ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – In an effort to improve the appeal of the Gateway City, Mayor Francis Slay announced today that St. Louis will return to its French roots “across the spectrum.”
“Today we tip our hats to Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette, discovers of this great land. Merci!”, said the mayor on Monday, citing Wikipedia as his primary source.
Aside from the appeal of being labeled the “Europe of the Midwest,” Slay stated economic motivations behind the move.
“Obviously we’ll be using the Euro from now on,” he said at the press conference. “This will have an immediate positive impact on the St. Louis economy, all the way from the rue de 270 beltway to the rue de Martin Luther King Boulevard.”
He went on applaud the strength of the Euro, which is currently trading at $1.39:1.
“For a $3 tank of gas, now you’ll only have to pay 1 Euro for a full liter!” proclaimed Slay.
All speed limits will switch over to kilometers per hour by the end of June. Some of the infrastructural changes have been in effect for months, such as the switch from traffic lights to traffic circles in Forest Park, the recent proliferation of crepe restaurants and gelaterias, and the mandatory garbage strike held over Memorial Day weekend.
When asked how the city would enforce the new pronunciation rules, which require St. Louisans to say all street names with a French accent (see pronuciation guide, bottom), Slay shrugged. “You either say ‘San Louie’ or you get deported to the French penal colony.”
“Canada,” he clarified.
Slay added that St. Louis would indeed switch over to a city-sponsored healthcare program, but that he’d need to “queue [his] Netflix for that Michael Moore movie” to learn more about how it works.
Copyright 2009, The Ass Press. Note that I have nothing at all against Slay–I just wanted to use the real mayor’s name for this fake article.
Albert Pujols (al-burt poo-holes) –> al-bear poo-yo
Bon Secours (bahn seh-koo-ers) –> boh seh-koo
Carondolet (ka-ron-doh-let) –> ka-ron-doh-lay
Creve Coeur (kreev coor) –> krehv koo-lay
De Baliviere Ave (duh-bah-li-ver) –> day-bah-li-vay
Imo’s Pizza (ee-mohz pee-tza) –> ee-moh pee-sah
toasted ravioli (toh-sted reh-vee-oh-lee) –> toh-stay reh-vee-oh-lay