My Favorite Tweets

On Twitter, you have the capability of saving your favorite tweets. I rarely remember to do this, and when I do, it’s most often something I’ve written that cracks me up or an interesting link I’ve stumbled upon. If you want the full list (especially the cool links, none of which I’ll post here), click here. Here are some highlights of the funny tweets:

  • (in reply to a comment about Section 8 housing–among other topics–being a big topic for discussion on a date) I think so :). Except for Section 8 housing. I barely know what that is. I assume it’s akin to District 9.
  • My loins weep for Pappy’s BBQ. It’s an endorsement. Although I should probably get that checked out.
  • I feel like there are fewer Thin Mints in a roll every year. One year I’m going to open the box to find exactly one cookie in each roll. (and in response to someone saying that the Girl Scouts removed four cookies from each box a few years ago) Who’s taking the cookies out? Is someone opening every box and removing four cookies? I want to talk to this person!
  • (In response to someone asking what to read after they finished the book Middlesex) Maybe Endsex? Or the prequel, Beginningsex? (or Oryx and Crake)
  • I love sweet tea! I would bathe in it if possible. And then shower in normal water afterwards.
  • I despise wedding registries. Really? Do you need a Foodsaver Vacuum Sealer? Really? You need a $200 saute pan?! (followed by…) The Vera Wang peeler is $80 and is made of elephant tusks, unobtainium, and broken dreams. I refuse to buy it.
  • I want to be a Slurpee when I grow up.
  • I have a massive wedgie. I’m also about to go get fitted for a tux. Will the suit store person fix the wedgie? Is that part of their job? (followed by a hilarious suggestion from @AnneRiley) Tell them you demand a wedgie horn, and if they can’t produce one, you’ll take your business elsewhere.
  • (in a discussion about why there aren’t Senior Mints on the shelf next to Junior Mints, and what Senior Mints would look like if they existed) Senior Mints would be dry and crusty on the outside, as if they had been saved by a well-meaning grandparent.
  • I want to open a ninja training center. Not for sly, killer ninjas. For fun, jovial ninjas who will pay $50 monthly fees.
  • From @rainnwilson: I forgot to see ‘Remember Me’.
  • (in a discussion I introduced about which three actors/actresses would play you in a biopic) The actors to play me: Edward Norton (he can play anyone), Joshua Jackson (minus the stubble), and Ving Rhames (similar musculature).
  • “I got a lot of flack after I ate the pig that played ‘Babe'” #30Rock
  • Does anyone else reach a certain point on Sunday when you realize that you’re just not going to take a shower? (followed by…) Ha ha…I’m sure it was. My hair is in no way up to church standards today (see Vatican II, section 3, paragraph IV)
  • From @harleymaywrites: I gave birth to an exhibitionists. Me to Guests: The lasagna is easy. You sautee mushrooms, pep–OH DEAR GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?
  • Does popcorn, Chinese dumplings, and salad count as a meal? Please say yes.
  • Okay. I’ve decided that my rapper name will be ROI. But I need something clever for the “I” to stand for. (And no, I can’t rap at all.)
  • Has anyone ever cooked a steak, bottomless? I feel manly.
  • (In response to @trishaleighKC asking, “Guess what time it is?!?! I’ll give you a hint: XOXO, Gossip Girl”, I guessed…) Deal or No Deal and Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper reruns.

Note: Many of these Tweets were replies to other people on Twitter. I removed those people from the tweets I listed above, but I’ve relisted them below in case you’re interested in following some funny people on Twitter.


16 Responses to “My Favorite Tweets”

  1. Harley says:

    You’re funny, Jamey. Who did you have the wedding registry talk with? That response was good. Elephants tusks..heh.

    (for the record I have no desire to harm elephants for their bones. stop sending me nasty phone calls, peeta)

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Thanks, Harley. The wedding registry talk was had with several people…in fact, a lot of people chimed in. I can’t remember exactly who. 🙂

  2. T-Mac says:

    I decided that blogs are the line in the sand at which I stop being young, hip, and technologically savvy and start being old and annoyed by these newfangled toys all the kids are playing with. (I actually pulled up a teen’s sagging pants the other day and called him a “whippersnapper”.) Basically, anything that happened after blogging (e.g., Twitter), might as well be written in Chinese and encrypted with some government code that requires drinking some mixture of melted bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs to produce the hallucinogenic state necessary to figure out that code. Those “Tweets” sound funny though. Maybe I should go get some bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs…

  3. Ariel says:

    I do not use, nor understand, “tweeting” other than the sound that woke me up this morning at 5 am and caused me to seriously contemplate throwing a rock out of my window to silence the perpetrator. I have just started getting the hang of facebook and will drag my feet in the sand, kicking and screaming as I resist all other forms of social media.

    Having said that – yes, Jamey, you are very funny – here’s a gold star.

  4. Anne Riley says:

    HA! Oh, the wedgie horn. That was an amazing discussion, to be sure. What ever came of that demand? Did you manage to lay your hands on the holy grail of horns?

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Well, remarkably, the wedgie in question worked itself out before I got to the suit place. So no, I didn’t get to see or request the “holy grail of horns.” 🙂 Plus, I’m horrible at keeping a straight face (even in situations where a straight face is the only decent face I should make, like when someone gets hurt or their favorite uncle dies), so I wouldn’t have been able to pull it off.

    • Penelope says:

      I have not gotten into the habit of saving my favorite tweets, but this was absolutely one of them!!

  5. Christine says:

    I also rarely use the favorites tool, but when I was first learning how to use twitter, I found and favorited a tweet that is still possibly one of my favorite tweets (via @Pistachio)

    ∫∫∫∫∫˜µ≤œ∑´®†¥¨ˆ øπ“‘æ…¬˚∆˙©ƒ∂ßåΩ≈ç ∫˜µ≤≥÷–ºª•∞¢£¡¡™ ¡`£¢ yes, as a matter of fact, i DID just discover what my “alt/option” key does …

  6. Lorena says:

    Thanks for the shout-out. That unobtainium one was pretty rad. Vera Wang for only $80?! I hope it’s the Asian Elephant, just saying.

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