Questions I’m Considering for an Updated “Perfect Woman” Survey

Now that nearly 400 women have taken my old perfect woman survey and given me some great feedback along the way, I think it’s time I update it. The previous survey was 25 questions; I’d like this one to be closer to 10.

The key difference, though, is that I’d like this to be a dealbreaker survey. As in, without question, a woman would have to get all of the questions “correct” for us to work. For example, I would greatly prefer for a woman to be shorter than me. But is that a dealbreaker? Absolutely not. I could have a very healthy, loving relationship with a woman who is taller than me. So that’s not a dealbreaker question.

On the other hand, if a woman is a smoker, that’s a dealbreaker. No way. Not going to happen.

So here are some questions I’m thinking about using for the survey. I definitely need to pare them down to the true dealbreakers. Do you have any thoughts or feedback about them? I’m truly wide open to suggestions here (although in the end I’ll decide my own dealbreakers, thank you very much!)

Oh, and keep in mind that some of these might be “tests” for personality traits. Like the last one about holding the door open–the heart of that is is that I’m looking for someone who is actively kind to and aware of people around them. It just helps people answer surveys if the questions are situational.

  • Do you read any blogs daily, listen to NPR or the news, or read any informational magazines that make you think and want to share thoughts/ideas?
  • Are you happy?
  • Do you have a creative passion?
  • Are you not spontaneous?
  • Are you looking for your boyfriend to be your running partner?
  • Do you read books for pleasure?
  • Are you flirtatious?
  • Do you have kids?
  • You ask great questions (and have been told that).
  • Are you okay with cats?
  • Do you wear lipstick, foundation, coverup, or heavy eye makeup?
  • Do you smoke?
  • Do you lead a healthy lifestyle (physically)?
  • If we’re having a serious discussion and I say that I need some time to process my thoughts, will you give me that time even if it means waiting until the next day to hear my thoughts?
  • Grammar question
  • Are you kind, good, and aware of those around you?
  • Do you have irreconcilable rules about who you can or cannot date based on race or religion? (i.e., “I would not consider dating someone in X religion without knowing anything else about that person.”)
  • Is your home really messy?
  • Do you really love going to crowded events?
  • If you wrote a screenplay about your life, would it be a comedy, a drama, a tragedy, or a musical?
  • Do you often hold the door open for the person behind you?

16 Responses to “Questions I’m Considering for an Updated “Perfect Woman” Survey”

  1. The makeup question seems odd to me. Unless your allergic to cosmetics (in which case you would want a question to address her willingness to accommodate your allergies–fair enough, especially since you may be unable to accommodate a cat allergy), then the question is about a certain look you like in a woman. That’s better determined by a photo than the tools that she uses to create that look. You can tell by looking if a woman has heavy eye makeup, but not always foundation, etc. Plus, that’s just not something I would choose to share with a stranger.

    Is this question phrased the way you would want? “Are you not spontaneous?” With the odd negative in there, I don’t know what you’re asking.

    “If we’re having a serious discussion and I say that I need some time to process my thoughts, will you give me that time even if it means waiting until the next day to hear my thoughts?” This seems to me a question that everyone would answer “yes” to, with the best intentions, but could still fail at in practice. So, perhaps, you’re more looking for someone who is willing to discussion meta questions like this about a relationship and to take actions based on that discussion.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Joy–Thanks for your thoughts. I can see what you’re saying about makeup. Heavy makeup is a huge turnoff for me, so I thought it might be worth including a qeustion about it.

      I agree that I should rephrase several questions to omit the negative.

      As for the last one, that’s a good point. Although there was a similar in the previous version of the survey, and plenty of women felt free to answer “no.”

  2. Red says:

    Some of these are questions that someone probably cannot answer effectively about themselves (I.E. You ask great questions, and have been told that.; Are you good, kind and aware of those around you?; Is your home really messy?) They may give you very good information, but they are difficult to self-assess. Part of me thinks that for all the effort you are putting into this, you may want more of a 360 approach to some of the woman’s characheristics.

