The Unified Theory of Meat

The other day I saw a Hardees ad for their featured burger of the month. It’s called the French Dip Thickburger, and it looks disgusting.Hardees

Why such a negative reaction? After all, French dip is good and burgers are good. But Hardees committed a key error: It put two different versions of the same meat next to one another. That’s not cool.

When I realized that, it dawned on me that there needs to be a unified theory of meat. Some rules, if you will. I’ve compiled them below.

  1. Two different versions of the same meat cannot be served next to one another. You don’t put a burger on steak. You don’t put lamb chops on a lamb gyro. You don’t put raw salmon on cooked salmon. It just doesn’t work.
  2. The same versions of different meats can be served next to one another. Deli sandwiches, rainbow rolls, etc–that’s how deliciousness is made.
  3. Bacon goes on every meat except for other versions of pork. Also, bacon makes any singular meat better, with the exception of raw fish.
  4. Lobster is the rich man’s bacon. Lobster goes on pretty much any meat and makes it better. If you put bacon AND lobster on another piece of meat, you have the Trifecta.
    1. Sidenote: I yearn for the day that scientists create a hybrid pig-lobster (a pigster).
  5. Meat stuffed with other meat is instantly better than meat on its own. What would you rather order, sea bass or sea bass stuffed with lump crab meat?
  6. You can stuff an infinite number of fowl into fowl. The turducken is just the beginning.
  7. Smoking any cooked meat makes it better. Go to Iron Barley in St. Louis if you don’t believe me. And bring me back a prime rib.
  8. Grilling any meat makes it better. Especially charcoal. Don’t think about the carcinogens.
  9. Frying any meat makes it edible, but not necessarily good. See: Frog legs.
  10. Kosher is better. I’m not Jewish, but it doesn’t matter. A kosher hot dog tastes considerably better than your average Oscar Meyer.

Also, don’t forget that meat comes from animals. It’s easy think that meat comes from the grocery store, but really, that lamb chop you’re eating used to look like this:

He just makes you want to snuggle with him and then eat him, doesn’t he?

Feel free to agree, disagree, or add some meat rules of your own.

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