Management Tactic #58: A Modest Proposal

I have a proposal for maximizing efficiency and productivity. I would suggest that all workplaces enact this policy, effective immediately.

The average American worker spends 27 minutes in the bathroom a day (Stegmaier 2011). Not only are workers moving bowels and excreting liquids, they are washing hands, examining blemishes in the mirror, and adjusting their hair so it looks like they didn’t just adjust it. Some even choose to spray air cleansers immediately preceding their exit, which serves to make the bathroom smell like freshly shampooed poop.

I don’t know about you, but I find that the primary time that my coworkers page my desk phone is when I’m in the bathroom. My bathroom is attached to my office, so I can hear my coworkers calling, and yet I cannot answer. Sometimes I’m so desperate to answer that I text the coworker in question from the commode: “In the bathroom! Indian food LOL :P.”

(Sidenote: Should punctuation follow emoticons? It seems that emoticons effectively end the sentence. Perhaps someday all punctuation will be replaced with emoticons.)

Thus I propose the following:

Henceforth, all employees will be required to wear adult diapers while at work.

Think of the hike in productivity! Rather than waste time walking to the bathroom every hour, workers can simply to their business at their desk while doing business. Instead of missing valuable time at meetings by taking bathroom breaks, employees can break the seal right there at the conference table. Companies could spend their discretionary funds on executive bonuses instead of the endless sinkhole that is toilet paper (I mean, what’s the ROI on toilet paper? I don’t see “clean butts” on the Fortune 500 criteria).

The advantages are endless.

I’ll run this by my coworkers tomorrow. I’m sure the response will be overwhelmingly positive.