Many of my friends know that I once had a tiny crush on a very attractive waitress at the Clayton Wasabi sushi restaurant. She hasn’t worked there for a while, so I feel that it’s safe to write this blog entry.
Below you’ll find my detailed plan to ask out the Wasabi Waitress. I’m making this up as I go, but I’m sure something akin to this has existed in the back of my mind for a long time. Each step of this carefully calibrated plan consists of a different visit to Wasabi.
Visit 1: If seated in the hot waitress’s section, leave the restaurant immediately. It’s too soon.
Visit 2: Get a table with another waitress. Avoiding looking at the hot waitress.
Visits 3-5: Cast a wayward glance at the hot waitress.
Visit 6: Order carry-out. Scan the restaurant for the hot waitress while you wait for your food. If you see the hot waitress, immediately look away.
Visit 7: Get seated at the hot waitress’s table, but say nothing to her. Mark the sushi you want with the little golf pencil, nothing more.
Visit 8: Go with a group of friends and be the life of the party. Get hot waitress to notice how your friends hang on your every word.
Visit 9: Cast longing glances at the hot waitress.
Visit 10: Flirt opening with any other waitress. Touch her arm and giggle at everything she says. If the hot waitresses notices, laugh really loud and pretend like you’re having a great time.
Visit 11: Wear a “Hi, my name is…” name tag as if you forgot to take it off from a previous engagement. Make sure the hot waitress sees it.
Visit 12: Write about how to ask out your waitress on your blog after a visit to Wasabi.
Visit 13: Daydream about what you would say if the hot waitress said something to you.
Visit 14: Go for a “big spender” look by wearing a suit jacket with huge shoulder pads. If the hot waitress looks in your direction, pretend to be talking on the phone.
Visit 15. Order 20 sushi rolls and insist that they be delivered at the same time so that the hot waitress will have to help bring the order to the table.
Visit 16: Talk really loudly about your Twitter handle whenever the hot waitress is around. Also mention Missed Connections as much as possible.
Visit 17: Take a date to Wasabi. Spend most of your time looking at the hot waitress (women love this).
Visit 18: Have too much to drink at happy hour. When you get kicked out, insist that you spend the night at the hot waitresses’s house so you don’t have to drive.
Visit 19: Write your name and number on your credit card receipt. Write, “Here’s a tip–call me!”
Visit 20: Look her up on Facebook. You should have done this 15 steps ago. Don’t friend her, but friend all of her friends.
Visit 21: Talk really loudly with your friends about a party you’re going to be at that weekend. Repeatedly say the full address of the party and what you’ll be wearing (“Not a graphic tee, ha ha ha!”)
Visit 22: Go to Wasabi alone and sit at the bar. Ask the sushi chefs about the waitress.
Visit 23: Have a friend ask the waitress if she’s dating anyone. Blush deeply while this happens.
Visit 24: Impress the waitress by picking up all sorts of objects with your chopsticks.
Visit 25: Pay for your meal with a $100 bill, nonchalantly mentioning that you don’t have anything smaller.
Visit 26: Ask the hot waitress what she does on her days off.
Visit 27: Get carry-out the day before her day off. Ask her if she’s like to join you for something she already does on her day off, like taking a walk or going to the gynecologist.
I think that’s pretty much it. This plan works 100% of the time. Am I missing any steps?