I will refer to things that happened to me in ‘Nam and ’73 with a wistful tone even though I wasn’t born until 1981.
I will pretend to know everything about wine (I barely drink wine).
I will misuse and mispronounce many words.
I will get more and more calm as you get more and more angry.
I will punctuate arguments with sudden nudity.
I will sometimes put my finger in your mouth as you try to complete a yawn.
I will interrupt sexy or deep conversations with inappropriate humor–I am always playful.
I will compare fancy dinners to meals that I had decades ago in exotic cities I’ve never been to.
I will, at times, refer to myself as “Papa.”
I will dote on my cat just as much, if not more, than I dote on you.
I will pretend to throw a temper tantrum for comical effect by kicking my legs really hard.
I will eat an entire bag of popcorn after a night of drinking.
I will want you to turn off the lights and put your palm on my forehead when I get a migraine.
I will not allow Cheetos in the house.
I will pee and poop with the bathroom door open. [Update 7/9/13: I’m reconsidering this one for future relationships.]
I will be unnaturally curious about what you’re doing in the bathroom when you close the door.
I will pluck rogue hairs from your body when you’re not looking.
I will put my hand on your knee when I’m driving, and I’d like the same from you.
I will do lunges when I’m naked.
I will smell your hair every time I see you. I’ll love your scent.
I will sometimes unclasp your bra without you realizing it.
I will take forever to brush my teeth. Every time.
I will dance to songs at home in ways that may appear fruity to the untrained eye.
I will communicate only by grunts and chirps in the middle of the night.
I will dilute soda and juice (2/5 water, 2/5 soda or juice; sometimes soda and juice)
I will always be happy when you give me back scratchies.
I will ask that you not put your things on my desk.
I will kiss you until your skin goes numb. I love to kiss.
I will ask you to open jars of peanut butter for me.
I will protect you from any harm that comes your way, but I will not be possessive of you.
I will laugh at both your good jokes and your bad jokes.
I will exclaim surprise and dismay by saying, “Mamacita!” It’s from Seinfeld.
I will give you my honest opinion about that dress (unless you only want encouragement).
I will recognize the little things you do.
I will believe everything you tell me.
I will go all in with you.
I will dance with you.
I will commit to you.
I will include you.
I will love you.