Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 1-10

Here we are, the day of days. It all comes down to this. Thousands of behavioral psychologists have spent the last 72 hours poring over millions of grievances to determine the Top 10 based on humor, truthiness, and topicality, and in the end, my friend Neeraja had the dubious distinction of ranking them.

Drumroll please… (I think I might make that a grievance next year. Saying that in a group creates the uncomfortable scenario where someone feels obligated to make the drumroll sound, and it’s usually the overenthusiastic guy who sings “good morning” instead of just saying it, and then the thing that follows the drumroll is never that great…anyway…)

10. I hate hundreds of things a week but can never come up with a good grievance.

9. Toilet seats that are up! (Followed by: When I accidentally pee all over the toilet seat because someone left the seat down. [Followed by: Why not leave it like you found it!])

8. When people speed up when I’m trying to pass them. And when people still pass me even though I speed up.

7. Kids are too fat these days. (Followed by: Can I demand the right to deny candy to chubby kids on Halloween? [Followed by: Kids in general.])

6. People who take the elevator up or down one floor.

5. I don’t piss all over the men’s room floor. You don’t piss all over the men’s room floor. So who the hell is pissing all over the men’s room floor?

4. Animal husbandry. I just don’t think that animals make good husbands.

3. That your first IM name never goes away. Thanks for a lifetime of clarifications, Cutebuns09.

2. No man has ever carried a banana in his pocket. Stop asking coy questions.

1. That “tapas” sounds all too much like “topless.” My mom is convinced that I regularly eat garlic bread, goat cheese, and marinara sauce in front of exotic dancers.

Happy Festivus, everyone. Back to regular programming next week.

13 Responses to “Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 1-10”

  1. Lorena says:

    7. Kids are too fat these days. (Followed by: Can I demand the right to deny candy to chubby kids on Halloween? [Followed by: Kids in general.])

    Did you call Bob for this one? It sounds like something he would say.

    Also…LavaLamp49 FOREVAH!!!

    And, to play off the elevator one, at my work I’m on the 2nd floor, but there are no stairs except the emergency exit stairs which sound an alarm if you open the door and are only accessible from the inside… meaning, they lead outside, but that door has no external handle. So I have to take the elevator every day. It bothers me every day.

  2. Jasmin says:

    I wish I didn’t know about #9. I totally agree with #6 and #7. People need to walk more and eat less candy, especially the health care professionals. And #27 the one about Q-tip is so true.

    Great grievances this year. 🙂

  3. Emily says:

    The #1 grievance is awesome.
    On first dates the topic of food/restaurants usually comes up, and I share the fact that I love tapas restaurants. To which guys almost always reply with a sleazy look on their face, “Whoa, I thought you said topless restaurants!” *wink wink nudge nudge* Which then leads them to try and hide the “banana in their pocket.”

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I eagerly await the day when tapas restaurants outnumber topless bars so that so that such mixups no longer happen. Instead, your dates will say to you, “I love topless restaurants,” and you’ll say, “Whoa, I thought you said tapas restaurants!”

  4. Bob says:

    In defiance to #2, I most certainly did carry a banana in my pocket on occasions when I wished to surreptitiously extend my all-you-can-eat Center Court meal into my dorm room. Sadly, no woman asked me about it. Probably didn’t notice any difference.

  5. Anne Riley says:

    As someone who has lived in Spain, I am all too familiar with the “tapas bar” grievance.

  6. Brad says:

    To clarify, I thought grievances had to be with specific people. Frank Costanza spoke directly to the people who had wronged him, saying “I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you’re gonna hear about it.”

    We should follow Frank’s example.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Brad–True, I changed my Festivus grievances from the Constanza system because his seems crass and hurtful, while I consider grievances an outlet for mirth.

  7. Brad says:

    Stegmaier!!!! You couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe…I lost my train of thought.

  8. Red says:

    If there was only a classy way to pull off Topless Tapas, we’d make millions!

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