Valentine’s Day: Twilight Special

Of course this has nothing to do with Twilight, but if you've seen the Lost episode "The Constant," you know that this is the best Valentine's Day card ever.

For having lived together for just over a month, my roommate and I have talked about Twilight surprisingly often. Even more surprising is that I’ve never read the Twilight books, nor do I plan to. But they make excellent conversation fodder.

Jess (roommate) revealed to me that after making fun of Twilight for a while, she decided she should at least read one of the books so her mocking could be more informed. So not only did she read the first book, but she also blogged about the experience with her friend Adam.

She shared her blog with me (start at the bottom and read up if you have a few minutes–it’s worth it), and I was LOLing all over the place. It’s very, very funny. To make it easier on those who don’t have the time to read the entire blog, here are the highlights that delighted me the most:

  • Edward describes himself as a “carnivorous flower” that is attracted to its prey. I think Edward just beat out Bella for the ridiculous self-description award. “Hi there, I’m Jessica. I’m like a Vegan Dandelion! I enjoy long walks on the beach and a good mimosa!”
  • Psst! Bella! No-one will ever want the farm if you give away the milk for free. (describing Bella’s challenge for Edward to kiss her)
  • During one of Edward’s more vulnerable moments, Bella assures him the he is neither repulsive nor terrifying. As a thank you for the positive reinforcement: he attacks her, literally hurling himself at her, tackling her to the ground, and then forces her to sit in his lap, while inviting his family into the room.
  • Edward admits to Bella that he never thought he’d find someone who would want to be more than “brother and sister” with him. I guess I have a lot of brothers.
  • Finally, there’s the ‘innocent’ sleepover in Chapter 14: “I pulled on my holey t-shirt and gray sweatpants. Too late to regret not packing the Victoria’s Secret silk pajamas my mother got me two birthdays ago.” Oh yeah. Remember that year you turned 14 and your mom bought your sex clothes?
  • Oh. My. God. I have a perfectly good carton of yogurt in the fridge that has been in my life for longer than Bella and Edward have known eachother. But they are ready to commit. FOR LIFE.
  • Hey kids: you know that special someone from biology who’s been stalking you and resisting the urge to ejaculate in your presence? Weeeell: forget college, careers, dating around, having a hobby, reading, setting goals, playing sports, or buying a blowdryer: because it’s about time you made that person your entire world.

So that’s it: Love, Twilight style. If you want to have the ideal Twilight Valentine’s, men, all you have to do is perfect in every way. And women, all you have to do is realize that the biggest choice in your life is which perfect man you should choose.

8 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day: Twilight Special”

  1. That’s what Twilight’s about!? And that’s what the tweens and teens are reading!? Gross! Crossing these books off my list.

    And you have the “Hey kids” line repeated.

  2. The timing of this is hilarious! I’ve always secretly judged adults who admitted to reading the Twilight series or watching the movies. But I got bored this weekend and my curiosity got the better of me, so I rented and watched the first two movies. Not bad, as long as you continue to regard them as a guilty pleasure and not actual cinema. I was giving a play-by-play to someone and it’s so melodramatic that you almost have to revert back to teen-speak to describe it. It’s just too ridiculous to have a serious conversation about it as an adult.

    “And like, Edwards loves her SO MUCH, but he totally wants to like, suck all her blood because he says she’s like his own personal drug, but he can’t, because that would like, totally kill her, so he just like, stares at her all the time, and it’s so hard for him to control it, but he’s so dreamy and tortured and pale, but like, so cute too. Bella is so lucky. And she totally wants to be a vampire, but he won’t turn her into one because, like, it would enternally damn her soul or something, and I guess that’s a bad thing, I dunno. But seriously, she is so lucky. I wish I had someone that loves me that much that they wanted to kill me but wouldn’t. *sigh* And don’t even get me started on Jacob. He was ok looking, but then he cut his hair and got all ripped and can’t stop taking off his shirt, and HE LOVES BELLA TOO! OMG. It’s just so awesome.”

    Thank goodness I didn’t try to read the books, because based on Jess’ excerpts, I don’t think I would have made it too far before throwing the first book against the wall.

    • ” I wish I had someone that loves me that much that they wanted to kill me but wouldn’t. *sigh*”

      Hilarious. And it’s official: I’ll never understand women.

  3. Everything I know about Twilight is from this entry, and I will definitely keep it that way. And the Dharma Valentine is outstanding.


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