You Decide: Should I Go on This Date?

This is something I’ve never tried before, and I’ll probably never do it again. Here is your chance to determine if I go on a date with Maria (I changed her name in case she wants to post under her real name in the comments in the future).

Maria recently saw my profile on Match.com and winked at me on that site. I didn’t wink back, so yesterday, she sent me a very sweet e-mail about herself. At the end of the e-mail, she asked me out.

I said no. More on that in a second.

But we continued e-mailing, and after a few exchanges, Maria had an idea for the blog (which she found a few days ago): She proposed that I ask my blog readers what they think.

Now, I adore my readers, but I don’t usually let you all make decisions about my life for me. It’s up to me to make decisions, and then I write about them. But the more I thought about this, the more intrigued I became. It’s an interesting concept, and what I write below is good fodder for debate.

So here’s the deal: Finish reading this entry. Hear me out. I’ll try to present the facts in a clear, concise manner (and if I don’t, Maria may clarify in the comments section). After you’ve read the entry, you may vote once. The polls will close on Friday at noon. If you all vote yes, I will go on a date with Maria next Monday. If you vote no, no date. If there is a tie, I will call my grandmother and ask what she thinks.

Here we go. Keep in mind that Maria knows what I’m going to write about, and she knows I’m going to be brutally honest. I would never, ever write about someone in this way without their permission. Just to be safe, I’ll start off with the good stuff.

Here are three things I like about Maria:

  1. She’s funny. She’s really funny. I’m attracted to women with great senses of humor.
  2. She’sย entrepreneurial. This is another trait I find very attractive. Maria opened her own store four years ago. I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff regarding business that we could talk about. She’s highly motivated and ambitious, which are awesome qualities.
  3. She’s flirtatious. I like a woman with a little sass. Keeps me on my toes, and it makes things fun.

Here are three reasons why I shouldn’t go on a date with Maria:

  1. I’m not physically attracted to her. I know, a terrible thing for me to say. But I’m not saying that Maria isn’t cute. She is. I’m just not physically attracted to her. Physical attraction isn’t what I value about a woman above all else (conversation is). But it’s a really important component. I am not in any way saying that Maria isn’t good enough for me. Nothing of the sort. I am simply saying that I am personally not physically attracted to her based on the photos I’ve seen. Maria has agreed to let me post the photo she sent me.
  2. Her spelling and grammar are pretty bad. Maria admits this, and she’s willing to poke fun of herself, which is great. But spelling and grammar matter to me–I mean, I worked for a publishing company for 4 years. They’re a good indicator of intelligence. I can tell that Maria has a good head on her shoulders, but she’s 30–she should know the difference between your and you’re, its and it’s, to and too. I don’t want to be too picky, because no one writes grammatically perfect e-mails every time (or blog entry, for that matter). But it really stands out.
  3. She is abrasive. Now, to be fair, a lot of what I perceive as “abrasive” is actually humor that’s tough to read in e-mails. But Maria is undoubtedly much more pushy than the type of woman I like to date. I really like no drama at all in relationships, and in 24 hours of e-mailing with Maria, I already feel like there’s plenty of drama. And I don’t even know her. That’s not a good sign.

Now you might say that it’s just a date, which is true. What harm is there in meeting up for a drink? Very little. But I want to be honest with her and honest with myself that I don’t see potential here.

What do you think? And in general, what do you think about the idea of basing a date on physical attraction? If you aren’t physically attracted to someone who contacts you, do you look past that and give them a chance in person? Is that fair, or simply misleading?

Update: Maria pointed out that I forgot to mention that she scored a 22 out of 25 on my perfect woman survey.

Update 12/10: The people have spoken! Looks like it’s time for a date with Maria! Thanks everyone for making this one of the most commented-on posts on my blog ever. I’ll follow up next week with Maria’s thoughts about the date.


91 Responses to “You Decide: Should I Go on This Date?”

  1. Harley says:

    Hi Jamey and Maria.

    I voted no. For the record, I think Maria is adorable and this took a lot of balls. In think in the long run I don’t think the date will go anywhere but the first date.

    Maria, I’d like to think I know Jamey semi-well enough to know he’d be very polite on the date. He’d laugh and have fun, but if he doesn’t see it going anywhere, it won’t.

    As a woman you’d only set yourself up for dissapointment. As Jamey pointed out all your fine attributes, you sound like a great catch. Don’t put your heart (even if it is just a date) somewhere it shouldn’t be. I’m an emotional person, so I immediately think “heart.” Substitute heart for thoughts, time, energy, anything–wait for that guy that’ll say wink back and say yes.

    This was bold, Jamey. ๐Ÿ™‚ Very out of character for you and adventurous. I like it. HIGH FIVE.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      You make a great point (many great points), Harley. This certainly took a lot of balls from Maria. She’s very persistent.

      And I agree–the date would be fine. It’s not hard to have fun on a date. “Don’t put your heart somewhere it shouldn’t be” is great advice.

      I’m glad this was “bold” of me and not totally “jerk-face” of me. I feel like a jerk for writing those things in public. But Maria took on the challenge of this!

      • Tiff says:

        Jamey, you make some valid points here… First and foremost though, I agree that this took guts and the idea of this definitely earns a gold star for originality and creativity.

