Contrivance #4: Before the Plane Departs

Warning: I’m going to stomp on sacred ground in a few paragraphs. That’s right. I’m going to badmouth Friends.

But before I get there, let’s talk about Garden State and She’s Out of My League and any movie where the protagonist makes a last-second dash to the airport to tell the girl he loves her.

First, cell phones? Sure, it’s better to do it face-to-face, but why are you so important that you’re going to stop everything that’s going on in her life just to tell you about a feeling that is probably lust, not love? Just call her and save everyone a lot of time and trouble, including everyone else on the plane. I want to see a movie about all the people that impulsive lovers inconvenience.

Second, just wait until she gets off the plane and work out a way to see her! Are plane rides in movies significantly longer than in real life? Just take a nap and when you wake up, she’ll be back on the ground.

Third, you look like a douche when you invalidate her plane ticket. Don’t make some big show to make her get off the plane. Sure, it makes for a romantic kiss. But you just cost her hundreds of dollars, because now she has to buy another ticket? At the very best, she wastes a perfectly good ticket that she could reschedule if you had the balls to tell her your feelings two hours ago.

Now, Friends. Specifically, the Friends finale.

Disclaimer: I was rooting for Rachel and Joey. Now that would have been a finale.

My heart swelled like everyone else’s when (spoiler alert!) Rachel didn’t get on the plane to Paris and instead returned to be with Ross. Yay! But do you know how much a flight to Paris costs? And it’s friggin’ Paris–couldn’t she have called Ross before getting on the plane, gone to Paris…in fact, he could have even joined her in Paris a day later.

My point is, this never happens in real life. I think movies and television perpetuate the belief that love has to be impulsive and crazy. Can’t love be powerful and passionate…and logical? Can’t we still make the correct decision to get on the plane or not stop the plane AND be in love at the same time? Or does this approach doom me to a life of cats and family meals at Popeyes for one?


13 Responses to “Contrivance #4: Before the Plane Departs”

  1. Laura Grainger says:

    I stopped reading right after your warning. 🙂

  2. Brad says:

    How about looking at yourself in the mirror after you’ve done something bad? I’ve done plenty of horrible things, but never have I looked in the mirror afterwards and wondered silently “Who am I?”

  3. Brad says:

    Not sure this counts as a contrivance because I’ve only seen it once, but do you remember when Zack convinced Jessie to make out with him so he could see if he liked her? What a move. There’s no possible way that would work in real life. At least it hasn’t for me.

    • Sarah says:

      Poor Jessie Spano. I’m sure it was the trauma of that makeout that drove her toward caffeine pill freakouts and starring in that pole dancing movie later. 😉

      But in all honesty, isn’t one of the (usually unspoken) motives behind a makeout to see if you like him or her “that way” ? Zack just had the mojo to come straight out and admit it.

      …and, um, now I’ll go back to denying all knowledge of Saved by the Bell.

  4. Brad says:

    Sarah –

    Jessie’s caffeine pill freakout occurred during Zack’s straight up and back days, which was sophmore year. The hookup occurred during his more conventional sweep to the left with massive amounts of peroxide, which was junior year. Therefore, Jessie’s addiction cannot be blamed on Zack’s casanova ways.

    Furthermore, Jessie suffered several traumas that were more likely to put her on the pole than hooking up with Zack, namely having her step brother record her calling Slater her “curly Conan” and having her father marry an “aerobics bimbo”.

    Also, she dropped out of high school half way through her senior year (most likely because she did not get into Stansbury). Her lack of a high school diploma is the most likely reason she tried to make it as a dancer. This also explains her complete absence from college and her mysterious ability to make it to Zack and Kelly’s wedding in Las Vegas on such short notice.

  5. Lorena says:

    “I want to see a movie about all the people that impulsive lovers inconvenience.”

    Deal. You gonna help finance it? 😉

  6. Lorena says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I haven’t seen the Friends finale yet! (breathes) Don’t worry, I stopped reading after you said “Now Friends, specifically the Friends’ finale”

    Still though, I’ll never know your full point in this entry!

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