My Greatest Fear #10

As long as I can remember, my grandma has lived in the same house. I ate many a pot roast in that house, and tossed many a Andes mint wrapper behind my grandma’s TV (I later learned that she knew I ate her candies but never said a word to my mother…such a good grandma).

There was one thing in my grandma’s house that scared the hell out of me…literally. In Grandma’s living room, right behind the couch, perched this painting:

Extra points to Grandma for taking this photo with my iPhone

As a child, I believed that if I looked at that painting for any longer than a passing glimpse, I would get sucked into the fiery belly of Hell. Capital “H”.

That painting came to my attention when I was dropping off Grandma this past weekend. The conversation went something like this:

Grandma: Remember that painting? The one you were always scared of?

Me: Yeah, the one that tried to kill me?

Grandma: That’s the one. Aunt Dot recently turned it 90 degrees because she thought it would look better.

Me: Is it still a portal to Hell?

Grandma: Of course. It works really well above my new couch.

I thought that maybe the new angle would make the painting look less like Hell, but no, it still does. And I’m not saying that it’s an unattractive painting. Objectively it’s quite nice. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer paintings that don’t feed my soul to lava demons. That’s where I draw the line with fine art.

I’m sure everyone has something in their grandparent’s house that scares them a little (in my other grandparents’ house it was a cuckoo clock). What’s yours?


17 Responses to “My Greatest Fear #10”

  1. Elizabeth says:

    Your grandma sounds completely awesome. But that painting rather looks like it’s growing out of your head at that angle, which makes it less scary, more interesting take on thought bubbles.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Yeah, I noticed that when I uploaded the photo. It only scares me more, as if the painting was sucking my soul out of my body. I’m legitimately concerned.

      • Elizabeth says:

        That’s very fair. I think I would be concerned as well if I was presented with possible evidence that my soul was such a dreary color.

        On the plus side, I heard some guy named Dorian Gray highly recommended this method of soul storage. So you have that going for you.

  2. I, too, thought the painting looked like it was sucking your soul out of the top of your head. As for scary things at my grandma’s house, there’s one thing that used to give me nightmares, which she no longer has…

    My grandma used to have a lamp that was a spring-loaded floor-to-ceiling pole with lanterns hanging off either side. When light hit the place where the two halves of the pole screwed together, it split into two evil, narrowed eyes. This gave the impression that the lamps hanging on either side were two arms. The evil lamp reminded me of a character from the old “Felix the Cat” cartoon: Master Cylinder. You can see Master Cylinder at the link below. Keep in mind, he looks scarier when you’re only four, especially if you know he always captures good guys and no one can control him, not even his teacher.
    Felix’s Friends

  3. Josh says:

    My G-ma has a picture of a great-great-great relative hanging in her dining room and I swear to Jesus its eyes follow you wherever you go. It’s terrifying. Even after 29 years, I still have to look the other way as I walk past.

    She also has a china doll in a spare bedroom that I’m pretty sure comes to life when you go to sleep. It’s just biding its time. Watching. Waiting.

  4. Colleen says:

    I agree about the china doll! My dad had an old china doll that belonged to his mother (my grandmother, who I never met), and it was stored in the very back of his closet at our old house where I grew up. It was just plain creepy!

  5. Tracy says:

    Her dog. It was the meanest, ugliest, snarliest (yes, it’s a word) little red dachshund you’ve ever seen. Her name was Dusty, and she had to be a direct descendant of Satan. My grandma was the only human she liked, and she never ceased to remind you of that on a daily basis. She would sit at the door to the kitchen and just stare, waiting for you to cross the threshold into her territory (which was the whole house). Mean old bitch. I’m a massive animal lover, and I’m pretty sure Grandma was the only one upset by Dusty’s untimely demise, which I’m partly convinced Grandpa had something to do with….haha.

  6. Crystal says:

    Yes id have to say while the picture may be scary it certainly is a good conversation topic and inspires a little awe! A soul sucking portal of hell is definetely more interesting then something like shall we say turtles and book covers? 😀

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