        Now, personally, I would not have been so persistent – even if I was very attracted to someone. I feel that this stems from not wanting to sacrifice integrity – so call that pride. So when a person male or female, is pursuing someone so strongly even after being rejected, I’m not sure whether to call that romantic persistance or if it shows vulnerability?

        On the physical attraction piece, at the risk of sounding superficial, and as much as this will be criticized, I will state my POV. Here it goes… Online dating allows for a little more opportunity and safer haven to “get noticed” or “be noticed”. This means people are little gutsier because rejection stings a little less online than in person. Think of it this way, if an interaction with Maria took place in a coffeeshop, bookstore or a restaurant, would you talk to her? Would she have stood in your way and made her proposal to post this to your blog?

        I think that online dating lends itself for a lot of things and I am a fan, however, I think that the general rules and etiquette of dating should apply online and offline. In short, if you wouldn’t have asked her out or said yes to her asking you out in an offline interaction… your answer should still be the same through email.

        That being said, I’m late on this but I do predict, that your gut was right. I know mine usually is even when I try to force it to tell me something else… ๐Ÿ™‚

        Hope you had fun either way!

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Tiff–Thanks for your thoughts. I agree with you about persistence. I think movies romanticize persistence, but in reality, it comes across more creepy and pushy than romantic.

          It’s a fair point that offline rules and dating etiquette apply online as well. I would hope that someone wouldn’t push me to give them my number in person if I initially said no.

          In the end, it comes down to my gut. I trust my gut. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Eric says:

    There is absolutely no point in you going on a date with her. Physical attraction will not develop. You both are just wasting your time.

  3. Joe S says:

    Just take her on a date for having the guts to even propose this idea. She totally put herself out there for doing that. Even if the date goes “nowhere” – I bet you could learn a thing or two just from talking to her.

  4. Arianna says:

    I actually don’t see any harm in going on the date. It won’t be hell – and it might, in fact, be fun. Maybe Jamey and Maria become friends. Maybe they actually really hit it off and there is some physical attraction that develops (because I do think that can happen). Or maybe they both look at each other and say, “Meh.” At the very least, it’ll make for a great follow-up blog.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Like I noted above, I’m sure the date would be fun in the way that any date can be fun.

      It would make a good follow-up blog, that’s for sure.

      • Arianna says:

        No, the date will be fun because she’s funny, feisty, and flirtatious.

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Okay, that’s fair. I’m just saying that I don’t go on dates to not have fun. If I take time out of my day to go on a date, I’m going to make the best of it and have a good time.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Also, let’s talk about this idea of physical attraction growing. I’m on the fence about that one. I have known a few women to whom I was not originally attracted–women who, for all conventional reasons, were quite attractive. I just didn’t see it. But as I got to know them, the attraction grew.

      So maybe I’m not on the fence. It happens. It’s just very rare, I think. And in the world of online dating, physical attraction is a filter. You can’t go on a date with everyone, so you pick the ones who seem fun and intelligent and attractive, and you meet up with them and see if there’s something more.

      Also, I should point out that I think physical attraction can exist without physical chemistry. I went on a few dates with technically beautiful women, but there was no chemistry at all. I think you can tell if that chemistry is there a little bit over e-mail, but the majority of it reveals itself in person.

  5. Phuong says:

    Maria,

    1. I applaud your boldness. You see what you want and you are determined!
    2. You look like an Abby or maybe a Hannah.
    3. You look fabulous for 30!

    Jamey,

    I vote no as well. Stick with your gut instincts. And my, my aren’t you brutally honest? Next time I need an opinion on a questionable dress, I might have to ask your opinion instead of my girls ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. acooperfan says:

    I vote yes. Not because I think there will be a date #2 in the cards for these two, but because Jamey needs to relax and step out of his tight and very protected boundaries. She is way beyond your drama-in-relationship boundary, so let it be the first among many steps. And kudos to Maria for asking for what she wants! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Katie says:

    My two cents–if you’re going to go on the date with the mentality that you don’t want to be there and you are just doing it because the majority of the readers said yes, or that it would be good blog fodder, then don’t do it. It’s not really fair to either of you, especially Maria. I doubt either one of you would have very much fun, and that sounds like an extremely awkward date.

    But, if you can view it as a fun experience with someone that falls outside your typical criteria, then go for it. Sometimes people surprise you!

    I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and vote yes. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Well, I can honestly say that if everyone votes yes, I’ll happily go on the date. It’s not that I don’t want to be there–it’s that I don’t see things going anywhere with Maria because of those reasons I listed. But if a date happens, I’m not going to go into it halfhearted.

  8. Trisha Leigh says:

    I vote yes, because I don’t think you can know any of the things in your negative list without meeting someone in person. I’ve never done the dating site thing (probably because I hate dating), so I realize there has to be some way to narrow people down. Still, you have to be careful about narrowing things TOO far – someone totally fabulous could slip through the cracks. Take it from me, the person you fall for is often not the one you have your eye on.

    1. I don’t think you can tell if you’re physically attracted to someone based on a photograph. I’m not just saying that because I am extrememly unphotogenic, I swear. I’ve met people I thought were attractive in photos who aren’t in real life and vice versa. The best looking guy I ever met turned into the most unattractive person in my life after getting to know him. Personality goes a long way in physical attraction.

