What Past Girlfriends Have Said About Me

I’ve been single now for 3 consecutive months, the longest stretch in 5 years.

I dated two women during that time, both of whom were very supportive of my writing. So much so that they wrote some entries on this blog.

I recently went back and read some of these entries. I have to say, they are classic entries. They’re wonderfully written and hilarious. Those two women made fun of me in an insightful way that I think some of the newer readers of this blog would appreciate. I’ve posted some excerpts and links below for your viewing pleasure. I promise you’ll get a good laugh.

On a very girlie drink I once bought (Do yourself a favor and read this full entry. It’s laugh-out-loud hilarious.): “Jamey proceeded to nurse his fluorescent, pretty drink for the next hour while trying to side-step and nonchalantly dance his way into an old-people party in the square that was unfortunate enough to be right by where we were sitting.”

On my lack of directional skills: “For example, if Jamey were trying to drive from the condo to a new restaurant in town, if the directions said, “Step 5: Abandon your car by the side of the road and continue on foot for the next 10 miles–you may have to army crawl under the barbed-wire for a stretch of mile 6″, he’d probably still do it and show up all wide-eyed to dinner wondering why no one else was covered in dirt.”

On my habit of diluting drinks: “Jamey has to dilute pretty much everything he drinks—alcohol, soda, and yes, even the drink of choice for toddlers, juice.”

On the old water bottles I use: “When Jamey and I were leaving the apartment to fly to Richmond for Thanksgiving, he packed up his carry-on, and with a flourish, added the most rickety, mutilated plastic water bottle I’ve ever seen to his bag, then triumphantly headed for the front door. Classy guy.”

On Cue Card Guy: “Jamey and I always joke that there’s a guy standing behind me holding up cue cards that contain the pre-written, reconciliatory lines so Jamey knows what to say to rectify the situation. Cue Card Guy.”

Also, here’s one entry that really is quite funny about how mean one of my girlfriends was when she was trying to sleep. If you’ve ever slept next to a grumpy person, this post is for you.

7 thoughts on “What Past Girlfriends Have Said About Me”

  1. You can delete this comment when you have a chance. The girlie drink link doesn’t work (1st link), but it is indeed a great entry and worth fixing!

  2. My exes don’t have anything funny to say. I still talk to several of my exes and all they talk about are the “good times” and why don’t I come visit them more often. Seriously? There is a reason why you are referred to as “the ex”.

  3. there’s something very sick hidden here, jamey….i just can’t put my finger on it just quite yet……i’ll get back to you.

  4. The Cue Card entry is fantastic and inspired me to write my own post about my recent experience with his cousin: Offensive Cue Card guy. I take it Jamey’s Cue Card guy is on leave of absence at the moment, but maybe he will come back stronger and with better recovery phrases. Thanks for the inspiration yet again, Stegmaier.

    • Yeah, my cue card guy only works when I’m dating. So he’s been unemployed for a while. How does Offensive Cue Card guy work?

  5. Offensive Cue Card guy is regular Cue Card guy’s obnoxious cousin. The boyfriend says “Hey You, we can’t hang out this week because you don’t give me sex”*hysterical laughter from boyfriend, silence from me*Enter in Offensive Cue Card guy with one of his award winning lines. “Hey man, it’s a joke and at least I’m not dumping you yet even though I’m tried of you! Yeah! Yeah! You getting it from somewhere else that’s why I don’t get it, oh yeah burn!”*more hysterical laughter from boyfriend*.
    Is yours available for trade? You are more than welcome to MB’s.


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