You Decided: Jamey and Maria Go on a Date

Following the post last week, I asked Maria to write about the experience of being publicly dissected for today’s blog. She agreed and wrote the following post. If any readers have questions for me, please put them in the comments section and I’ll be happy to answer.

It all began a week ago when I decided to log on to match.com.  I have been there before so I didn’t have to spend a long time completing my profile.  I want you all to know that I don’t have problems finding a guy to date or to hang out with. I just have a problem with finding the right guy to date. The first thing I saw when I logged on was Jamey’s amazing smile.  It immediately drew me in.  I then went on to read Jamey’s profile and was extremely attracted to his intelligence.  There was something about him that left me wanting to know more; I then Googled him to find his blog.  After reading about half his blog and learning about him I knew that I wanted to meet him. It’s hard to explain but there was something about him that I couldn’t get out of my mind. It seemed that Jamey had this aura about him that instantly made you like him and instantly put a smile on my face.  At that point I knew he was special.  At the risk of looking like a crazy person I emailed him.

To my surprise he responded; however his answer was no. I was a little disappointed so I pressed the issue because I wanted to meet him.  Jamey seemed to be a guy that was more about the personality, conversation, and overall person instead of dwelling on physical appearance.  I was shocked when he said he wasn’t physically attracted to me.  We continued to talk over email and I was persistent about him giving me a chance. Now, some of the readers said that maybe I was a little naive to think that I could get him to change his mind, and perhaps they were right.  I believe in fate. I believe that Jamey’s profile was the first profile I saw for a reason and that we were destined to meet. I honestly thought that once he met me and got to know me in person that there could be a possibility of us dating.  I don’t have much dating experience and haven’t been in a lot of relationship because I was married for almost ten years (yes, I got married at 19).  I never really dated before, I never had any other real relationships before, and so in a way I guess it’s true that I am a little naïve.  Then I suggested to Jamey that he should let the readers decide our fate.

In Jamey’s defense, I knew that he didn’t like certain things about me; however I had no idea exactly what he was going to put in the post.  As far as spelling and grammar goes, I’ve never been good at those subjects.  I know that is a weakness of huge mine. But the way he called it out was a huge shock to me.  I actually think my chin hit the floor.  I don’t believe that grammar and spelling measure someone’s intelligence.  While some people are good at grammar and spelling others are good at math and science.  When people can’t add without a calculator you don’t call them out on it because it’s actually the norm to use a calculator these days. With writing and spelling it’s different. We use it every day and it’s very noticeable when something isn’t correct.  It’s even noticeable to me.  When I’m writing a business letter or something important I always have someone proof read it because I know I’m not good at it (Jamey has offered to proof read this post as well, thanks Jamey). I never thought in a million years I would be judged in a personal email about grammar or spelling. This is a lesson learned and I will always try to make sure that I have the correct usage of your, you’re, its, it’s, and to, too.

Jamey’s comments about me being drama actually made me laugh.  I hate drama. What I thought were healthy discussion and playfulness he took as drama.  It’s all about how you write a statement, the words you use, the way a person reads it, and a smiley face. I hope that Jamey would agree that once we were past the dating issue and the blog was up that we got along fine with everyday conversation and that there was no drama.

While the post was up and the comments were coming in Jamey and I continued to email and we got to know each other a little better.  I think Jamey is a great guy with some very tight and protected boundaries.  I feel that Jamey has this image of the perfect woman for him and if something doesn’t match up it’s an automatic no.  While Jamey says he is open to possibilities I often wonder if he truly is.  I believe that Jamey isn’t open to someone that is different than him.  What I mean by that is, someone that can open him up and help him blossom, someone that flies by the seat of their pants and is very spontaneous and doesn’t have their whole life planned out.  I’m not saying Jamey’s lifestyle is wrong or that mine is right. I just think that the unknown to Jamey scares him.  I think that Jamey isn’t rejecting the women in his life but the possibility or the idea of a certain type of woman in his life.  I think that Jamey rejects the unfamiliar because he isn’t used to it.  I think Jamey is sure of himself and what he wants out of life; however I think he is very confused on what he wants in a partner.  He isn’t open to dismissing some of the petty things that bother him to see the bigger picture. No one is perfect, we all have flaws; it’s how we deal with them that make or break the relationship.