    2. I’m 31 years old, and I’m well aware that I should be able to add simple numbers in my head. I can’t. Be careful using grammar and English to determine intelligence (I do it, too). There are different kinds of smart, and our brains work in different ways. If this is true, I hope I don’t fall in love with an accountant, because he might think I have the IQ of a chimpanzee if he asks me to balance the checkbook.

    3. It’s hard to tell if someone is “abrasive” based on email. I’ve been told that my online presence is pretty different from my in real life persona. You can judge on this Jamey, since you’ve known me both ways. I’m just saying…abrasive’s pretty harsh based on email correspondence.

    So you should go. Step out of the box. I enjoy giving this advice to other people so I don’t have to do it myself.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      1. Okay, that’s fair about the photograph. I’m definitely not photogenic, and it wouldn’t feel good if someone judged me solely on that.

      2. Another good point. I’m probably not explaining the grammar thing correctly. Like, do you ever get an e-mail from someone who writes in 6th-grade text language? “Hey what r u doing b4 Jersey Shore?” Now, that person knows that “r” is actually “are” and so on. But I see that sentence–just as I see “your” and “you’re” switched–and my stomach turns. It’s just a turn off–we all have our turn offs.

      3. Abrasive may indeed be harsh–I’ve been called abrasive in e-mails myself. But I’m not just talking about diction here. It’s about the content of the e-mails, not just the way they’re written.

  9. Christine says:

    I have to admit as I read this blog entry, I cringed and squirmed. There was something about your tone that made me really uncomfortable. I don’t it was cruelty because obviously, Maria knew what she was getting into. At the very least, the blog entry was interesting and provocative, so I congratulate you for that.

    It’s the inherent level of judgmentalism in your analysis of all of her faults: not just her attractiveness, but her intelligence and abrasiveness. You made some snap judgments on her personality without even giving her the benefit of the doubt of meeting her in person. Isn’t part of dating judging others based on if you think they’re a good fit? Definitely, and it should be.

    But dating is also about hope and optimism, and I think it’s possible that someone just outside your comfort zone is exactly the kind of person you need. It’s possible that though you might not be physically attracted to her now, you may find yourself more and more attracted to her over time. It’s possible that her bad grammar may something you laugh about with her for years to come and what initially came across as abrasiveness is an admirable quality like strength or humor. I guess the thing that made me cringe is that you don’t seem open to those possibilities, even though you are opening yourself up to going on a date with her. To what end?

    Where’s the optimism? Where’s the suspension of judgment over some pretty trivial things? If anything, Maria seems maybe a little naive if she thinks she can twist your arm into going on a date with her and it might work out. Maybe she should take a look at the pros and cons about you before she commits to the date herself.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I totally cringed and squirmed writing this entry, I have to tell you. It’s one thing for me to talk about these things in private with Maria (which I did). But it’s quite another to air them in public.

      I can see your point about snap judgments. But have you tried online dating? It’s simply not possible to meet up with everyone who contacts you. I think it’s fair to call them “snap judgments”–I mean, it doesn’t feel good to say no to someone I don’t even know. But it’s simply not possibly to say yes to everyone.

      Where’s the optimism? I don’t know. ๐Ÿ™‚ I think maybe I’m just a little worn out after all the vigorous dating recently.

      • acooperfan says:

        Just a quick question; if you are worn out from dating and are not open to a relationship, why are you still on Match.com and why are you still going on dates? Would you think that this may be a misrepresentation of your intentions?

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Oh, I’m not a Match subscriber. My profile is still up on Match because it took me over an hour to write it in the first place and I don’t want to delete it. After all, I might want to rejoin someday.

          Sure, I’m worn out from dating. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not open to meeting someone special.

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          To clarify, Maria didn’t e-mail me via Match on Sunday. She found my blog and with it, my e-mail address.

          • Amy says:

            Didn’t we discuss once that if they still found you after you took yourself off that that right there was enough to earn a date? Or did I just make that up?

            I thought we talked about that….

            Just go already!!! Then Maria can do a guest post about what she thought of the date. ๐Ÿ™‚

            • Jamey Stegmaier says:

              Hm…well, I do admire someone who can find me off Match (it’s not hard, but it takes an extra search). Did I say that? If you can post proof of that here, I’ll stick to what I said.

              Maria will be writing Sunday night’s post about this whole experience.

              • Katie says:

                Well, you actually said you would marry her…

                https://jameystegmaier.com/2010/08/the-true-adventures-of-jamey-on-match-com/

                “I think Iโ€™ll just marry the first woman who figures out that she can just Google me and contact me directly instead of paying to e-mail me through Match.”

              • Maria says:

                Amy

                I have yet to post anything to this blog, however I felt that you deserved a post. I love the way you call Jamey out. I would have to say best post so far!

              • Jamey Stegmaier says:

                Ha ha…well done with the marriage comment. To be fair, though, Maria is not the first one to contact me through other means (e-mail or Facebook) after seeing my Match profile. I think she’s the 6th or 7th person to do so. Do I have to marry all of them?

