Cats Show Up in Record Numbers to Vote Against Puppy Mill Bill

ST. LOUIS, Missouri  (AP) – Registered feline voters appeared in droves to vote against the controversial Proposition B, which, if passed, would have imposed strict, pro-dog  guidelines upon in-state breeders.

“The more dogs locked up in constricting 2 x 4 containers, the better,” said Cat Alliance spokesperson Mittens McWhiskers, referring to the clause that would ban breeders from having more than 5o breeding dogs at a time.

McWhiskers is one of nearly 43,000 cats that showed up on election day to exercise their right to vote on pet-related referendums. Cat Alliance and other anti-puppy groups held rallies across the state, focusing on hotly-contested areas like Johnson County and New Madrid County.

Sporting homemade signs emblazoned with slogans like, “Prop B, Not for Me!” and “Daily Access to Food and Potable Water Are Luxuries We Can’t Afford, Neither Meow Nor Later!”, cats marched up and down the streets in front of voting booths.

“Why should these pampered dogs get ‘unfettered access’ to outdoor exercise areas?” asked Kissy Poo, a Siamese mix from Chesterfield. “I don’t get unfettered access–we’re talking about a civil rights issue here.”

Poo’s life partner and occasion mortal enemy, Hairball Sanchez, joined the conversation after chasing an errant tissue. “Poo don’t lie,” he added.

With over 1,455 commercial breeders in Missouri, by far the most in any state, the passing of Proposition B could have set a snowball in motion that would eventually make puppy meals across the country considerably more humane. But thanks to cat voters like Snowball in South St. Louis, Prop B failed to pass.

“You have to consider the impact this would have on the local economy,” he said, rubbing his scent onto a doorframe. “If breeders can’t stack cages three, four levels high, how are they supposed to generate the output necessary to keep small towns running?”

“Meth production can’t support them all,” he added.

The last time this many cats voted in Missouri was the controversial farm-raised tuna amendment in 1992.

Copyright 2010 The Ass Press.


3 Responses to “Cats Show Up in Record Numbers to Vote Against Puppy Mill Bill”

  1. Red says:

    I love this! This is basically what I hear when the “Other side” complains. But KSDK says that Prop B passed 52%/48%.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Finally! I was wondering if anyone else got this. I wrote it last night when Prob B wasn’t going to pass. I’ll wait until the final results and tweak it a bit to match them.

      I was thinking last night, “How on earth could this not pass? Who is going to vote against puppies?”

      And then I realized the answer: Cats.

  2. Ariel says:

    I am ‘against’ puppies, but I actually voted for Prop B because I want there to be less puppies in the world and putting a cap on breeders is one way to achieve that goal. On a side note, it was already illegal in Missouri to not provide adequate food or water to puppies – that part was added to the proposition to appeal to your emotional side. The major change enacted by the bill is the 50 puppy limited.

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