The Rules of Morning Breath

Morning breath is a fact of life. It’s inevitable, and it’s never good. Show me a person with good morning breath, and I’ll show you a well-written episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

So the question here is: What are the rules for dealing with morning breath when you wake up next to someone?

The key, in my opinion, is reaching equilibrium before you smell the other person’s breath.

That second phrase is key. Once you smell the other person’s morning breath, you’ve ruined the illusion that morning breath isn’t there. It’s like that one time on Friends when Ross pictured his mother in the costume instead of Rachel. It was the briefest of moments, but it ruined the fantasy for him.

So be aware of that. No smelling.

To reach equilibrium, the two people have to do one of two things: (a) kiss or (b) clean their mouth via toothpaste, mouthwash, etc. I generally prefer kissing, even though it’s more difficult to pull off without smelling the breath of doom. The key there is to start with little lip kisses, slip in a little tongue, and then you’re set. You both have the same breath. Equilibrium.

Brushing your teeth is effective in a different way. It adds the inconvenience of having to get out of bed. And the trouble is that–and this may be contested by you all–both people have to brush their teeth. If only one person does it, there’s too much of a contrast between the two people. Plus, freshly brushed morning mouth isn’t all that fantastic either. So if the person you’re in bed with gets up to brush their teeth, you need to do so as well.

If you fall into the second category, I have a suggestion from a former girlfriend: Keep a bottle of mouthwash in your bedside table. That way you don’t even have to get out of the bed to reach equilibrium.

Am I thinking too much about this? Probably. But did you know that if you live to be 80, you’ll have spent nearly 15,000 hours in bed with other people with morning breath? That’s what my team of researchers (my cat) is telling me. This is a big deal, so take it seriously and do the right thing: Reach equilibrium before you smell the other person’s breath.

4 thoughts on “The Rules of Morning Breath”

  1. Some thoughts:
    1) LOVE the picture! Friends = Awesomeness.

    2) It was HIS mom he pictured in the custom after talking to Chandler about who you picture when fooling around with a woman from sexy women to Mom. Ekk!
    https://www.rossandrachel.com/scenes/sc_princess_leia.php

    3) I would rather have mints or tic-tacs instead of mouthwash. Mouthwash is too much of a hassle. You are going to need a)a chamber pot to spit out after using, b)spit out on the floor and clean the floor after the passionate morning make out session or c)swallow it.

    Reply
    • Thanks for the clarification! I wasn’t quite sure, but I changed the entry based on the facts you presented.

      Mints or tic-tacs don’t really do it for me…they make a person’s mouth too sticky sweet. I think they may actually make it worse. Again, the key is equilibrium–if both people do the same thing they’re fine.

      Also, I need to bring back chamber pots.

      Reply
  2. I realize this post is old, but I had to comment. I dated a guy in college that kept a five pound bag of Jolly Ranchers next to his bed specifically to fight off morning breath. No getting up, sweet snack first thing in the morning, problem solved. He was a giant tool, but that was a great idea.

    Reply
    • Interesting tactic. I’m not sure that sticky-sweet makes for the best type of kissing mouth, but it’s certainly better than morning breath.

      Reply

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