The Brothers Stegmaier

As a birthday treat, I asked my brother and sister to roast me on this blog. I knew their words would make me laugh, but I didn’t expect they’d move me the way they did. Thanks, Emily and Andrew. You’re the best.

As a birthday “gift” to Jamey, Emily and I (Andrew) have agreed to hold a short virtual roast for our big brother on his blog. I’m supposed to pull out the most embarrassing stuff—the things that only a family member would know. As his younger brother, I’ve always looked up to Jamey because he has been, for as long as I can remember, five years older than me. He got to do all the cool stuff way before I did. Driving, dating, high school, college, traveling abroad—you name it, he did it first.

I had always aspired to be like him, but, to my dismay, when he went off to college in St. Louis, the gap widened even more. Things that would take most people until the end of college, he was doing before Christmas of his freshman year. Specifically, he managed to, in record time, entirely forget the spatial layout of his hometown, Richmond (specifically, Chesterfield). I’m pretty sure if you handed him the car keys at our house and asked him to drive to his high school—on a route that he travelled back and forth every day for at least two years—he would be unable to do it. One time, he wanted to visit a friend in Ashland, many miles to the north of Richmond. He called my mom when he was many miles to the west. Wrong interstate? My bad! Its okay, though, “Nine-ty-five” sort of sounds like “Six-ty-four,” right?

Jamey might be spatially challenged about Richmond, but there is one thing he can always tell you how to get to: the bathroom. And he is more than willing to share his knowledge—to the point that he will walk you there, even when he doesn’t need to use it.  Once, at a rest area on the road to West Virginia, he kindly extended this courtesy to me. I get very engrossed in talking and in thought, so its helpful to be able to rely on someone else to guide me. Helpful, that is, unless your brother deliberately leads you to the women’s bathroom before changing directions at the last minute because he “doesn’t have to go anymore.” Mom? What are you doing in here?

Many years later, I’ve finally found it within myself to forgive him. Sort of. But in all seriousness, Jamey has been a great older brother—I’ve treasured the time we’ve had together, and I’m looking forward to traveling west to see him in St. Louis more often. I just hope I don’t end up in Boston.

0 thoughts on “The Brothers Stegmaier”

  1. I would never, ever allow either of my brothers, or any family member for that matter, to roast me, in public. On the other hand, that’s what we spend all of our time together doing anyway.


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