Would You Let Her Eat Crackers in Bed?

Is this really the best place for you to eat crackers, ma'am? Really?

I learned a new expression the other day: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.” Apparently this is said when a man encounters a truly incredible woman–he’s saying that she’s so amazing that he’d be okay with her doing just about anything.

But eating crackers in bed? That’s where I draw the line.

There are a number of perfectly acceptable places in my condo to eat crackers. The kitchen is a great place to start. I can also offer the living room, either balcony, or even the bathroom if that fits your fancy! But in bed? I really don’t want to deal with all those crumbs while I sleep.

I figure this: If a woman has made her way into my bed (to discuss politics, read the Bible, or confirm that my thread counts are sufficient for optimal sleeping habits), there are excellent odds that she’ll be just as willing to eat her crackers elsewhere in the condo. I’m not at risk of losing an amazing woman if I suggest she eat her crackers elsewhere.

Of course, I’d inquire about the reasons why she wants to eat crackers in bed. Perhaps some of her fondest childhood memories involved her father reading Goodnight, Moon to her in bed while she munched on Wheat Thins. Or maybe in college she had a myriad of late-night philosophical discussions with her suitemates while eating Cheez-Its.

I consider myself a progressive man of the 21st century. If eating crackers in bed is truly important to a woman, then I have to respect that. But I would request that she choose smaller, bite-size crackers to limit the possibility of crumbs. Saltines and original Ritz crackers are too big, but the bite-sized versions are acceptable. Cheez-Its are fine (although they might leave an orange powder on the sheets), as are Wheat Thins. See? I’m flexible.

Do you eat crackers in bed?


10 Responses to “Would You Let Her Eat Crackers in Bed?”

  1. Georgia says:

    Back in the day, I ate not crackers but popcorn on my bed. Key word, “on”. I always made sure the comforter was on, and usually this took place while talking on the phone. (Bear in mind I was 15.) After hours of lying on my bed, talking on the phone and eating popcorn, I would eventually get up to throw my bag away. Looking back at my bed, the result of eating my favorite snack food looked like a “police outline” made out of popcorn. However, due to having the comforter as a barrier it made it much easier to clean up.

    If I were to eat crackers in bed, (instead of popcorn) it would only be because I’m sick and eating them with soup. Also, the crackers would have to be the Gorgonzola Cheese crackers from Trader Joe’s 🙂 …like you the bite size thing makes sense. Less cracker to crumble ratio.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Georgia–Your post makes me want to eat popcorn (but not in bed!) I’ll also have to try these Gorgonzola Cheese crackers you speak of.

  2. Phuong says:

    The only time I ate snack foods in bed were when I lived in the dorms. When I wanted to watch my favorite program on my 13 inch TV alone, there wasn’t another place than my bed. I’m a neat eater.

    How do you feel about breakfast in bed? If you encountered an incredible woman, would you ever make her breakfast in bed? I mean, there are so many more dangerous components at stake here- orange juice or coffee spilling, a buttered English muffin accidentally plopping on the bed! Oh the humanity!!!

    I had a sweet moment with someone during the winter dating season and we were sitting in bed talking about how we forgot to eat our dessert. So I asked for dessert (a cupcake) in bed. He brought it to me on a plate with 2 forks and we shared it in bed. It was nice, but I never stopped to think how he felt about the consumption of baked goods on his sleeping surfaces! It would have been totally embarrassing if he said no. Not to mention mood killer.

    • ms says:

      I agree with Phuong — it is about the mood, not a habit. I believe that is the meaning behind the phrase.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Good point about breakfast in bed–I think that’s a little different (depending on the food, of course). It’s a nice gesture, and a smaller risk for crumbs.

      (Also, I should note that this entire entry was somewhat tongue in cheek!)

      • Katie says:

        I’d test someone by eating pancakes and syrup during breakfast in bed so the sheets would be nice and sticky, and then I would break out the crackers. Is there a better test for true love than that?

    • Red says:

      “Winter dating season” made me chuckle.

  3. Electrichead says:

    When you have met that incredible woman that you love dearly, and are married, and are expecting your first child, and the only thing she can eat is crackers because you got her pregnant and its now making her nauseous, you better damn well understand you will be letting her eat crackers in bed.

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