The Great Mullet of 2011

Confession: I had a rat tail when I was a kid.

The year was 1988. I was in second grade central Virginia; needless to say, I wasn’t the only kid with a rat tail. But there was something special about having that stringy patch of hair snaking down my back.

I think it was about 5 inches long when my parents cut it off. I didn’t put up much of a fight–I knew the time had come.

But now it’s time to get that rat tail back. The adult version, that is.

That’s right: I’m growing a mullet.

Some backstory: This past weekend I spent quite a bit of time conceptualizing the latest iteration of my annual Festivus party. I’ve hosted the part for 7 years now, and I wanted to add a twist to the 8th year.

So I came up with A Classy/Trashy Festivus. Here’s how I explain the three ways to dress in the Evite:

Classy: Dress in your finest evening wear. Tuxes, ties, suits, elegant dresses, perhaps even that bridesmaids dress you’ve only worn once. The twist is that once you get to the party, a trashy drink (a huge beer) will be affixed to your hand with duct tape ala Edward 40-hands.

Trashy: Dress in your trashiest outfit. Ragged jeans, 10-year-old t-shirts, miniskirts, those tube tops that you continually have to adjust–anything that shows a little too much skin. To balance it out, you’ll have an assortment of top-shelf spirits and mixed drinks from which to choose.

Half and Half: The most challenging option is to come dressed half classy, half trashy. You can do a true half and half–top classy, bottom trashy (or vice versa)–or you can employ a classic hybrid option like a tuxedo tee, yoga pants, or an inappropriately revealing dress. The half and half crowd will have their choice of classy and trashy beverages.

Half and Half is the most challenging, so as the host, I feel obligated to dress that way. Right now I’m playing around with the idea of a combination of jean shorts, a dress shirt and tie on top…

…and a mullet. Business in the front, party in the back.

Now, the difficulty is that I only have a month to grow the mullet. My hair is already quite long, but not nearly long enough in the back. I like to keep this (gestures towards body) all natural, so I don’t want to get a wig. So basically, I’m just going to let it grow and see what happens. And I figure that I can mimic the top half of the mullet by following the leads of my good friends Christiano Ronaldo and Andre Agassi the day of the party.

Yes, I’ll post photos when the time comes.

11 Jamey Points for the best childhood hair style noted in the comments.


9 Responses to “The Great Mullet of 2011”

  1. Laura Grainger says:

    I’ve already shared with you my thoughts on your mullet. If I have to pick from the two pictures you posted I’m going to go with Ronaldo. 🙂

    In middle school I used to put a massive amount of hairspray on my bangs to make them stay up. So much so, that if you pushed my bangs down they would go right back in place. No, I cannot provide you with pictures. I’ve insisted they all be destroyed. Although, knowing my dad, he’s probably got at least one hidden.

  2. Red says:

    I have a two-word style in mind for the Classy/Trashy party, which I’ll unveil along with my grievances at (on?) Festivus.

    As for hair-dos, and don’ts, the majority of my high school career, I sported the Butt Cut: a center part, with varying amounts of undercut in the back. The fluffy drapes of thick red hair, had just the right wave to cover the eyebrows, not not the eyes. And when I pulled the bangs all the way down they would touch my lower lip.

    When I finally decided to be rid of these bangs just in time for Senior Pictures, I thought I’d cut ’em a little shorter, and brush them back, into a hair-don’t that some classmates called the Exotic-bird look.

    BTW y’all, I’m a dude.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I’m looking forward to the unveiling!

      Ah, the classic Butt Cut. I could see you pulling that off. You have a month!

  3. Neha says:

    One word: crimper. I had this hot pink hair crimper and thought I looked like hot shit with crimped hair. Wondering what that looks like?
    https://hairstylegallery.info/slides/Fergie%20crimped-hair.html

    I looked even worse than Fergie does. On a separate note, I had a high school friend visit over the weekend and she brought some old photos of us and I just have to say, God bless whoever invented the flat iron. It’s an innovation that does not get enough credit for the impact it has had (at least in my life).

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Wow, worse than Fergie in that photo? That’s quite impressive.

      Info on the guy who invented the flat iron: “Famously known for the Marcel Wave, Marcel Grateau invented the heated tongs which would curl and wave hair, also known as the curling iron. In 1872 Marcel used heated metal rods to straighten the hair, and thus the Straightener was born.”

  4. […] fathom that a sprinkle of water could be better than sitting in a pool of water), and I nurtured a rat tail as if it were […]

  5. […] Saturday, I held my eighth annual Festivus party, this one with a trashy/classy theme. Although my mullet never really filled in to the point of being recognizable, I dressed half and half for the […]

  6. Orianna says:

    Nice! Since I have curly hair, or blown dry straight, I change color lately more so than style. But, some notable styles from earlier years include:
    Pixie (pat benetar), Bob (a la Phoebe Cates) and ultra 90’s curl (Shirley Temple hasn’t got a thing on that one).

    =D

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