You Got Raptured!

“You Got Raptured!” should totally be the name for a new game show.

If you’re reading this, you didn’t get raptured on Saturday. If you’re anything like me, you were sitting around with friends at a BBQ, enjoying the breeze and the chirping of crickets and frogs (or whatever chirps here in St. Louis. Mosquitos? Clydesdales?), not waiting to get beamed up to heaven.

But perhaps you were talking about the rapture. Or the absurdity that most Americans knew about a random prophecy by some crazy dude. Why is that guy’s prophecy any more newsworthy than prophecies from street drunks and your crazy uncle?

It sure made for good conversation. And so I ask you this: Say that you found yourself being raptured on Saturday. You’re on your way to heaven or whatever glittery afterlife you believe in, but you look to your left and realize that your significant other isn’t with you. He/she didn’t make the cut.

So you’re given a choice: You can continue with your rapture, or you can go back down to your loved one’s side and endure hell on earth with him/her (I think that’s what happens after the rapture. Hell comes to earth in the form of earthquakes and spider monkeys and demon beasts). What do you choose?

6 Responses to “You Got Raptured!”

  1. Ariel says:

    get raptured anyway and leave your loved one behind because
    a) believers “lose friends and you lose family members in the process.” (NY Times quote from May 20th)
    b) you will find a more attractive significant other waiting for you in heaven
    c) g-d has finally proven that he/she loves you more than your significant other

  2. Red says:

    I’m 29, and my father still thinks that when he gets to the pearly gates, that St. Peter’s going to open his big book, lower his finger in judgmend and doom, “Harold, I see that from a young age you’ve given to the poor, helped your fellow man, and overall been a super guy! HOWEVER, you are a failure of a father, because your adult sons do not regularly attend mass. Thus you will be removed from view of paradise to endure an eternity of fire and brimstone. Try to keep the wailing and gnashing of teeth to a minimum if you would.” So I try to instill in my father the understanding that after a certain point (the state says it’s ~18 years) you are the only one responsible for you. I think that applies here too. I done what I done to get where I got. I would hope that in our time together my significant other has performed just as admirably as I, and would be rewarded similarly.

    If my “afterlife” is reincarnation, and the world has become hell, I wonder what I come back as?

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Well, in this scenario, you’d come back as yourself. But if you’d prefer to come back as someone or something else, I’m sure that could be arranged.

  3. @JMJKDulce says:

    This is a hard question, and I really don’t know how to vote. I don’t want it held against me later 😉 . First instinct is leave my loved one behind, then I think about Ralph from The Simpsons go “HAH HAH”. However, God is about love, and if the love between my significant other and me is pure, I don’t see God separating us. A sincere Act of Contrition from the other before the beam reaches him would save him anyway.

    Aren’t those pictures hilarious?

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I love the pictures. I found a top-20 rapture pictures list and picked my favorite. There were some pretty dirty ones on the list, actually.

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