Your Temporal Cloak

On Friday, I read about a fascinating discovery by some British quantum physicists. Apparently they’ve discovered a temporal cloak, a way to mask a singular event in time.

The science is beyond me, but from what I can gather, it involves speeding up the front of light waves and slowing down the back. So the light exists, but it cannot be observed. (Thus this officially answers the question, “If a tree falls in the forest but no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” The answer is yes. Even if it can’t be observed, it makes a sound.)

Of course, this cloak can only be used to mask an event of 110 nanoseconds or less, and only in the confines of an optical fiber. But what if it could mask a bigger, longer event? What if you could use it for yourself, to do something that would take place outside of the realm of every reality except your own?

Here’s what I would do:

The best exhibit at the St. Louis Public Zoo is the penguins and puffins. They’re cute and adorable and playful and dignified, and you can get really close to them.

But you can’t reach out and touch them.

I really want to reach out and touch them.

Specifically, I want to hold a penguin in my arms. A large penguin. They look like they’re a good weight for holding, like a heavy cat. I just have a feeling that it would be very satisfying to hold a penguin for a minute.

I know, it’s weird. I’m okay with that. But that’s why I want to use the temporal cloak to mask my penguin make-a-wish from the rest of the world. Only the penguin and I will know, and who is he going to tell?

What would you do with your temporal cloak?

10 thoughts on “Your Temporal Cloak”

  1. You should just know that this is $50 and worth it (I’ve done it):

    Penguin Encounter
    Experience Penguin & Puffin Coast from a zookeeper’s point of view. During this one-hour tour, you will see the kitchen/food prep area, keeper office, ozone tower/water treatment room, and have an “up close and personal” visit with two Magellanic penguins!

    Minimum of four guests on the weekend. (Less than four guests are allowed; however, full payment is required.)
    Fee: $50 per person

    https://www.stlzoo.org/yourvisit/behindthescenestours/touropportunities.htm

    Reply
  2. What?! That sounds amazing! What does “up close and personal” mean?! Does it mean that I get to hug a penguin?

    This is a dream come true. And a lot easier than trying to obtain a temporal cloak.

    Reply
    • We basically sat on the ground and they waddled around and we could pet them. But maybe for an extra fee, there could be hugging!

      But I also fully support your efforts to obtain a cloak.

      Reply
      • I appreciate your support. 🙂

        Were the penguins friendly? Or were they mostly off doing their own thing (writing dissertations, Skyping with friends in the south, debating whether or not the toilet paper should go against the wall or away from it, etc)?

        Reply
        • There was a little bit of Skyping and texting (rude) but they were interested in interacting with us. They also made hilarious noises. (Look at my video on Facebook, it’s just the very end of our visit with my cheesy commentary.)

          Reply
          • Oh I do remember that video! I didn’t know that it was something that anyone could do. Okay, I’m definitely doing this when I get back from Ireland.

            Reply
  3. I would lay on Vince Wilfork’s belly. For the uninitiated, Vince is a defensive tackle for the New England Patriots who has a stomach that looks like the world’s most comfortable pillow. It’s not the biggest stomach I’ve ever seen – that’s not the point. It has this perfect round shape that looks like it’s just firm enough to support your head during a good nap. I’m guessing Vince would say no if I asked him, so I would need the temporal cloak to get away with it.

    Reply

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