working on it (Jamey 1, cats 0). Round 2: However, a British survey found that 62% of females rated their cats as more cuddly than their human partners (cats 1, Jamey 1). Round 3: Black cats crossing your path are bad luck. Jamey crossing your path is just a pleasant encounter (Jamey 2, cats 1). Round 4: Cats poop exactly where you want them to, it takes no training, and it’s easy to clean up (comparatively). Jamey poops wherever he wants and often more than once per day (cats 2, Jamey 2). Round 5: Cats are quick, but they’re often underfoot. Jamey is the fastest white man…at least in the midwest, and he’s too big to be underfoot (Jamey 3, cats 2). At this point, I’d give Jamey a 3-2 victory over cats. Nancy, how would you score this…or, as judge #2, did you note other things that I did not?

    • I’m please to see that I barely edge out a cat in your bout. I have to agree with Nancy that I’m way more cuddly than a cat. That’s what I do.

      I’m definitely faster than a cat, but cats have other advantages, among them the ability to squeeze through really tight spaces and to land on their feet after high/awkward falls.

  3. Siskel says:


  4. Nancy says:

    Good point, Siskel!

    Trevor, I actually disagree with your scoring. And I would add one more round. I agree with your Round 1 analysis: Jamey is trying. The cat is not. I disagree with your Round 2 analysis: Jamey is much more cuddly than Biddy. Biddy bites when I try to cuddle with him. Jamey just nibbles. Round 3: I agree as well. Always a pleasure. Round 4: I disagree. Jamey may poop more frequently, but he is extremely efficient and spends minimal time in the bathroom. He also knows how to use air freshener. Mark and Stephanie’s cat Winston had the worst smelling poop ever–I threw up in my mouth a little. Round 5: I also agree. However, there was this one time in ‘Nam when we raced and I left him in my dust. Round 6: Biddy will carry around leaves in his mouth and play with them all day. It’s adorable. Jamey, on the other hand, does not carry leaves in his mouth. It’s disappointing. So my final score is Jamey 5, Biddy 1.

    • I’m happy to see that I won greatly over Biddy. I don’t actually use air freshener, as I, like most men, actually enjoy the smell of my own poop (okay, “enjoy” isn’t the right word…but there is some sense of satisfaction, like an animal leaving his mark on the world).

      Good point about the leaves. The major downside about the leaves is that the cat breaks them apart as they get more and more brittle, to the point that they’re scattered all over the place.

      Sidenote: Biddy knocked a roll of toilet paper into the toilet the other day. He’s anti-environment.

  5. Joe S says:

    I heard a rumor once that cats would attack you in their sleep if they thought they could win. They are mini-tigers after all.

  6. Neeraja says:

    Cats suck. Let’s get rid of all the damn cats.


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