Special Announcement: jameystegmaier.com Is Going Public!

I have some big news.

jameystegmaier.com is going public!

That’s right. After years of private investments, several reportedly valued at over $15 million, this blog has filed for an IPO.

With over 1,300 employees worldwide, this was bound to happen at some point. But it wasn’t until the fourth round of investment, including cash infusions from Facebook, Berkeley Hathaway, Diapers.com, and Hats4Cats LTD, that I decided that it was time to sell shares to the general public.

Although some critics are saying, “But you only had 13,225 page views last month” or “You mostly just post photos of your cat,” fortunately they’re in the minority. The buzz on Wall Street is that this is going to be big. We’re talking Booble or Tootle big, or any other way you can mistype Google into your browser.

jameystegmaier.com will be trading on the Sudanese Stock Index as “JAAM.”

What will change about the site? Virtually nothing. You can expect the following minor alterations:

  1. The site will, obviously, be published in Sudanese from now on. It’s just like English, only nonsensical.
  2. Instead of the shining red banner of me looking inspired at the top of the homepage, there will be a picture of me in adult diapers with the Diapers.com logo printed on the butt.
  3. The site will offer limited “freemium” content for all users, and full access for premium members, similar to what the NY Times is doing. Subscriptions will be either $8,000/month or $100,000/year.
  4. Unfortunately, Ben’s title as Tournament of Cuteness winner will be revoked. Majority owner Justin Bieber will supplant him.
  5. When you visit the blog, you’ll be forced to sign in with one of those impossible CAPTCHA words.
  6. Instead of “Liking” the site on Facebook, you’ll now be able to rate each entry on a scale of 1-5 meows, trackable on your Hats4Cats account.

This is truly a thrilling day for me. When I began the blog 4.5 years ago, I never imagined that I would one day have the preeminent website on Jamey Stegmaier. That day has finally come, and I’m excited to share it with the Sudanese public through this IPO.

11 thoughts on “Special Announcement: jameystegmaier.com Is Going Public!”

  1. Awesome! I’m glad to see that Hats4Cats LTD is still alive and haberdashing…haberdasherizing…hat making. I had a sneaking feeling that they wouldn’t make it out of 2008 due to the recession (and the fact that everyone seems to think dogs and babies are cuter than cats…as evidenced by the Tournament of Cuteness).

    Reply
    • I was equally concerned about Hats4Cats, but it really took off during the recession. Apparently there’s a direct correlation between the amount of time people spend with their cats and unemployment rates. Hats4Cats was most recently valued at $1.2 Billion.

      Reply
      • HA! I saw on TV that there really is a company called Kitty Wigs. I’m a big fan of my cat but I draw the line at dressing him up. But someone must be into it because their website also offers a Kitty Wigs book & iPhone app!

        Reply
        • Kitty Wigs?! Amazing. I’m with you–I don’t dress up Biddy. That isn’t to say he wouldn’t be adorable in a hat or wig. But that’s going too far.

          Reply

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