    Other things I noticed:
    -“Grammer question” is, itself, poor grammar. It is also not a question.
    – I’m presuming that having kids is a deal breaker, as is her not being OK with cats. These two questions together, made me chuckle.
    – I like the screenplay about your life question.
    – Something you may want to know, “Do you have any dating deal breakers.” I would think that you are probably looking for someone who has a clear idea of what they are looking for (if not as clear as your idea), and thus NOT having any deal breakers, would be a deal breaker.

    • Sarah says:

      The former teacher in me really likes Red’s idea of making it a 360 evaluation. Maybe it should be a two-part survey with a portion of it completed by the lady, and the other portion filled out by someone who knows her. (…this would also help you figure out whether she has any literate friends. Bonus!)

      Many of your bloggy thoughts directly or indirectly touch on how much you like having time in your own head to be creative. I wonder if you might want to add a question something like “How will you give me space?”

      • Jamey Stegmaier says:

        Sarah–Intriguing idea, getting the friends to answer a survey too. Although I feel like that’s on the precipice of me being way too self-centered: The dating world doesn’t revolve around me! 🙂

        I like your space question, and it leads me to think that I might really like having one or two free-write sections in the survey. The answers could be fascinating and enlightening.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Red–A fair point that some of these might be difficult for people to answer about themselves. Many things I think I have to experience in person. So perhaps I’ll omit those subject questions from the final survey and just focus on the more objective ones.

  3. Emma says:

    I might argue that anyone even attempting to make it through the questionnaire would say “Yes” to “Are you happy?” on principle. I think the idea behind it is valid, but the question itself probably won’t actually do much weeding out. What if you asked, “When do you feel joyful?” so as to elicit responses that educate you more. If they can blurt out 5 things that make them joyful and those 5 things resonate with you (i.e. playing with kittens and string), you have a much better sense of their happiness than “yes”. Just an idea!

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Emma–I like your approach of making the happiness question open ended–the joy question is great. I think I’m trying to find someone who smiles at the tough things in life and then faces those things. In some respects, I’m trying to weed out people who complain and whine all the time and don’t realize it, which is tough. But the open-ended approach could help the truth come out.

  4. Karen says:

    This is obviously only my opinion and I don’t know just how much time you spend on these sorts of things, but I agree with Red’s observation, “…that for all the effort you are putting into this…” For all the effort you put in, what do you hope to gain from this? Is it just a fun exercise to see if Ms. Right pops up? Do you have the intent to have at least 1-3 dates with anyone who scores high enough? Is it the best use of your time spent searching for her? Seems like a little less time thinking about survey questions to post to your blog to find her and a little more time out there looking could help. Just a thought, not meant to be negative.

    I also agree with Joy’s comment that many women will likely answer questions with their best self in mind, and that isn’t always the same person who shows up at a door in front of someone or who is deciding if she wants to talk about a relationship issue late into the night. So I think a series of questions will always leave room for lots of “error.”

    Do you think you do all of these things or possess all of these characteristics you seek in a woman? I’ve realized in the past the things I wanted from a man were really things I wanted within myself. It’s always much easier to project onto others than realize the internal dilemmas, and I still find myself working on certain things sometimes.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Karen–thanks for your comment. I think the intent behind this survey is that I’ve learned over the past year that a lot of the little things that I think I want in a woman don’t matter all that much, while some of the big things matter a LOT. So I thought I’d created a new survey to make sense of that change of heart.

      Interesting theory about projection…I’ll take a look at the list to see if I don’t fit any of them. The only one that I think could be in doubt is, “Are you kind, good, and aware of those around you?” I certainly want to be those things, and I try, but I’m sure I can do better.

      • Karen says:

        I just flipped back up to the questions to try to read them through your eyes, given the smidgen I know about you, and I had this thought. I think you want to date yourself.

  5. Jamey Stegmaier says:

    As a special bonus to those of you who offered me feedback on the survey, here is the new and improved Dealbreaker Survey!

    It’ll debut on Sunday night to the rest of the world.

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