  10. @JMJKDulce says:

    Without having read any other comments, just reading the post and voting, I would like to explain why I said yes. Once I got to the end of the post, I was all ready to vote no, simply because I am the same way with the grammar and flags of drama just from e-mails. I voted yes because she scored high on your test. Now, granted, maybe she sifted through your blog and got the answers, but I think the simple fact that this woman decided to put herself out there like this for your readers to vote upon warrants her a chance.

    Now if it were me, just because I’m not physically attracted to the photo doesn’t mean I wouldn’t give a guy a chance. (Remember the no chin photo posted of you recently? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) I say do something really casual like drinks, so you can decide if you want to go further or end it there. This post is so cool, and I applaud Maria for suggesting this idea. I’m sure you’ll make the decision that is right for you, and I know your grandmother will give you great advice (that was hilarious).

    Good luck!

    Jenn

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Thanks, Jenn. And you’re right, maybe the right type of date for this situation would be just a really casual drink date.

      Interesting that you based your answer off the perfect woman survey. 22 out of 25 ain’t bad.

  11. Amy says:

    J –

    I voted yes. My take:

    From the blog Maria sounds like a bold, strong, independent woman who isn’t afraid to go after what she wants and runs her own business. I think sometimes even though there are some men that say this is what they want, really they are intimidated by a strong woman. It challenges their need to be in “charge” (picture a cave man beating his chest here) or “take care of” a woman. Not that this is a bad thing, just personal preferences. But I have seen it happen from personal experience in my professional and personal life. I for one want someone who challenges me – in a positive way, of course.

    When I was your age and on Match I did the whole “count a person out for bad grammar, etc”, too. Now I realize as one person said that doesn’t necessarily measure someone’s intelligence. Heck, I may have mistakes in this! Trisha – I am the same way with math! Horrid.

    Physical attractiveness and being funny – I told you about the “Principal” – completely NOT my type – too short for me. But you know what – we have been talking and he is really funny and great to banter with. He is starting to grow on me. Next time we go out I won’t wear my three inch heels. ๐Ÿ™‚ Now – it still may not go anywhere but I have decided I’m not going to count him out because he doesn’t fit my “perfect man” image. Houdini was my 100% perfect man by looks and look where that got me.

    Things can also be taken wrong in emails. Haven’t you ever read an email and thought “Hmmm….what did they mean by that? Are they mad? Annoyed? Trying to be funny?” Or the mood you are in can affect how you perceive them as well. Another mistake often made is confusing being assertive for being abrasive.

    If you are at a time in your life where you are dating, not necessarily looking for a relationship but won’t turn it away if it shows up, don’t limit yourself. Embrace the whole experience. Take advice from the old lady! ha!! We have talked about your “20 minute radius” metaphorically speaking, (which may not be proper – don’t judge) sometimes going 25 minutes instead of only 20 can lead to great things! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Good luck Maria!!!

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Amy,

      Thanks for your comment. I addressed these same points in above comments to Trisha and Christine, so I won’t repeat myself, but I will agree with you that Maria is a bold, headstrong woman. I admire that.

      Gosh, I must come across as so rigid. I’m going to end up old and alone, aren’t I? I say I’m happy being single now. I wonder if I’ll feel the same way when I’m 30. Or 35. Or 40.

      Jamey

  12. Amanda says:

    Christine,
    I cringed and squirmed through the blog entry as well. I even talked to the screen while I read it, but I know Jamey isn’t usually out to be cruel so I stuck with it and read the whole thing.
    I don’t think that there were any inherent judgments(is judgmentalism a real word? I’ve never seen it used that way.) made on his part. He said they had been emailing for awhile before he made this entry. Through those emails he had the chance to properly judge her personality, grammar, abrasiveness and whatever else he was taking note of. Sure, one could argue he made a snap judgment about her attractiveness, but everyone does that with people so it shouldn’t be held against him. He never said she wasn’t attractive, he said that he personally wasn’t attracted to her based on her photos. Did you know that 85-90% of the males/females you encounter you won’t find attractive enough to date? Really weird article I was reading, but anyway Maria is lovely, just Jamey doesn’t see it.

    I did think about your idea of growing attractiveness, but I still don’t fully agree. I don’t think that people grow to find someone more attractive physically. I think it’s the things you already like about them outshining the physical attributes they have. Grammar is no laughing matter. It’s a way for people to judge you as well. If you opened an email from a client or someone you were going to do business with and it had errors that most 3rd graders would know to correct, would you really want to have future contact with them? I don’t have good experiences with people I find abrasive, so I’m not going to touch that one.

    A date isn’t about optimism, it’s about finding out if you’re compatible with someone and if the 2 parties wish to pursue the potential relationship. Dates aren’t there just for fun there’s an underlying purpose to them. Those things which are “trivial” to you aren’t necessarily trivial to him and he’s obviously trying to be a good sport about them by even considering a date with Maria. Maria seems like an intelligent woman, I’m sure she already checked out Jamey’s pros and cons. There’s a bunch of them to weigh! She’s a business woman, remember? She probably was assessing and planning with each email they exchanged.

    I do not date someone I don’t find attractive, nor do I try to find things that excuse it. If I don’t find them attractive, then I won’t be truly happy with them. My eyes would still wander, I would still wonder if there was someone out there for me. I could form a temporary friendship with the person, but long-term dating? Absolutely not.

