Pet Please #49: Eating Fruit Like an Animal

I’m generally a tidy, meticulous eater. I overuse my napkin. I take forever to finish a plate. I’ve overly conscious about talking with my mouth full or getting food in my teeth. I greatly prefer food I can cut into bite-size pieces instead of messy finger foods since I’m constantly worried that my face is covered in sauce or dressing.

Thus, one of my greatest food pleasures is to let loose when I’m home alone with a piece of fruit over my sink. Specifically, sticky, drippy fruit like pears, peaches, and watermelon.

If paparazzi are ever compelled to photograph me in my apartment, they’re not going to catch me with my pants down. Rather, they’ll capture me tearing into an overripe pear in the kitchen, juice dripping down my arms and chin, a look of pure bliss on my face. (Okay, they’ll probably also catch me with my pants down. I don’t wear pants unless I have to.)

Now if I could only find a way to combine my love for eating fruit like an animal with my other great loves: women, soccer, and tearaway clothing

3 thoughts on “Pet Please #49: Eating Fruit Like an Animal”

  1. I can definitely relate. This is exactly the same reason that I don’t eat chicken wings in public. It gets ugly real quick. Give me a boneless wing that I can cut up any day of the week, unless I’m at home with the shades drawn. Then I shall feast on regular wings until I look like something straight out of one of those predator vs. prey shows on Animal Planet, only with less guttural screaming and growling.

  2. I’m pretty sure that the next ad campaign by the watermelon lobby is a sexy woman blissfully tearing into a slice of watermelon, throwing the rind off to the side, ripping off her tear away pants and then running to join a soccer game. It will promote healthy eating habits amongst 13 year old boys.


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