Contrivance #1: Pre-Sex Presenting

This is a first in a new series on this blog that I’m calling Contrivances. It will consist of tropes and cliches that occur in movies, books, songs, etc that don’t make sense because they never, ever happen in real life. Feel free to submit any that you notice to me at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com.

The other day I was watching a fair disappointing R-rated comedy called Hall Pass. In one scene in the last third of the movie, a beautiful, naturally tan woman asks Owen Wilson if he wants to sleep with her. As seen above, she presents herself to him by slipping off her shirt while standing about five feet away from him so he can admire her assets from afar.

We’ve seen this dozens of times in movies: women presenting themselves to men before sex. It always involves the woman standing a safe distance from the man, undoing her shirt from a single clasp and letting it fall to the floor (that’s how shirts work in the movies), and standing their proudly, as if to say, “And now I present to you…my breasts!”

We’re so used to this scene by now that we don’t even stop to think that it never happens in real life. Man or woman, doesn’t matter. When you’re about to climb into bed with someone (to snuggle or exchange butterfly kisses, of course), you don’t stand five feet away from the person, get naked, and pose for a while. Can you imagine what women would do if I posed like that, as if to say, “What do you think of this?”

I challenge you this weekend to go home to your wives, husbands, doormen, neighbors–whoever is available–to take off your clothes in a single gesture and pose there for a minute. Don’t say anything. Just stare defiantly and jut out your chest. Report back to me on Monday.

 

 

 

 

 

 


7 Responses to “Contrivance #1: Pre-Sex Presenting”

  1. ms says:

    hum, no comments? I can only imagine your readers are all standing naked in their bedrooms waiting to make their reports on Monday. Good thing it is not too cold outside or inside. hum hum no more comments from me – I think that is best.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I agree that it is for the best that my MOTHER does not comment on this post. 🙂 In fact, please erase this one from your memory if possible.

  2. Brad says:

    Running in public. Not for exercise. Usually to tell someone you love them. I am 30 years old and have never seen someone run while wearing anything other than running clothes.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Brad–Good call. That cliche is completely overused in movies–the whole chase at the end sequence? When does life present us with such contrived deadlines? Just let her get on the plane, you know? You can call her when she lands.

  3. as says:

    I did my homework and tried this on 2 victims, both male. I did the scene, took off the clothes, stood about 5 feet away, presented myself and did the whole stare down thing. On Friday evening, I got a very confused and wide-eyed response followed by “um…yeah okay just get into bed, you’re creeping me out more than usual.” On Saturday evening my second friend asked if I had been drinking. I shook my head and continued the stare down and presenting. I was almost about ready to go into naked lunges since I’ve heard they can be used for comical effect, but my friend finally got up from the couch to pick me up. He accused me of practicing my possessed woman/zombie look and I just let it go and we continued our evening. Works good in movies, but not so much in real life I guess.

  4. as says:

    I really hope other people did, I don’t want to look like the only idiot.

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