    Congrats to Maria for getting a 22/25 on Jamey’s silly test. I failed by getting a 14(17 b/c he decided to excuse a few of my answers) so I know how hard it was to get into the good range like she did.

    I agree with Harley, her wisdom is amazing. I voted no as well. Definitely should wait for someone wonderful to wink at you, Maria.

  13. Christine says:

    I voted yes though I agree with many of the other comments that there may not be a second date.

    Having tried Match.com a few years ago, I can understand that you are probably tired of dates that don’t seem like they’d go anywhere, but realize that Match.com can also make people too narrowed in their search. For example, the claim that you’re not physically attracted to her based on Match.com photos is a little B.S. You admit that she’s cute, and I realize that you’ve been on a number of Match.com type dates, but you can’t fully assess physical attraction to someone until you’ve physically met them. If you’re still not attracted to her so be it. Spelling and grammar is fixable and the drama, well, see how it goes on the first date.

    I say this because if I had judged my boyfriend of 2 years solely on initial physical attraction and email tone/grammar when we first met, and especially if we’d met over Match.com or something, we wouldn’t be together today. At all. Seriously. I wasn’t too attracted to him the night we met (and I still can’t figure out why I wasn’t) and he sent me an email the next day that was very, well weird. But we had a couple of months break in between, some mutual friends and ended up going on a first date where both of our attitudes were, ‘well, what the hell? why not?’.

    Maybe it’ll work. Maybe it’ll just be some good convo about entrepreneurship. One date doesn’t require any additional obligation.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      First, regarding the second date, like I’ve told Maria, if we go on the date and I have a good time and feel a good connection with her, I would most certainly go on a second date. Even though this first date seems like a bit of a novelty, I’m not dismissing it, nor am I dismissing future possibilities with her.

      Thanks for sharing your story. From all these comments, I’m starting to feel like I’m too quick to filter out people. Although, to be fair, let’s look at the numbers: I went on 18 first dates in 3 months from the online dating. I am truly very open to going out on dates–I hope no one denies me that. I had various levels of attraction to those women, but I still said yes to the possibilities.

  14. Bob says:

    In your 18 first dates in 3 months, did go on any dates with “Marias” — people whom you found interesting or adimirable but not in a way you were initially attracted to — or not?

    If you did and they soundly did not work out, I say don’t go on this date either.

    If you didn’t, and going on a date in this circumstance would be “something new,” I say go for it.

    Maria’s willingness to do that does in some way match with your own willingness to put your personal thoughts (sometimes contraversial, like in today’s post) out there for everone to see and comment on. The sheer boldness of being willing to put yourself out there in public as Maria has done may be worth a first date on it’s own merits. I’ll weigh this aspect of the equation as I wait for your reply on the above (I’m withholding my vote until you have a chance to respond).

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      That’s a good argument, Bob. I would say that I was attracted to everyone I went out with, so maybe trying something new would be the way to go.

      • Amanda says:

        What about other girls you previously denied hanging out with due to the fact that you found them unattractive? Are you going to take anther look at them too or is Maria just a special one?

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Well, Maria is a special case because she requested this blog entry. Like I said in the first line, this is probably the first and last time I’ll do this. Even though I wrote it, I’m still not comfortable with this post.

      • Bob says:

        Okay, I’m voting yes, then, with one stipulation: If “yes” wins, and you go on a date, make sure Maria knows where she stands and what you expect out of the date so she’s going in with no misunderstandings about where you’re coming from. If she decides to back out given whatever you tell her (privately), then let her do so without embarrassment – which may mean not blogging further about it. (That all depends if she’s okay with it or not.)

        Also, you should keep calling her Maria to see if it sticks.

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          I think that’s fair, Bob. I don’t seek to confuse or embarrass Maria. I think giving her the platform to say whatever she’d like on Sunday night is the right way to go.

  15. Kelly says:

    You were up front with Maria from the start and said you were not physically attracted to her, so it’s not like she doesn’t know what she is getting into at this point, right? What does it hurt to give her a date and see what happens? Maybe she will have a date with you and say, what a jerk. Let the curiosity play itself out. At this point, I do think you are intrigued by Maria, otherwise you wouldn’t have agreed to the blog poll.

    I think it’s possible for someone to become more attractive once you have a more intellectual interaction. All of your communication has been via e-mail, I presume, and I think via e-mail it is difficult to fully see someoneโ€™s personality. All of us have said something in e-mail and had someone take “what you meant to say” completely differently then what you said. E-mail and text are both horrible ways of determining someoneโ€™s true personality and character, so I don’t think you can use that as a strike against Maria.

    This all being said, I say give her the date. Maybe you will both be surprised by the results!

    P.S. I made sure to run spell check because I am not a pro at spelling or grammar either ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Kelly–Thanks for your comment. It’s true, there’s a good chance Maria will go on a date with me and not be interested at all. Like I noted above, there’s nothing to lose by going out for drinks other than an hour or so and a few dollars.

      E-mail is a tough way to gauge personality. I will say that I genuinely like communicating over e-mail. It’s better in person, obviously, but I’m the type of person who likes to think over things before compiling my thoughts. E-mail gives me an opportunity to do that, and therefore I place more value on how someone else communicates with me over e-mail than the average person.

