Contrivance #2: Clearing a Desk for Sex

I promise that not all of these contrivances will be sexual. But this one is worth mentioning.

In movies and TV shows, people are constantly swiping everything off their desk to clear a path for sex. Doesn’t matter what’s on the desk–computer, coffee mugs, pencil holders, important documents–everything Β ends up on the floor.

It’s meant to convey a moment of passion, but it always makes me cringe. I always think, “That’s going to be annoying to clean up later.”

Think about your desk at work. Think how devastating it would be if I walked into your office, pushed all the things off your desk, and tried to have sex with you. Perhaps you’re not as particular as me, but your desk probably has some sort of organizational system, and I just ruined it. Even people with messy desks tend to have a feel for where everything is. Now everything’s on the floor.

So my question to you is: Have you ever actually done this? I think it’s a contrivance that only happens in the movies, but maybe I’m wrong.


12 Responses to “Contrivance #2: Clearing a Desk for Sex”

  1. Phuong says:

    “Oh my goodness! I had the most devastating day!!! Jamey Stegmaier walked right into my office, pushed everything off my desk and tried to have sex with me!!”

    If everything was pushed off my desk, with the exception of my laptop, in the name of passionate sex, I definitely wouldn’t mind. It’s those moments of urgency and unbridled passion that are the crescendos of one’s sex life. Years from now, I doubt that you would remember having to spend time reorganizing your papers over the hot sex you had.

    Your blog entry just gave me ideas on what to do with my 2 empty bedrooms. I will make one my real office and the other one my fake office. The fake office will have a desk with unimportant papers, pen holders and other desky-trinkets on it so when that day comes, that day when someone wants to wipe my desk off for sex, I’ll be ready! πŸ˜€

    • Lorena says:

      I wholeheartedly concur with Phuong!

      Jamey, if you were look back in 2 years at said desk sex and be more fixated on the reorganizing you had to do versus the hot office sex itself (pencil skirts and button downs in my imagination), then I think we’ve solved all concerns and wonderings over your singleness.


      Honestly though, I’m not sure how people don’t have computer monitors on their desks. How is it a realistic desk if there’s no computer monitor or laptop or something of 21st century reality? And who has these big desks anyway? Or offices that lock? Or blinds so the buildings across the street can’t look in? I guess my position doesn’t allow for such desk clearing sex.

      Back to the drawing board…

      • Jamey Stegmaier says:

        Lorena–I certainly am fond of pencil skirts. Point well made. πŸ™‚

        (Although, seriously, if someone knocked my monitor off my desk when they could have just moved it, I would not be happy.)

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Phuong–That idea about your extra bedrooms and the “fake office” is absolutely brilliant. I might do the same with my second bedroom.

  2. Brad says:

    Two people who wake up at the same time and find out they had sex with each other (usually a friends significant other or the type of platonic best friend that only exists on tv) followed by each person looking surprised and being all “What?!?! How’d this happen! Wow! We were really drunk!”

    Can anyone give me an instance of this actually happening? If there’s someone in your bed you’re not used to, you’re going to wake up a couple of times throughout the night, not when the sun comes up and certainly not when both of you are fully clothed (if you were so drunk as to not know who you were sleeping with).

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Brad–That’s awesome; well said. I can picture that exact scenario happening in many movies. You really would think that you’d wake up sometime during the night, not at the exact same time.

      I’ve actually had the opposite happen. A woman was sleeping over and, unbeknownst to me, she slipped out in the middle of the night because I was “snoring” (I blame the cat). I woke up a few hours later to find myself in an empty bed. My reaction was utter confusion; I could have sworn that there had been a woman in my bed. Was it a dream? Was I still sleeping? I hadn’t drunk a sip of alcohol, but I was so disoriented.

  3. Chelly says:

    I’m on the fence about this one. On the one hand, I like to have things organized. I don’t want anything on my floor; especially important documents or electronics! However, in the heat of the moment I could potentially care less about my desk and more about what’s about to happen on top of it. Maybe as a happy medium, only clear off half of the desk and lean back onto it or perhaps bend over it.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Chelly–I like the types of posts you choose to chime in on. πŸ™‚

      I think the solution of leaning or sitting on the desk is perfect. But pushing everything onto the floor? That’s going to be a huge distraction for me.

      • Chelly says:

        Anything sex-related sparks my interest and then I feel compelled to share my thoughts πŸ™‚

        Having stuff on the floor would be distracting, which is why I’d prefer to just slide some things out of the way, push everything to one side of the desk. It’s not as dramatic as sweeping your arm across the table and having everything crash to the floor, but I think the thought behind “I want you right now; ON my desk” is still there and it’s less messy. Win/Win in my book.

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Well, by all means, share away! πŸ™‚ I wonder how many other sex-related entries I have. Perhaps a search on my blog for “sex” will reveal some good ones…

          Okay, I can get behind the thought of “I want you right now, on my desk.” My desk is pretty wobbly thought, and the bed is 8 feet away, so I can see this scenario more likely happening in the kitchen on my marble countertop, which I’d have no problem Windexing later.

          • Katy says:

            Ok, so I realize I’m more than a little late to this particular conversation, and while I fully support the idea of “I want you right now, on my desk,” I’d have to say the counter sounds like a better solution.

            Not that I really care about anything on my desk being pushed to the floor (my laptop is never actually on the desk and a little cleanup of the stuff like mail and pens would be worth it for that kind of passion), but the counter just sounds a little more spontaneous and more stable.

            The only issue with the counter is unless it’s a lower counter (not bar height) it might be a little awkward for certain angles/positions… And on that one I may be speaking from personal experience. πŸ˜‰

            • Jamey Stegmaier says:

              Good point about the counter, Katy. We at jameystegmaier.com appreciate the suggestive imagery you present. I must admit that the standard kitchen counter is probably a few inches too high for me.

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