After a few days of the blog and reading all the comments, the poll indicated that you all wanted Jamey and I to meet up, so we did.  I was excited but nervous about all the pressure of the date. I thought that we gotten along great and I had a good time. I didn’t feel that the conversation lagged at all.  And I’m sure you all could guess that I liked Jamey. I enjoyed the company, the conversation, and just being there overall.  I think that Jamey is special and has a lot to offer someone, however I believe he needs to open up to all possibilities good or bad, perhaps find someone that can bring out that wild side in him, and take him outside his comfort zone.

When I showed up to meet Jamey I had a gift for him. I brought him cookies, because of the comments on the blog. I told him at the end of the night he could choose which he would prefer, cookies or me.  Let’s just say that I’m sure Jamey enjoyed those cookies very much. J  I’m not upset about Jamey not wanting to date me, I’m disappointed in the fact that I don’t feel like I had a fighting chance.  I think that after the first date we should have went on the second one without all the pressure of the post or the hype of the date.  I have no hard feelings towards Jamey at all. I admire the fact that he could be honest with me upfront.  I only asked for honesty and he did nothing but give that to me, brutally.  I hope that Jamey and I can have a great friendship.  I want nothing more than for him to be happy and to find what he is looking for. The girl than can “pin” Jamey will be very lucky to have him.

This experience has been a fun, interesting, and a great learning experience about me and how people perceive me.  I don’t regret emailing Jamey because if anything I have a new friend.  I will think twice about the blog idea if it ever comes up again.  I appreciate everyone that responded and voted. This experience has not made me be less open to possibilities; if anything it has made me more open to them. I know the person for me is out there I just have to keep looking. I believe if you don’t try then you will never know what could have been.  I also believe that some of the best things in life are worth fighting for.


23 Responses to “You Decided: Jamey and Maria Go on a Date”

  1. kambabe says:

    To maria I can totally relate to the no dating experience thing I too got married young (I was 16) and since my divorce was feeling kinda at odds with it all, but then I met my new boyfriend through twitter and life has been just awesome, yay for you gus and jamie- nice post

  2. Amanda says:

    He comes up on my match.com thing too, but he goes away if you tell it to remove him as a match…until you do a new search and he pops up again.
    I think if Jamey didn’t think you were attractive,then there isn’t a chance for the rest of the females out there. You absolutely glow in your picture and I’m sure in person you light up a room.
    Very cool that you actually got him to go out in public, it was probably good for him to go on a date with someone who didn’t match what he sees as ideal. Maybe he’ll be more open to possibilities with less than ideal females in the future.

  3. Zong says:

    Maria – brave and insightful post. You’ve got a lot to offer, and I’m confident you’ll pin the right one for you.

    Jamey – I’m reminded of my sister’s best friend when she went wedding dress shopping. She had a list in mind and went in search of the perfect dress that met all of her preconceived requirements. Naturally, the search was fruitless until her grandmother asked her to try on a dress of her choosing. It had several features the bride-to-be had ruled out, and was missing a few must-haves.

    She put it on and started crying — it was perfect.

    I think in the end we’re all looking for that girl with capital-I capital-T = IT, and after that it comes down to how we tackle the day-to-day together. But once you figure out the magic formula for finding that person, please let me know, and I promise to do the same for you if I happen to get there first.

    (Looking forward to the Top Ten Grievances of 2010, btw)

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Zong–Thanks for the judicious and insightful post. The analogy works well, but I do want to address the perception that Maria wrote about that I have this checklist that must be fulfilled for the perfect woman.

      In truth, I only have two true dealbreakers: She must be okay with cats, and she must not smoke at all. Beyond that, if I sense a spark or connection when I read about a woman and see her photo online, I’m happy to start a conversation. And if the conversation confirms that there’s some sort of connection there, I’m happy to go on a date.

      A lot of it comes down to the date, just like your sister’s best friend actually had to try on the dress before realizing it was the perfect fit. I know that people can be nervous on the first date, so I try to look past that. What I’m really looking for is a good connection on the first date. I want to be excited by the woman, by the conversation, by her sense of humor, by the flirtation and possible physical chemistry.