  16. Emily says:

    I voted yes out of selfishness. I want you to go on this date, just because I don’t want this to end! People seem to have a big opinion on whether or not you should go on this date. And the voting is so close. It’s like a soap opera!

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Ha ha…you voted yes for the sheer entertainment value? Did anyone else do that?

      • Katie says:

        *raises hand*

        I really don’t care either way, but there seems to be a big difference between the “Why not?” group and the “Why bother?” group. Usually I’ll check into the blog once in the afternoon to see if anything thought-provoking has been mentioned, but I will confess to endlessly refreshing the page today to watch it all unfold! (I subscribed to get the comments via email, but it can be hard to tell when someone is replying to a previous comment or if it’s something new.)

        I wouldn’t necessarily say that I voted yes for the entertainment value, but rather because I’m really interested in hearing about what you think of Maria after you meet her! I wonder if there are things about her that you will find surprising once you meet her in person, or if you will end up feeling like your first impression of her over email was pretty accurate. (I, for one, would also LOVE to hear Maria’s impression of you as well!)

        But the more I think about it, part of me doesn’t want you to go because I don’t think *YOU* want to. Your agreement with Eric’s comment above pretty much drives it home in one succinct line. Plus, I know you tend to rely heavily on your gut, almost to the point that you don’t listen to anything else. So if your gut is already telling you no, she doesn’t really have a shot, in my opinion. I’m not saying that if she turns out to be great you wouldn’t change your mind, but the cards aren’t exactly stacked in her favor right now!

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          I must say, I’m thankful for all the comments and discussion on the blog today. These days are quite fun.

          Well, I agree with Eric, but later on in the comments after I really thought about it, I noted that there have been times when I haven’t been attracted to a woman at first, and then that attraction grows. It’s rarely, but it happens.

          Like I said, if the date happens and we really click, I’m totally open to a second date. But that’s thinking ahead a bit. I will most definitely listen to my gut after that second date instead of my blog readers. ๐Ÿ™‚ You all are great, but my gut knows me best.

  17. Dave says:

    Bottom line–Jayme and Maria need to meet up. Donโ€™t even call it a date; just go out to meet each other in person. You never know where it might lead. You might become friends, start a romance, or never talk again. But there is really nothing to lose in just meeting for drinks or dinner. Also, it seems like Jayme has some level of interest in Maria, since he has invested time in multiple emails and devoted a blog to her.

    • Dave says:

      Jamey, sorry I misspelled your name. I just noticed that. Anyone who knows me well (Maria) knows that I am an excellent speller and proof reader.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Dave–No problem about the name. We all make typos.

      I’m a little surprised that some readers think that the e-mails and blog entry indicate an interest in Maria. I e-mail with all sorts of people who I’m not romantically interested in. And I wrote this blog because I’m interested in the topic and the conversation it might lead to.

      But you’re right, there’s no harm in getting drinks and chatting for an hour. We’ll see how the votes turn out.

  18. Harley says:

    I’ll say this again after reading all the comments, and no offense to Jamey (let it be known to the furthest reaches of the interweb that I adore Jamey Stegmaier, as he is, in his entirity) but I do not think Maria should go on this date with Jamey.

    Note how I worded that: Maria with Jamey. Not “Should Jamey go on this date?” but as a woman, for the sake of another woman, “Maria should not go on this date.”

    If Maria is coming into this with date/future/relationship in mind, it is not something she should gamble with. Especially knowing what Jamey already thinks about her.

    If they were both “meh” and viewing this as a hang out, sure.

    I haven’t been on a date with anyone other than my husband in ten years, but this isn’t something I’d want anyone to do for the sake of their own emotional happiness.

    Maria, hold out.

    Jamey, I love you.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      It’s good of you to look out for Maria, Harley. Does anyone who care about Maria agree with Harley and want to change their vote?

      • Dave says:

        I keep my yes vote. Don’t worry about Maria. She is more than capable of handling herself in any situation.

      • Katie says:

        No, but what I wouldn’t give to pick Harley’s brain about a few of my own situations! ๐Ÿ™‚

        That being said, I’m not changing my vote because I think after reading all of these comments, Maria is smart enough to know what she’s headed into.

        I’d like to agree with those that suggest to meet up but not call it a date, but I can’t. While I think that’s great in theory, it’s really just changing the superficial label on something that will have the same outcome no matter what you call it. Even if it’s not a date, Jamey would at some point have to choose whether or not to pursue a romantic relationship with her. It is something I’m sure he would decide fairly quickly. So whether they start as friends and he decides that he just wants to remain friends or if he goes on a date and doesn’t want a 2nd date, he is still having to make a call about how he wants their relationship/interaction to continue (This is of course assuming that Jamey and not Maria will make this decision, and that Jamey is not romantically intersted in Maria after they meet. It was just easier to explain with one option. Sorry Maria!). I think that because Maria has not expressed being just friends with Jamey, it is implied that even if this wasn’t a date, she would still be waiting for him to make a decision at some point about whether he did want to end up dating her. Therefore, the same point is reached, just in a more roundabout way.

