Cleveland Clinic to Move to Miami

CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) – The renowned Cleveland Clinic, one of the top teaching hospitals in the country, has decided to relocate to Miami.

The move is effective immediately, with the doors in Miami opening for the busy fall season. The move was announced Tuesday night during a special television event on PBS dubbed “The Conclusion.”

“The board of directors and I feel that the move to Miami will give us a chance to win not just the short-term acclaim we’ve sought, but rather year after year of championship-level medical service,” announced Sanjay Tripothi, president and CEO of the clinic.

“Or at least until our 5-year lease expires,” he added.

Whereas the clinic was the centerpiece of the Cleveland commercial landscape, it will vie for attention with the highly acclaimed Mount Sinai Medical Center and the Baptist Hospital of Miami. Tripothi said that the three intended to work as a team and share the spotlight for the betterment of the city.

“We owe the city of Cleveland so much–for supporting us when we were starting off, for believing in us both when we struggled and when we soared. It’s just time to say goodbye, to move on,” added Tripothi.

Long-time patrons of the hospital and current hospice patients were disappointed to learn of the move.

“We deserve better than this,” said cancer patient Eric Mencer. “I feel betrayed.”

In related news, Miami University of Ohio is also moving to Florida.

Copyright 2010 The Ass Press.

9 Responses to “Cleveland Clinic to Move to Miami”

  1. David Holloway says:

    is this about lebron, jamey?

    call the reverend. i smell racism.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I don’t know, Dave. Do you think it’s possible that a satirical blog post about a major Cleveland icon deserting the city for Miami has anything to do with LeBron? Hmm?

      • Colleen says:

        Very clever blog. 🙂 I don’t know much about basketball, but I’m very excited that the National League won the All Star Game last night! (Finally!)

  2. margot says:

    Doesn’t make sense for Miami University of Ohio to move and shorten their name?

  3. Fred Venturini says:

    Medical experts agree . . . the Cleveland Clinic cannot be considered as the greatest of all time now that it has moved to Miami to share its resources with those other medical centers.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      That seems to be the consensus among the medical community. Some would say that the clinic barely even tried to succeed late this last season, almost as if it didn’t want to anchor its legacy in Cleveland.

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  5. Garrett Basch says:

    This one hurts as a native Clevelander and a graduate of Miami University!

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      It’s a good thing it’s just satire. Although that means that LeBron’s choice probably didn’t affect you as much as everyone else in Cleveland, right?

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