Pet Peeve #19: The Pants Pouch

The men out there are going to be familiar with today’s pet peeve. Women may not have experienced it, but I bet they’ve seen it.

First, a visual explanation of the pants pouch. No, this isn’t what you think it is. This is an empty pouch of bunched up pants, a phenomenon that occurs when a man sits down. You are not looking at a photo of a Jamey erection (or Jamerection).

 

Add an Image

Exhibit A: Pajama Pants Pouch

What we’re looking at is a classic pants pouch. My pajama pants have bunched up at the crotch for no reason.

Now, this isn’t a problem tonight. I’m sitting at my computer with Biddy. Biddy doesn’t care about pants pouches (or pants, for that matter).

However, if I were at work or on a date with a pants pouch, there is a problem. Because as I mentioned above, a pants pouch can easily be confused with an erection or a bulge of sorts. Ladies, have you made this mistake? Not that I blame you. But let’s clear the air: You do know that there are no man parts in that pouch, right? It’s just a loophole in the physics of pants.

Guys, do you have this issue? Are there pouchless pants? Is there a coy way to depress the pouch without looking like you’re touching yourself?


10 Responses to “Pet Peeve #19: The Pants Pouch”

  1. T-Mac says:

    This is one of the most relatable pet peeves I’ve seen you raise on the JSB. I’ve always wondered if women mistake what you’ve called “the pants pouch” (also known as pseudo-penis, mock cock, nothing mountain, all blueprint no building, fabrication of the fabric, fraudulent flagpole, and General Santa Anna’s failed promise to U.S. President Jackson in 1836) for something it’s not. I’d love to hear some women weigh in on this one.

    As for a covert way to depress the pouch, my answer is no. You just have to exclaim, “Nothing to see here, ladies. That’s just General Santa Anna promising something he can’t deliver” as you blatantly push down the penis pouch.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      This is hilarious. I don’t know how you came up with that list so fast, but it deserved to be shared, so I posted it on Facebook.

      I’d like to hear women weigh in as well. Jess (roommate) weighed in last night, and she said women experience the pants pouch as well.

      • Katie says:

        I’ve never personally experienced the pants pouch phenomenon before, but I’ve seen it on many, many a man. At first I’d be flattered (Damn, I must look good today!), and then disgusted (Why do you have a woody in the middle of our finance meeting?), and then a little embarrassed (It’s all I can look at!)…

        Just kidding. I don’t think I’ve ever thought there was an actual erection in play within the pouch. They usually don’t have a shape that would indicate there was something more happening in there. I’ve always understood it’s one of those things that happens when a guy sits down. It’s a non-issue as far as I’m concerned. Plus, I would MUCH rather see a pants pouch than what happens when a a man sits down and his pants are too tight in the crotch. That is a far worse problem!

        I will admit, however, that every once in a while a pants pouch will make my mind wander a bit, imagining that maybe it’s not just air underneath there…

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Oh good! I’m glad at least that women (or you) know that it’s just an empty pouch, nothing more, nothing less. (Although nothing wrong with your imagination wandering.)

          I feel like I may experience the too-tight-in-the-crotch problem at times. I’ll work on that.

    • EmilyRVA says:

      “Mock cock” made me actually laugh out loud.

  2. Elissa says:

    One lady’s view:

    I don’t notice/care about it so much. Seeing as we’re not in middle school anymore, I usually do not assume that the gentleman sitting near/across from me is poppin’ a stiffy – I am aware of awkward pants bulging, and generally I will give you the benefit of the doubt, or not even notice it, as I’m not usually staring at a gentleman’s crotch during a pleasant outing. I think we may have a case of the Spotlight Effect here (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attribution_(psychology)).

    Trev – your list of euphemisms is unbelievable and downright impressive.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Lady–The spotlight effect makes perfect sense. I tend to assume that people notice when I have a giant pants pouch.

  3. Jill says:

    This made me laugh. Although, I will point out that this phenomenon can happen to the ladies as well (generally to a smaller degree). When we were in high school, my friends and I would refer to it as “having a wenis”…(we were very creative, ha).

  4. […] for the amount of crotch in this video. It ended up being the unintended theme. I also mention the pants pouch blog entry from the […]

Leave a Reply