Mindy Kaling’s 13 Rules for Guys

If you’ve seen The Office, you know Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor. Kaling recently wrote a delightful book called,Ā “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and Other Concerns),” and in it she outlines 13 specific things that all guys should do. Her rules are in bold; my responses follow each one. How many do women agree with? How many do guys adhere to?

  1. Buy a well-fitting peacoat from J.Crew (and get it cleaned once a year). I have a very well-fitting peacoat that I bought in Oxford. I clean it once every two years.
  2. Have a signature drink. Does Bud Select count? (seriously)
  3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight-leg jeans. I literally just bought bootcut jeans. I don’t like them bunching around the tops of my shoes. Damn.
  4. Wait until all women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off. Definitely. That’s standard Southern hospitality.
  5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it and make it about her (i.e., “You look so sexy in those boots,” not “Those boots are really cool.”) I like this a lot. Although I’ve learned that you should actually choose the delivery based on your relationship (or lack thereof) with the woman.
  6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in a kitchen or at a party–just start helping. There are two types of people in the world at any given time (it changes): People who want to help and people who don’t want to help but want to seem helpful. Don’t ask. Just help.
  7. Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore. I’ve been fostering Old Spice Pure Sport as my “scent” for years!
  8. Your girlfriend’s sibling or parents might be totally nuts, but always defend them. Definitely.
  9. Keihl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair. I had to look these up to make sure they weren’t a brand of washer fluid and some sort of bee excrement. I go for Aveno for the skin and American Crew for my hair. Both are a third of the price of Keihl’s and Bumble and Bumble, so they’ll have to do.
  10. Guys only need two pairs of shoes: a nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. I had to look up “Chuck Taylor” on Zappos. They’re Converse. And really? Low-rise New Balance won’t do?
  11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything. Tough for me to think of because gifts are so low among my love languages, but I like the sentiment. I like the idea of being the “chocolate guy.”
  12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you’re not strictly a jealous guy. I’ve heard this before, and I get it, but it’s not easy to do. I’m not a jealous guy. I can pretend if it’s important, though.
  13. Don’t shave your chest hair. This really seems to depend on the girl, but in my later years, I’ve noticed more and more women wanting the hair. So I keep the hair. Trim other places, obviously. No one’s stopping me from keeping my nipple hair under control.
So how did I score? Counting halfsies, we’re looking at 7.5 out of 13. That’s too bad. But Kaling has a boyfriend and lives in LA and is considerably cooler than me, so I will use her advice to become more manly by 42%.