Take Note

I will refer to things that happened to me in ‘Nam and ’73 with a wistful tone even though I wasn’t born until 1981.

I will pretend to know everything about wine (I barely drink wine).

I will misuse and mispronounce many words.

I will get more and more calm as you get more and more angry.

I will punctuate arguments with sudden nudity.

I will sometimes put my finger in your mouth as you try to complete a yawn.

I will interrupt sexy or deep conversations with inappropriate humor–I am always playful.

I will compare fancy dinners to meals that I had decades ago in exotic cities I’ve never been to.

I will, at times, refer to myself as “Papa.”

I will dote on my cat just as much, if not more, than I dote on you.

I will pretend to throw a temper tantrum for comical effect by kicking my legs really hard.

I will eat an entire bag of popcorn after a night of drinking.

I will want you to turn off the lights and put your palm on my forehead when I get a migraine.

I will not allow Cheetos in the house.

I will pee and poop with the bathroom door open. [Update 7/9/13: I’m reconsidering this one for future relationships.]

I will be unnaturally curious about what you’re doing in the bathroom when you close the door.

I will pluck rogue hairs from your body when you’re not looking.

I will put my hand on your knee when I’m driving, and I’d like the same from you.

I will do lunges when I’m naked.

I will smell your hair every time I see you. I’ll love your scent.

I will sometimes unclasp your bra without you realizing it.

I will take forever to brush my teeth. Every time.

I will dance to songs at home in ways that may appear fruity to the untrained eye.

I will communicate only by grunts and chirps in the middle of the night.

I will dilute soda and juice (2/5 water, 2/5 soda or juice; sometimes soda and juice)

I will always be happy when you give me back scratchies.

I will ask that you not put your things on my desk.

I will kiss you until your skin goes numb. I love to kiss.

I will ask you to open jars of peanut butter for me.

I will protect you from any harm that comes your way, but I will not be possessive of you.

I will laugh at both your good jokes and your bad jokes.

I will exclaim surprise and dismay by saying, “Mamacita!” It’s from Seinfeld.

I will give you my honest opinion about that dress (unless you only want encouragement).

I will recognize the little things you do.

I will believe everything you tell me.

I will go all in with you.

I will dance with you.

I will commit to you.

I will include you.

I will love you.

9 Responses to “Take Note”

  1. […] (That line is also in this infamous blog entry.) […]

  2. Ansley says:

    Marry me?

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I’m glad I wrote this when I was all romantic. I think I’m more cynical now. And yet it’s all still true. What guy doesn’t love the smell of his woman’s hair? Damn I miss that.

  3. Leandra says:

    I was led into this post from your other one…and this is so great Jamey! When you find the “one”, which I just feel like I know is out there and just waiting to meet you…you must hand-write this and frame it and either propose to her with it, or give it as your first wedding gift! This is one of the sweetest, most brutally honest writings I’ve ever seen from a man, and any woman would/should be so lucky to have a man that is that honest with himself…and her. Keep up the good work buddy…you’ll have the woman of your dreams soon enough! 🙂

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Thanks Leandra, that’s very sweet of you to say. I’m sure all people have lists of quirks like this…maybe they just don’t post them on their public blog. 🙂

  4. Sara says:

    I could handle all of that – ‘cept the pooping with the door open. (Some things just aren’t meant to be shared IMO and that one would gross me out.) I’m sure you have a list of your dealbreakers for a potential mate as well. The rest of that list is, as Leandra said, sweet, romantic, awesome, etc. I am stymied as to why you haven’t been snatched up by a great woman long before now.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Actually, I think I may need to revise the pooping one thanks to that article I recently linked to. I think he had a great point–when you think about your partner, you don’t want to think about them pooping.

      • Sara says:

        Yeah when you make the leap from single to not-single, there are certain concessions you have to make, lest you find yourself single once again. (i.e. no humping any legs except hers (especially in public) and closing the door when you’re gonna stink up the place.)

        I leave my husband notes sometimes a quick request for that night’s dinner (he’s home before me in the evenings). He sure has a bounce in his step and a twinkle in his eye when I mention in that same note that he’s the appetizer. I feel good knowing he’s felt like that all day. I dunno… there are all kinds of little things to keep things going. 🙂

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          No humping legs?! I don’t know if I can do that.

          I like that you keep the flirtation going! I think that goes a long way.

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