Week of Worst First Dates: Day 3

We’ve come to the blind date. The one, the only, blind date.

A female friend asked me early last year if she could set me up on a blind date. She had a friend who wanted to set up her friend on a blind date, so there were two degrees of separation between me and the date (this is relevant because this date would not have happened if my friend knew anything about the date).

I had never been on a blind date, so I figured I’d give it a try, with the contingency that the girl (we’ll call her Melinda) go into it blind as well so we could share that experience. Those terms were offered and agreed upon. Melinda and I had no contact before the date–it was simply communicated that we’d grab drinks and leave it at that.

Melinda showed up a few minutes late, but I soon forgot about that because she was cute in a hipster kind of way. We ordered drinks. It was all downhill from there.

It was almost as if we were there for two completely different reasons (which I later learned was true). I was on a first date. She seemed to be in a business meeting that required her to talk to me about a very eclectic hobby of hers.

So I listened to Melinda talk for a while and then watched her order dinner 20 minutes into our drink date. I didn’t stop her–how could I?

Conversation opened up a little bit, but mostly she seemed interested in talking about her hobby. She also revealed that she had read my blog despite our arrangement to go into the date blind. Again, I didn’t say anything and tried not to get hung up on it–after all, did it really matter?

The kicker came at the end of the date when I walked her to her car. I noticed a child’s safety seat in the back. Melinda hadn’t mentioned having a child, so I asked her if she did in a halfway joking way–I figured there was no way she had a kid, as that’s the kind of thing you bring up (at least in passing) on a date.

Indeed, she replied that she had a kid. In fact, she had very recently given birth to that kid–he was just a few months old. And as I later learned, she had gotten back together with the father of the child just a few days before our blind date, so she decided to treat the date as a business meeting instead of a date (but obviously didn’t inform me of the change).

So many things wrong here…let’s see:

Lesson #7: Don’t be late for a first date. Or any date.

Lesson #8: I’m not a fan of drink dates turning into dinner dates, especially if only one person orders dinner. Just get drinks and don’t assume the other person is having a good enough time to extend the date. If he/she wants to see you again, he/she will ask you out on a second date.

Lesson #9: If you get back together with an ex or start dating someone else before the date, cancel the date.

Lesson #10: If you have a child, don’t let the other person discover you have a child on their own. Just tell them.


23 Responses to “Week of Worst First Dates: Day 3”

  1. T-Mac says:

    This date just makes me angry! At least bad dates #1 & #2 were actually trying–they just weren’t good matches for you. Date #3 was just taking advantage of you. If you tell me her name (off the blog), I’ll find her and punch her in the kidneys for 30 minutes as practice for the cast of Gossip Girl (https://jameystegmaier.com/2011/11/contrivance-9-walking-away-in-the-middle-of-the-conversation/)

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Trev–I appreciate the sentiment. Indeed, I did feel a bit used. I can’t remember her name, but I think she works (or worked) at an Italian restaurant on Grand.

      • T-Mac says:

        I see two Italian restaurants on South Grand. Immediately following this post I’m headed there to punch every woman who works in both restaurants in the kidneys. Will this involve many, many unnecessary kidney punches to unsuspecting women? Yes. Will it get the job done? Also yes.

        • T-Mac says:

          Oh that wasn’t pretty. I know you don’t usually date women over 60, but I spared no one because you weren’t that specific in the post.

          • Jamey Stegmaier says:

            I’m glad I didn’t step in to stop the violence from happening. A good use of your afternoon! I did say she had recently given birth to a child, which 60-year-olds rarely do, but it was an efficient use of time.

            • Lorena says:

              Rarely do, but not never. Plus “cute, hipster” could extend to any age! I support T-Mac on this, despite not supporting violence.

  2. Mena says:

    What’s with the morning blog post? Are you changing your schedule?

    Question: If you are so intentionally single, why do you go on so many dates? Why not just be single and love it?

    Also, I want to know what this hobby was… sounds like an integral part of the story. Was it a dirty hobby? Is that why you left out the details? OR is she the only person in St. Louis who engages in this hobby so we’d all know who she is if you told? Hmmm. Curious.

    How late did she show up? Are we talking 5 min or 15?

    Last question: Considering your reaction to the child seat, are you opposed to dating a woman who has a child, or are you indifferent?

    I totally agree that the kid should have come up sooner and she should have cancelled upon getting back with the baby-daddy.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Mena–Lots of questions! I’ll do my best to answer them.

      1. Morning post: This week my schedule is a little different, but I’ll be back to normal next week.

      2. Intentionally single: You might be referring to some old blog entries (two years ago) when I was actually intentionally single. Since joining online dating sites two summers ago, I’ve been intentionally dating. I am perfectly happy single, but I don’t want to completely give up the idea of meeting my match.

