Two Things to Do If You’re Bored

If you want to laugh out loud, read the following two excerpts from David Cross’s book, “I Drink for a Reason.” These are a few of his suggestions of things to do when you’re bored.

“When an employee at a store (the Gap, or anywhere where you are hounded as soon as you enter by someone seeking a commission as a supplement to their minimum wage) comes up to you from behind and asks you if you need any help, act completely startled. Jump a bit and say, “Oh! You scared me!” and laugh a little bit to yourself. But don’t stop laughing. That’s the key. Laugh for about a minute and a half, always looking to the employee for some assurance, and then, in as smooth a transition as possible, start crying. Cry softly for a minute and then fall to the floor and take a nap, crying yourself to “sleep.” Then refuse to leave until someone brings you a glass of warm milk. Buy one sock. Immediately return it.”

“If you are on a long flight, bring onboard one of those S & M black leather, one-piece masks with no eyeholes and just a zipper for the mouth. Wear it, and when somone inevitably complains, explain that it’s your “sleep mask” and you would appreciate not being disturbed. Try to do this in an aisle seat and keep your head as far out into the aisle as possible. At some later point, order a glass of wine and drink it with the mask on through your zipper hole. Then, with the mask still on, complain about how the movie is not “family friendly” enough. Also fart and get frustrated at not being able to smell it.”


3 Responses to “Two Things to Do If You’re Bored”

  1. Penelope says:

    I was definitely laughing out loud at both of these!! I might actually break into a bona fide fit of uncontrollable laughter trying to pull of the first one!

  2. Jennifer says:

    Hilarious! I think the mask situation would be funny just trying to get it through security. I’d love to see the store employee’s eyes bug out on the first one.

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