“Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty” Archrival Expresses Regret, Disappointment

PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) – At his 100th birthday party, Jim Faust, the man who coined the term “Lefty Inflexy, Righty Wobbly” expressed his disappointment that things didn’t turn out differently.

“Hudson has something I didn’t,” said Faust, referring to archrival inventor Hudson Sear. “That beautiful face. That damn beautiful face.”

Faust and Sear were fierce rivals in the race to create an alternative to the nail in the 1930s. When both stumbled upon the idea of a screw on almost the exact same day (accounts vary), Sear chose to orient his screw’s grooves such that turning clockwise tightened the screw. Faust, sure that he had a catchier tagline, went the other direction.

“Hudson may have been one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever laid my eyes on,” said Faust, “but he never had a way with words. ‘Lefty loosey, righty tighty?’ Who’s going to remember that?”

Hudson Sear, who passed away in 1986, could not be reached for comment.

“There were times when I thought I’d give it another try. Sure, the world had already universally accepted “righty tighty,” but it only takes one screw to change everything.” Faust went on to note that he refuses to use Sear’s screws, opting instead to handcraft “lefty inflexy” screws in his garage.

“It’s more of a carport, really,” clarified Faust.

Faust’s lesser-known inventions that never caught on were a toilet that flushes the other way and a gas pedal that decelerates instead of accelerates.

Copyright 2011 The Ass Press.


8 Responses to ““Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty” Archrival Expresses Regret, Disappointment”

  1. T-Mac says:

    Perhaps Faust’s last move should be to make a deal with the devil to trade his soul for universal acceptance of his screw over Sear’s???

  2. Red says:

    Any chance this was inspired by Barney Stinson?

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      “Inspired” is a strong word. Barney reminded me that I wanted to write about the hypothetical Jim Faust.

  3. Jess says:

    First of all: “Hudson Sear, who passed away in 1986, could not be reached for comment” is my favorite.

    Secondly: Faust is actually extremely successful on the other hemisphere, where toilets DO flush the other way….

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Thanks Jess! I have to say that I think my favorite line is the completely irrelevant carport quote.

      And you’re right, Faust is most famous for the Australian Swirl, which, as Trevor can tell you, is also a very interesting sexual position.

      • T-Mac says:

        Indeed! In a land where men are judged as potential sexual partners not by their dashing good looks, but by their ability to wrestle various dangerous animals, Sear, a rather spindly man, couldn’t hold a candle to Faust, who enjoyed a period of success with the women downunder in the early 1940s, during which the Australian Swirl was invented (both the toilet bowl version and the sexual position). I’d describe this in more detail, but you’re not ready for it.

        Also, the carport line is by far my favorite as well. In fact, I think Ass Press entries may be my favorite category overall for the blog.

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Thanks Trev! I’m doing a Survivor’s True Tale of Survival tonight, which is somewhat similar to Ass Press style posts.

Leave a Reply