      3. Nothing all that mysterious about the hobby, really. It’s just tough to describe. She publishes underground magazines. She had a specific term for them that she assumed I knew–she talked as if everyone knew about this tiny slice of subculture–but I can’t remember the term.

      4. About 10 minutes. Although I’m really not a fan of lateness on first dates at all, I don’t hold a grudge about it. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a very small factor.

      5. In this case, I’m specifically opposed to someone withholding that type of info from me. In general, though, yes, I’m not interested in dating someone with kids. It’s not a judgment about them at all. I’m just not even sure that I want kids, so why would I willingly enter a relationship where there’s a kid already involved? It’s a package deal when you date a woman with a kid, and although I have the utmost respect for single moms, at this point in my life I know for sure that I can’t date that particular package deal.

      • T-Mac says:

        I know you meant “zine” as described below, but it sure would have been great if she’d written for “Spelunker” magazine, The Mining Journal, or “Caves, Caves, Caves!”

  3. Mena says:

    Back in the day, we used to call those “zines.” I sure hipsters have come up with a cooler name by now.

    I think 10 min is pushing it. If I were 10 min late to a first date, I’d send a courtesy text because that is a borderline you-got-stood-up kind of delay.

    So, you think she withheld the information on purpose? Maybe she just didn’t think it was worth mentioning because she had already checked out of the date. I’ve thought about whether I’d be ok with dating someone who had a kid. I don’t think it could possibly end well. It is automatically more complicated. I was actually surprised by the number of single dads on OKCupid though, especially in our age range.

    Intentionally dating, eh? What does that mean? That doesn’t sound equivalent to intentionally seeking a partner. Are you avoiding dating anyone who actually has potential?

    Lots of questions… I’m writing my dissertation and this is a good way to procrastinate.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Yes, this was a hipster term she used. I’m sure the term is out of style by now and has been replaced by the German word for squirrel.

      A courtesy text can soften the blow of lateness by 90%. Good call.

      That’s a fair point–since she considered it a business meeting and not a date, perhaps she didn’t think she needed to mention the kid. However, she must have known that I thought it was a date, right?

      If you haven’t dated someone with a kid, I’d recommend doing so. You’ll know afterwards if you’re up for it.

      Intentional dating is me, a happily single person, being open to the idea of meeting someone special. Basically, I’m trying to put myself out there even though I’m perfectly fine with being single. So I’m intentionally choosing to date (not necessarily date around–since I’ve started intentionally dating, there have been a few women that I’ve seen for 8-10 dates each).

      I’m guessing your dissertation isn’t about dating? 🙂

  4. Brad says:

    In college, I had a date suggest we meet for coffee. At the place her ex worked. When he was working.

    I didn’t find out until after the date, so I can’t confirm this, but I am apparently much bigger than him, which was why she wanted to meet where he worked. I felt like a sitcom character. I’m really not even that big. What did she expect? Was I supposed to beat him up? Why would I do that?

    Needless to say, there was no second date. The next time I talked to this girl was when she called me to see if my roommate was single.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Brad–It’s almost nice when women play games like that on the first date. That way you find out right away instead of two months later.

  5. Brad says:

    True. While candor is usually appreciated, there have been times I would have appreciated a little lying. For instance…

    The second date I went on with a certain young lady (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) was to see Ocean’s Twelve. As we got to the counter, I asked for two tickets. She interrupted me, saying it would just be one. She would pay for her own, explaining “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” She then paid the snickering kid behind the counter and I proceeded to suffer through the longest two hours of my life.

    Yes, I went ahead and watched the movie. I am not a man.

    • Lorena says:

      Well, if you wanted to see the movie, then the insta-non-date scenario wasn’t a big deal. If you were only seeing the movie because she suggested it, I’m not sure that makes you not man…perhaps a muppet of a man?

  6. Jasmin says:

    Please tell me you didn’t pay for dinner and the drink. The amount of miscommunication before the date was overwhelming. Bad blind date setters. I wonder if Melinda told one of the blind date setters that it was going to be business meeting because of her situation. Or the blind date setters misinformed each other. Oh, bad juju. No blind dates for anyone. Bad idea.

  7. Jasmin says:

    Please tell me you didn’t pay for dinner and the drink. The amount of miscommunication before the date was overwhelming. Bad blind date setters. I wonder if Melinda told one of the blind date setters that it was going to be business meeting because of her situation. Or the blind date setters misinformed each other. Oh, bad juju. No blind dates for anyone. Blind dates = Bad idea.

  8. Brad says:

    I wanted to see the movie, but one of my greatest regrets in life is not just leaving the theater right then and there. I could’ve seen the movie later.
    There was a silver lining, though, because the second time I was dumped during a date, I was ready. (I’m really not that bad. Well, maybe I am. I might be a little boring. I don’t know.)

    As for dinner…yep, I paid.

  9. […] don’t go into details about dates on this blog. Except for the really, really, really, really bad ones (yes, those are four different links). And even those I wait for months to share. […]

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