The Costanza Wallet Solution

I have a friend–we’ll call him “Mark” to give away his real name–who used to have a Costanza wallet. That is, a wallet so full of coupons, receipts, cards, and cash, that you’ll get scoliosis for sitting on it for too long. If you’re not familiar with the original Costanza wallet, watch the clip here.

I do not have a Costanza wallet. However, I do carry something in my pocket of enough girth that I can’t keep it in my back pocket lest one of my cheeks look significantly perkier than the other.

Thus I carry my wallet in my front pocket, where it is just as bulky, but it doesn’t get in the way of walking or sitting down. It’s about an inch thick on a good day. So I’ve taken to leave it in the car while I’m at work, only realizing later that I need it.

Recently I decided to find a solution for my semi-Costanza. I heard about a company called Saddleback Leather, so I checked out their website this past weekend.

For literally an hour I flipped back and forth between two wallets: one that is similar to a traditional wallet, and one that is significantly different. It only has one pocket. No zippers, no flaps. Just a single pocket that retains its contents by the physics of friction.

After the lengthy deliberation, I decided to take the plunge. I mean, the worst that could happen would be that I wouldn’t like the wallet and would switch back to my old one (comments contest: Who can name an even worse scenario that could arise?)

So I took the plunge. You can see in the photo how thin the wallet is compared to my old one–and it has four cards that were in my old wallet. Tomorrow will be my first day with such a thin package in my pants. I can’t wait.


13 Responses to “The Costanza Wallet Solution”

  1. Emma says:

    Props to Saddleback, I really like this company! They are charitable/community-minded and just have genuine customer service and transparency. Plus, quality products and good feedback from customers. Good luck with the transition.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Yeah, the owner says that he’s passionate about quality and leather, but his true passion is charity (he mentions a specific charity on the site).

      So far the transition has gone well. I’m 4 hours in and I still haven’t lost my wallet. Although it is odd to not be able to feel my wallet in my pocket.

  2. Red says:

    In order to assess the worst thing that could happen, please list for me the 4 cards you do have in the new slim wallet.

  3. Josh says:

    The worst thing that could happen would be having to switch back to your old wallet?

    Hardly.

    Worst case scenario: the husband of the cow used to make the leather in your new wallet decides to hunt you down. He does this with the help of a few of his nothing-else-to-live-for wallet leather widowed friends: an alligator and an eel. They use a combination of their cunning detective skills, persuasive sexuality, and Google to find your home address. Then the fun begins.

    They find you at home, asleep, inebriated from two Bud Selects. Biddy lays beside you, drunk on cat nip. The cow strikes first, tearing a gaping wound in your side with his horns. You wake, screaming in pain. Biddy tries to come to your rescue but then decides, eh screw it, and goes back to sleep. The alligator steps up next, latching onto your arm and death rolling until it pops free from your shoulder like well done drumstick. You fall to the floor, bleeding, pleading for mercy.

    But there is no mercy. Not this night.

    The eel springs to action, smearing you with mucus and electrocuting you until you’re nothing but a smoldering husk of Stegmaier. Wait, did I mention it was an electric eel? Oh yeah, it’s an electric eel. Of course it’s an electric eel.

    Then as you lay on the floor of your apartment in agony, the cow, alligator, and eel steal the wallet they had come to avenge. Once home, they use your credit cards to sign up for a bunch of porn sites while using your email address as their log in, dooming you to a spam filled life, or what’s left of it at least…

    But of course, that’s the worst case scenario.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Josh–That seriously made my day. Awesome. I greatly look forward to my encounter with the cow, alligator, and electric eel tonight. It may not be persuasively sexual, as you suggest, but it will be a night to remember.

    • Lorena says:

      “But there is no mercy. Not this night.”

      Too bad I read this right after my man broke his phone and drove his car partially into the curb…. otherwise I would NOT have had to stifle my laughter and cause my cheek to get bitten in the process of trying not to laugh.

      Oh Josh, you slay me.

  4. as says:

    Eh, not really a fan of men with thin packages, the bigger and bulkier the better 😉 The old one is good, more pockets keep things organized.

  5. Aaron says:

    Didn’t know you were a front pocket wallet guy. (There aren’t many of us, you know.) I guess we do have something in common, other than our civil war re-enacting weekends together.

    Just in case this one doesn’t work out, Fossil makes a wonderful front pocket wallet. It still has multiple pockets and holds all your valuables, but it rides shotgun like a dream.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Aaron–I didn’t realize we were such a select club! Is there a secret handshake I should know about?

      So far the wallet has been incredible. I really can’t feel it at all. I think that will actually end up being the only problem–I’m somewhat concerned I’ll accidentally throw it away while tossing receipts or pocket lint.

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