      As I’ve written in the other post’s comments section, it all comes down to my gut. I can’t trust a checklist. But I can trust my gut.

  4. Jamey Stegmaier says:

    One thing that I find interesting about this whole experience and from some of the comments is that you all seem to know what type of women I go out with, while you really have no idea. Attraction is completely subjective. If you saw photos of the 18 women I went on first dates with from Match, you’ll see 18 women who look completely different from one another. But in each of them I found something physically attractive (along with other things), even in photos.

    • Red says:

      You know the solution to that right? You’d have to post the photos of these datees (which I know you wouldn’t do without their permission).

      Everyone with the gift of sight draws conclusions based on looks. But it is taboo to discuss honestly what makes someone physically attractive enough to date, because it inevitavely comes makes the speaker appear to have some hard-line criteria of what is allowable in the physicallity of the other sex, saying that people with X physical quality are not worth my time. This is often attributed (correectly or incorrectly) to the speaker’s self-image.

      I would agree with Maria though that while you may only have a few dealbreakers, one could argue that you have a highly-refined sense of what you think will be the components of a good partner(see the Survey). Whether that will work for you has yet to be seen. But no one can argue that this high bar does seem to cause more buzz, and pique ladies’ interests.

      How were the cookies though?

    • Amanda says:

      I just figured you are choosing your dates based off of the “What I Want” post you have on here. Yes attractiveness is subjective, but it seems like if it doesn’t fit exactly into the package you have created for it that you’re not interested in the possibilities. Maybe it’s different when you’re looking for strictly platonic friends, but as far as dates go it sounds like you’re very particular. I still applaud you though, I wouldn’t have had the balls to let random people decide whether or not I go on a date.

      • Jamey Stegmaier says:

        That’s a fair point. I do have a rough idea of the type of woman I’m generally attracted to. But I certainly don’t limit myself to that.

  5. Harley says:

    Maria,

    Again, I’d like to commend you on how brave all this was and am relieved that you don’t seem to regret it. The fact that you view it as a learning and growing experience shows all of us how resilient a person you are. You are, quite honestly, lovely.

    Jamey,

    I like what you just said: “it all comes down to my gut. I can’t trust a checklist. But I can trust my gut.”

    • Maria says:

      Thanks for the comments!

      This has been a great learning experience. I’ve enjoyed the post, the comments, the grammar/spelling lessons, and meeting Jamey.:)

      I heard this once from someone and I thought this summed everything up perfectly.

      “Never have regrets because at one point everything you did in life was exactly what you wanted”

  6. Dave says:

    Great post Maria. And you are welcome for the editing help (I hope that was not a secret). I am glad that you both went on the date. Regardless if you had a romantic spark or not, it is nice to break out of the mold and do something new and spontaneous. Even if the relationship never progresses, I hope that at least Maria and Jamey have both met someone new that they can consider a friend. Based on knowing Maria since 1998, and a surface evaluation of Jamey through his blog and comments from Maria, I don’t think the two personalities would mesh well romantically. But that being said, I think you both could be terrific friends that would really add a lot to each other’s lives. Thanks Jamey for the interesting blog posting, and thanks Maria for being such an outgoing, secure woman. I think this has been an interesting experience for all of us.

  7. Ariel says:

    hmmmm…perhaps Jamey went on match.com with the secret motive of increasing his blog readership, not to find the love of his life – and that is the REAL reason he didn’t find anyone. I count three new readers in this post alone.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      So you’re saying that the blog directs my life instead of my life directing the blog? Interesting theory. Any recommendations of other interesting things I could do just for good blog conversation?

      I do still have to do that thing where I send a woman a glass of milk at a restaurant (instead of an alcoholic beverage).

    • Amanda says:

      Oooo! That’s a good motive, Ariel! It’s kinda twisted, I like it. We could say that the whole allergy experience just set him off and he snapped and came up with this crazy scheme. However I bet he’s happy with ~200 views a day, and if he isn’t then maybe he really does have a secret motive. So let’s see, Jamey is at 203 readers now. Who thinks he’s shooting for 500? 😛

Leave a Reply