        I hope that made sense!

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Sure, it’s a date. I don’t think there’s any debate there. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Keep in mind that Maria may meet me and have no interest afterwards–it’s a two-way street!

          Harley’s brain is up for picking at harleymay.com

  19. Jill says:

    I voted no. From my personal experience on match.com (Jamey, we actually exchanged a few emails), I have learned that more often than not you gain a false sense of intimacy from exchanging emails and looking at profiles. You know random intimate details about the other person, they write witty responses,look good on paper, and so typically you give them the benefit of the doubt. My point being, in online dating if you have a gut feeling that nothing is going to come out of it, you’re probably right. I’ve been on dates like that, where I already knew it was doomed to fail but the guy was so “nice/kind/witty/we have similar interests/etc.” and it played out exactly how I predicted. Chemistry is hard to fake, both online and in the real world.

    I agree with Harley, Maria for your sake, find someone who wants to take you out on a date and who sees a potential future with you. You deserve it! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Ah, someone who really gets it. I agree with everything you said above, Jill. You gotta trust that gut feeling.

      Of course, now I feel like a jerk because I don’t remember a Jill from Match. Perhaps your user name was different?

      • Jill says:

        Don’t feel like a jerk. It’s Match & I think I stopped responding anyway when my membership expired. My username didn’t have my name in it, but I think I emailed you after you winked at me because I read your blog. I also like to dance in my undies in my living room, maybe that will jog your memory?

  20. Dustin says:

    I donโ€™t think Maria should go on the date. Sheโ€™s trying very hard to get A DATE. If somehow they did end up in a relationship sheโ€™s fighting an uphill battle. They wouldnโ€™t start out in a relationship as equals. Jamey already thinks she isnโ€™t attractive and questions her intelligence.

    Sheโ€™s cute, funny, entrepreneurial, and flirtatious. At the very least she shouldnโ€™t have a hard time finding a date, especially with Chiliโ€™s having that 2 for $20 deal.

    I donโ€™t know why she would try this hard unless she just really likes free food or sheโ€™s writing a piece about dating guys on Match.com.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      This is a fair point, made into an awesome point via the Chili’s reference.

      It’s a good question: Why is Maria trying this hard with me? It can’t be because of ME. I’m just a normal guy.

  21. Joe S says:

    Jamey,
    I’m still kind of amazed at this post a little bit. It was ballsy on her part…. but I have to say, after re-reading it, your tone seems harsh. Its almost clinically defensive… I keep reading “please don’t vote to make me go on this date”. Ultimately you’ll do what you want, so decide to be who you want to be and go do it.

    Now pardon me while I hijack your blog ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Maria,
    If Jamey doesn’t know how to take a risk, I do – ask him for my email.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Joe, I hear you. And trust me, I know who I am and what I want. I just thought this would make for an interesting blog entry, and it certainly has turned out to be one.

      I like your style, though. Maria actually lives quite close to you. I’ll give her your e-mail address.

  22. Amy says:

    I am changing my vote to NO.

    My solution:

    Maria and Joe should double date with Jill and Jamey. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Joe is letting Maria know he is willing to take a risk.

    Maria – you sound like a phenomenal woman – although we all love Jamey, don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t interested in appreciating you even if it does make for a good blog post. You deserve someone who can’t WAIT to take you out!! (Sorry J!)

    (I know Jamey would put his heart into it if you do go but I still think it would be very uncomfortable for both of you.)

    Jamey winked at Jill so there was interest there (and he likes the whole dancing in underwear thing). Jill obviously still reads Jamey’s blog so I am presuming (sorry Jill!!) she still has a level of interest, even if it is just reading the blog.

    Everyone can live happily ever after!

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Ha ha…I love it! And no offense taken at all. I mean, I want to date a woman who I’m really excited about. Doesn’t everyone?

      The double date idea is brilliant. Amy, why don’t you join us as the “fifth wheel,” and halfway through the date, Joe and I have to decide if we want to continue our original dates or start a new date with you?

      • Jill says:

        This commentary is cracking me up! I can only consent to this 5 person group date if we can include the man I am currently dating. I guess we’ll just have to do it round robin style or use a bracket of some sort to see who likes whom at the end! ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Amy says:

          Getting to St. Louis might be a bit of a challenge but I guess you can just Skype me in. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Jill — I wouldn’t bring him – the date sounds like all is up for grabs (minds out of the gutter, kids – ha!) and no one is safe!

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Sure, round robin style is fair. Although, what if the other ladies choose your boyfriend? I guess you have other options right there for you if that happens.

          Amy, Skyping you in is fine.

          • Dustin says:

            I want to enter into this crazy skype date tournament. I just want to compete for prizes and/or find true love.

            • Jamey Stegmaier says:

              Okay, so how does the tournament work (especially with Skype involved)? And can fresh chocolate chip cookies be one of the prizes? Maybe at the end of the round, you get to choose between the woman or the cookie.

              • acooperfan says:

                Hahaha, now you are pushing it, Stegmayer! This is making me change my vote to NO, and suggest that Jamey and Maria host a big singles mix party! Jamey knows how to throw one, and Maria sounds like she would be a wonderful, fun hostess.

