Week of Worst First Dates: Day 1

As a special Christmas gift to you, dear reader, I have decided to share with you this week the stories of the 4 worst first dates I’ve been on since signing up for online dating.

4 out of 50 first dates from online dating really isn’t a bad number at all. And as you’ll see, none of these were really all that terrible. In my mind they’re comically bad, but they’re nothing like bad first dates in the movies.

Also, before I begin, I should note that it’s my personal policy to not blog about specific people I date without their permission. I’m violating that policy to tell these stories, and in the off chance that any of these women read this blog…well, don’t ever do these things to any other guy.

I’ll start with a short one.

Every once in a while, a woman from outside of St. Louis will contact me via Match or OkCupid. This always bewilders me, because surely there are plenty of good men in every city. Even if the woman seems cool, I tell her up front that I’m not interested in long-distance. (Ironically, two of the worst date stories involve women from outside of St. Louis.)

I made an exception to my long-distance rule with this woman–we’ll call her Angie–because she was seriously thinking about moving back to St. Louis, her hometown. She was fun and flirty, and she looked really cute in her photos.

Rather, she looked really cute in the 4 photos of her posted online. It’s one thing to only have 4 photos on your online dating profile, but Angie had friended me on Facebook, and guess what? She only had the same 4 photos there too. This was a red flag because any normal 20-something person in 2011 has at least 50 photos on Facebook (if they’re on Facebook).

You can see where this is going.

I can’t remember why, but for our first date, we decided to meet up at my place, have a drink, and then maybe go out afterwards. So imagine my surprise when she showed up at my condo…and literally looked nothing like her photos.

Anyone who has played the online dating game has had this happen. In fact, I’ve had it happen a number of times the other way–when the woman looks much better in person than in photos. But never like this.

I think the kicker was that she didn’t even try. I think she was wearing a baggy microfleece shirt and sweatpants. Not the cute look-at-my-butt sweatpants. We’re talking sittin’-around-eatin’-Doritos sweatpants.

The rest of the date was a regular bad date, nothing particularly special. She talked a lot about how great she was, and eventually I suggested a movie so I didn’t have to listen to her anymore. Perhaps that’s why I wasn’t a fan of Love and Other Drugs…until now I just thought it was poorly written.

Lesson #1: Put photos that look like you on your online dating profile. Sure, you may have been hotter 4 years ago, but the guy you’re going out with is dating present-day you. Don’t mislead him–just be yourself. And if you’re ashamed about the way you currently look, do something about it.

Lesson #2: Put a little effort into your first date outfit. Not a lot, but just enough to show that you care.

Lesson #3: If you spend most of your time talking about how you’re hot shit, make sure you’re actually hot shit. (Sorry for the cursing, but I think that’s the most succinct way of saying that.)