My Greatest Fear #17: Getting Attacked in the Shower

I don’t think there’s any place where you feel more vulnerable than the shower.

You’re naked. It’s slippery. You can’t hear or see what’s going on in the rest of your house. You’re confined to a very small space with one exit. Your only defensive weapon on hand is your loofah.

When people break into your home, usually the last thing they want to run into is you. But that doesn’t stop my mind from wandering when I’m in the shower. It wanders to the slim possibility that someone has broken into my home with the intent of harming me, and I’m in the shower when it happens.

As improbable as this fear sounds, I think there’s probably something in all (or many) of us that relates to this fear. Hitchcock featured it in Psycho, so I’m definitely not alone here.

And the thing is–the thing that I tell myself when I pry to open my eyes through shampoo lather to see if there’s an intruder in the bathroom–is, what am I really going to do in that situation? It’s not quite helpless, but it’s pretty close. If someone is motivated and able to break into your house at the exact time that you are most vulnerable, you probably don’t stand a chance against them. I’m not saying I wouldn’t try to fight my way out with that loofah, but I understand that my chances are slim.

It’s like the common fear that your plane is going to crash. I get it, but what are you really going to do if your plane starts to go down? You’re not in control of that situation. Just strap on that oxygen mask, get a little high, and enjoy the ride.

So why not just relax and enjoy the shower? That’s what I’m working on.


15 Responses to “My Greatest Fear #17: Getting Attacked in the Shower”

  1. ms says:

    I thought Biddy was there to protect you, or at the very least warn you of intruders.

  2. Bryce says:

    Most of your fears are completely ridiculous (see: the awesome popping sound of canned bread), but I totally feel you on this one. I pretty much always go downstairs and make sure the doors are locked and the alarm is on before I get in the shower.

    You’ll be jealous to know that, thanks to my lovely wife, I now have a solid teak stool in my shower that will be an excellent defensive weapon if/when I get attacked.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Pillsburyphobia is a legitimate fear, I’ll have you know.

      A teak stool..nice! Paired with some bar soap, you’re practically invincible.

  3. Katie says:

    I scared one of my friends in high school by ripping back the shower curtain while she was in there and pretending like I was going to stab her with a tube of toothpaste (but with soap in her eyes she had no idea who I was or what I was holding). I don’t think she’s ever quite forgiven me.

    It was awesome. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. T-Mac says:

    Maybe you should keep a weapon in the shower or, at the very least, Google, “How to kick someone’s ass with a loofah”. You could also lock the bathroom door as an impediment to sneaking up on you or set up a complex security system similar to that used in the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I have connections in Illinois who can help procure a giant boulder, and poisoned arrows can’t be that difficult to come by.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I’m curious how you get all these connections…

      The problem with the locked door is that they’re actually very easy to unlock. Plus, Biddy goes CRAZY if he can’t get in and out of the bathroom when I shower. So I have to leave the door open a crack or else he’ll throw himself against the door and turn the handle, both of which are way scarier than just leaving the door open.

      • ms says:

        Is Biddy there for you or for him? I say, Biddy should be your watch cat ! in or out !! and I would say ‘in with you’!! and if he opens the door– then good for him. Good tornado drill practice to stay with you.

  5. Georgia says:

    This was interesting, and something I never thought about until you pointed it out. (Much like your blog on fear of getting shocked by lightning.)

    Its nice to know Jaysen and I aren’t the only ones with a cat that can’t stand being locked out of the bathroom. Has Biddy ever scared you by sneaking in?

    The rest of my response was too long to post on here so I wound up turning it into a short blog! Thanks for the inspiration ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Biddy has scared me more by slamming himself against the door than anything else. I’m used to it by now, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when he does it.

  6. Amy says:

    I put the alarm on AND lock my bedroom door (don’t have one to the bathroom) when I am home alone! Funny thing, I feel safer when Ben, who is 19 months is in the house. Not sure why…think it is because I rationalize to myself that nothing like that could possibly happen with a baby/toddler in the house. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I also have an irrational fear of someone hiding under my bed. It is pretty high up so I usually end up doing a climb/jump onto it so no one can grab my ankles and pull me under!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      It is reassuring to have someone else in the house, isn’t it? Even if they’re as small as Ben.

      I hope Ben never tries to surprise you by hiding under your bed!

  7. You have a point. You are also right about the plane thing. I personally have a fear in riding planes, since you really have no chance of surviving when it crashes.

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