  23. I think all the thinking and build-up about this date may have doomed it, but I still think you should go through with it.

  24. Since Maria asked for this blog vote, she probably has the female cajones (what are those, ovaries?) to handle it. I like that she’s funny and assertive. But I’ve been on both sides of the “I’m not interested/But if you only got to know me” debate too many times. In my experience, it’s not worth dragging it out.

    Jamey, I don’t get the impression you’re someone who typically judges people publicly, but that you’re just allowing us a window into your thought process because of the unusual situation your find yourself in. I believe your intentions are honorable, maybe because you said you’d let your grandma break a tie.

    I voted that Jamey not go on the date. I think sometimes we confuse trusting our instincts with having a closed mind. I’ve said yes when I shouldn’t have, thinking I needed to “keep an open mind.” Some of those dates are etched on my memory as among the most embarrassing, sad, and even dangerous moments of my life. I think being untrue to yourself is a poor choice.

    I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I believe in knowing at 1st sight if love is possible. Saying no isn’t mean. It’s honest. On the other hand, if someone pressed me for reasons, I might decline to share them. Just because someone asks you to punch them, doesn’t mean you should.

    Maria and Jamey both deserve to date someone they want to date & someone whose first reaction is at least “maybe.”

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      So many good points here, Cara. I definitely think there’s a lot of wisdom in the statement that there’s a difference between trusting your instincts and having a closed mind. And it’s fair that maybe I shouldn’t have told Maria why I wasn’t interested. That might be fodder for a future poll: Do people want to know why they’re rejected, even if the truth hurts, or would they rather not know? Or would they rather just be ignored completely? I’ve put this on my future blog entry list.

      • BTW, I only came to the conclusion about maybe not offering reasons even when asked, because I’ve spent most of my life answering everything I’m asked. So, it’s kind of a new practice for me, and I’m not necessarily that good at it. ๐Ÿ™‚ Long story short, I think this was a great post, very thought-provoking. I love that your blog is both well-written and interactive Jamey… a killer combo.

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Thanks, Cara. It’s still a little unsettling for me to air a private decision in a public forum, but once can’t hurt too much…I hope. ๐Ÿ™‚

          I also hope your new practice of not answering everything you’re asked goes well!

  25. Amy says:

    There is no more room to reply about the Group/Skype date so I’m starting a new one – Chocolate chip cookies, especially freshly baked would put you men at a disadvantage even if I was only Skyped in because you know I will always pick the cookie!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Sorry boys!

    I think the singles mix party sounds fun! You guys can make it so everyone has to bring a single friend of the opposite sex. I think SATC did that in one episode. So jealous – I have always wanted to do that!!!

    You have to do a post with pics if you do it J!!

    And in honor of Jill you can all dance around in your underwear! Ha!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    BTW – where is Trevor in this discussion? As your potential future best man I would think he would have a vested interest in this debate. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Yeah, I’d also be hard pressed not to choose the cookies–immediate satisfaction! ๐Ÿ™‚

      I think the underwear dance is a great idea. That way there’s no hiding anything.

      Trevor would have liked to chime in, but he’s been swamped with work.

  26. Jill says:

    I guess the up side would be at the end, no matter how the party/date(s) turned out everyone would have full tummies & be in a good mood from the underwear dance party! Or it would be horribly awkward, but either way, immensely entertaining.

  27. Karin says:

    I have been doing a fair amount of online dating lately (and writing about it on my blog: naturalselectionandrejection.tumblr.com), so Jamey thought I might want to weigh in on this debate.

    If the only reason Jamey didn’t want to go on the date were lack of physical attraction, I would have voted yes. There have been guys that I did not find particularly attractive from their online picture, but I went out with them because I thought their emails were cute or they seemed interesting. And sometimes people are just not that photogenic. A couple of those guys were charming and funny and smart, and by the end of the date I found myself more attracted than I thought. Of course, there have also been dudes who have sent me emails, and they are so far away from what I would normally find attractive, I don’t respond because there is no way, no matter how great they are, that I will ever find them attractive. But in this case, Maria is attractive, if not to Jamey in particular.

    However, since Jamey finds certain aspects of her personality unattractive also (whether she actually is that way or not), there is really no point. Everyone has deal breakers, and although we might not agree with Jamey’s in particular, there they are. And I think from Maria’s perspective, (and I have been in this situation, too) it is never very fun to go on a date feeling like you have to convince the other person to like you. Of course most first dates have some level of trying to impress the other person, but it can’t be a great feeling knowing that you have an uphill battle on that one. So, I voted no, for both of you!

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Karin–Thanks for the comment. I think it’s a good reminder to everyone that we all have our own personal dealbreakers; we may not agree with each other, but we can at least respect each other.

      Also, I don’t think I try to impress on the first date (or any dates). Do people really do that? My goal on a date is to have a good time and make sure the woman has a good time, mostly through conversation. I figure if a woman is willing to spend an hour or two with me, at the very least I want her to feel comfortable.

  28. […] the post last week, I asked Maria to write about the experience of being publicly dissected for today’s blog. […]

  29. […] which is the most ever on a single entry on this blog, surpassing the previous titleholder, Should I Go on This Date?. Many of the comments are hilarious, as they feature two groups of people telling stories about how […]

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