Texts from My Roommate

I’ve lived with my roommate, Jess, for over two months now. She’s a great roommate, and I’ve discovered that one of her special abilities is that she composes hilarious texts. By that I don’t mean that Jess texts a lot and mixes in some humor. I mean that Jess carefully composes the majority of her texts–which aren’t many–for maximum impact. That impact, about 90% of the time, is pure hilarity.

I’ve picked a few of these texts to share with you here. They’re not really out of context, since most of these simply appeared on my phone out of the blue without any pretext. The only thing that you need to know is that Jess is an actress, and much of her acting right now is for children at St. Louis-area schools.

  • Called a little boy “her” this morning. Kid was SO pretty–I would have made the same mistake ten out of ten times.
  • “Did you guys put plastic on your lips before you kissed?” “Nope.” “EW!!!”
  • (during a first date with some dude): “Can I skip this part? I literally just got a lecture about how bitchy women are to each other.
  • If you’re asking me, I’d love something that ends with “boobaloo.” (okay, that one is out of context, but it’s funnier that way)

And for good measure, my favorite text exchange with Jess (she was out of town for this exchange. If you live in St. Louis, you’ll remember this as the night that a tornado came through the area):

Jess: I may be a TAD hungover tomorrow. Whoops.

Jamey: Awesome :). Tornado here.

Jess: A lot of cats I take it?”

Jamey (too tired and scared of the tornado to explain that there was actually a tornado in the area): Many many cats.

Jess (10 hours later): Also–You meant a LITERAL tornado. I assume you and Biddy are still alive?

On to the Tournament of Cuteness! I think this may be the toughest matchup so far for the entire competition.

 

Freaky

Jamey

Llewyln


13 Responses to “Texts from My Roommate”

  1. Jess says:

    Your roommate sounds sooooo funny and smart and pretty.
    You should give her cookies.

    Also: you and Llewylen just about gave me an aneurism this morning. You both have that orphaned disney character look in your eyes.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Well, yes, Biddy is funny and smart and funny. What are you getting at?

      You totally voted for that puppy, didn’t you?

      • T-Mac says:

        I couldn’t help it! Llewelyn, in my opinion, is one of the two cutest competitors. (The other was Molly, who was knocked out in that first-round scandal. I’m convinced that vote was more rigged than a Nicaraguan election.)

        By the way, I can’t help but think that Freaky looks like a prostitute.

  2. EmilyRVA says:

    I should be offended, but I’m not. Before she was fixed, I think she would have given her left front paw to be a prostitute just so she could get SOME sort of relief. I’ve moved twice since I got her and both times she stayed with my brother for about a week during that process. Both times she was in heat. I swear I didn’t do that on purpose…but I won’t say it wasn’t kind of funny.

  3. Rebecca says:

    Hi. I’m Llewelyn’s owner, and I’m totally a sucker for those eyes. Like Bambi or something. He totally gets extra treats as a result.

  4. Jill says:

    I’m pretty sure I was in the audience when the question from text #2 was posed…it was one of my students. They (the whole class) were pretty perplexed by the kissing. haha

    Also Rebecca..Llewlyn is adorable. Is he a Corgi?

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      That’s adorable! I can’t even remember how I perceived kissing as an elementary school student.

      Llewyln is indeed a Corgi. At least, the last time I saw him he was.

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