Would You Let Her Eat Crackers in Bed?

Is this really the best place for you to eat crackers, ma'am? Really?

I learned a new expression the other day: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.” Apparently this is said when a man encounters a truly incredible woman–he’s saying that she’s so amazing that he’d be okay with her doing just about anything.

But eating crackers in bed? That’s where I draw the line.

There are a number of perfectly acceptable places in my condo to eat crackers. The kitchen is a great place to start. I can also offer the living room, either balcony, or even the bathroom if that fits your fancy! But in bed? I really don’t want to deal with all those crumbs while I sleep.

I figure this: If a woman has made her way into my bed (to discuss politics, read the Bible, or confirm that my thread counts are sufficient for optimal sleeping habits), there are excellent odds that she’ll be just as willing to eat her crackers elsewhere in the condo. I’m not at risk of losing an amazing woman if I suggest she eat her crackers elsewhere.

Of course, I’d inquire about the reasons why she wants to eat crackers in bed. Perhaps some of her fondest childhood memories involved her father reading Goodnight, Moon to her in bed while she munched on Wheat Thins. Or maybe in college she had a myriad of late-night philosophical discussions with her suitemates while eating Cheez-Its.

I consider myself a progressive man of the 21st century. If eating crackers in bed is truly important to a woman, then I have to respect that. But I would request that she choose smaller, bite-size crackers to limit the possibility of crumbs. Saltines and original Ritz crackers are too big, but the bite-sized versions are acceptable. Cheez-Its are fine (although they might leave an orange powder on the sheets), as are Wheat Thins. See? I’m flexible.

Do you eat crackers in bed?