A Brief History of Breakups

I’ve had an idea for a blog entry for a while called, “The Break Up: How to Get Out of Concerts and Relationships.” This item has sat on my blog idea list for months now and I haven’t written it, so that says to me that I’m not all that interested in writing about it.

However, I thought it might be interesting to write out the “last lines” of all my dating relationships. So here they are in chronological order, starting way back in 1994. Note that these aren’t exact quotes; they’re just approximations that represent my final statements during the break up. They’ll remain anonymous, obviously.

  1. Can’t we work this out?
  2. Really, the guy in the Hypercolor jacket?
  3. I saw this coming.
  4. I thought we were already broken up.
  5. You’re really just too young for me.
  6. (I think I just stopped talking to this one.)
  7. I’m so glad we’re on the same page.
  8. I hate to do this on the phone, but this has to end now.
  9. Rather than wait 3 months for the inevitable, I’ll save us the trouble and end it now.
  10. I’m confused–you thought we were dating?
  11. Wait, what kind of underwear are you wearing?
  12. You infuriate me beyond words, so I’m just going to stop talking.
  13. You deserve someone who cares about you as much as you care about me.
  14. This is crushing me, but it’s the right thing for both of us.
  15. Oh no, I’m not afraid to break up with you. I just wasn’t finished telling you why.
  16. I genuinely think we’re better off as friends–I cherish your friendship.
  17. You’re awesome, but I just don’t have the time or energy to make this type of commitment to you.

Breakups don’t bring out the best in us, that’s for sure. Some are honest, others tactful and calculating. And some are cruel and heartless. I have a feeling there might be some backlash to this post, but what good is a blog if you don’t bare yourself to the world now and then?

9 thoughts on “A Brief History of Breakups”

  1. Wow. Your last lines have truly run the gamut from surprised and funny to definitive and sullen.

    I have to admit, #2 made me laugh out loud, and nothing that came after that could possibly have made this anything but a funny post. You could have ended with “I just killed your family. Prepare to die,” and I would still just be laughing about #2.

    Also, you note that these are from ’94 to present, but are they in order or randomized? (I think knowing this will either help your readership see a progression in how you break up or make us not look for that.)

    • Ha ha…and sadly, it was true. I guess those Hypercolors were irresistible.

      I added the word “chronological,” because yes, they’re in order from 1994 to 2010.

  2. I personally love it when you bare yourself on your blog, makes for some great evening entertainment on my end. This is going to sound really cruel, but I enjoyed your “mean” breakups (4,9,10,15). 11, the underwear one, definitely got my laugh for the night. Guess it didn’t save the relationship ultimately though. Sad. 15 is great, nice job being thorough with them and making absolutely sure they don’t try to get back with you ever again…sounds like me when I dropkick someone to the curb.

    • I’m glad you enjoyed me baring myself–I like doing that too…on the blog. I’m curious why you liked the “mean” breakups the most.

  3. I guess because they remind me of myself when I breakup with someone and I like seeing that I have things in common with strangers. It’s oddly comforting to see that I’m not the only blunt person in the world when it comes to breakups. I wouldn’t have the guts to post something like this on my blog so you being open and out with it on here was refreshing.

    • Well, thank you :). It was a tough entry to compose and post, but I thought it would be interesting and self-reflective. I’m glad you found value in it. I’ve never found a magical, perfect way to break up with someone…and really, that’s not my quest. I don’t want to be mean, but I want to be honest.


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