Confession #18: The 11 Horcruxes of Jamey Stegmaier

My horcruxes are a little different than Voldemort's.

In the Harry Potter mythos, Voldemort broke his own soul into 7 different pieces and ensnared them in various objects that were dear to his heart so that he could live forever. Put all the horcruxes together and you complete Voldemort. Destroy them and you destroy Voldemort forever.

In a similar vein, I’ve decided that I have 11 horcruxes. Many of them are actions, not objects, but all of them are dear to me. If you embody all of these elements, you have direct access to my heart and soul.

  1. Your Grandmother: If you adore your grandmother (and/or grandfather), I will adore you.
  2. Chocolate: If you give me chocolate, I will adore you.
  3. Laughter: Find the fun in things and laugh even when the joke’s not all that funny–there’s a certain vulnerability about making a joke, and I like to surround myself with people who encourage that type of vulnerability. Laugh the hardest at things that are truly funny, of course, but if you easily laugh at things, I will adore you.
  4. Biddy: Be sweet to my cat and I will adore you.
  5. Awareness: I am drawn to people who are aware of the people around them. Some people march through life as if they’re the only person alive. Others hold the door open for the person behind them, help people reach top-shelf cereals in the grocery store, and adjust their position to allow a new person into a group at a party. Be aware of the people around you and I will adore you.
  6. {this one is censored because it involves a certain bedroom activity}
  7. The Blog/Writing: I want you to have your own hobbies and passions, but if you take the time to read my work too, I will adore you.
  8. Slurpees: Surprise me with a Coke Slurpee every now and then and I will adore you.
  9. Personal Space: Give me personal space without me having to ask for it and I will adore you.
  10. Acts of Service: Do something to save me time and I will adore you.
  11. Your Thoughts: I’m mildly interested in what you’ve been doing and what’s happened to you. What really interests me is what you’ve been thinking. Some people do and others think. If you’re the thinking type of person, I will adore you.

What are some of your horcruxes?

55 thoughts on “Confession #18: The 11 Horcruxes of Jamey Stegmaier”

      • Well that makes sense 🙂 I think we all have things we shouldn’t share with our moms. I forgot to add my horocrux before, and it’s someone who actually likes to work and not complain about it. Also, must be romantic.

        • Kate–I like that those two a lot. So does that mean you’re more attracted to people in the working world than people who are in graduate or medical school?

          • I’d be attracted to guys in graduate or medical school as well as just in the working world. Honestly the amount of time someone who is in post-graduate studies pretty much qualifies as work to me, and I like someone who is focused enough to put in the extra effort to find a career that will be satisfying.

            • That’s a good point–grad or med school certainly is just as much work as having a job.

              I have found that there is a different type of mentality and maturity that comes with being in the working world. That isn’t to say that I wouldn’t date a woman in grad or med school (I have, and they’ve been great), but I think you enter a different stage of life when you’re no longer going to class with the same people every day and when the work you produce means something more than a grade. It’s certainly not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s an observation I’ve had.

              • I agree completely. I guess the main thing is having the work ethic, my last relationship was mostly a struggle as he had no idea what he wanted in life, and in my opinion, no desire to work. At some point, we all need to realize that it’s time to grow up and put on our “big boy/big girl” pants and make something of life.

  1. I love a good Harry Potter reference.
    I’d like to add affection to the list. Kissing/cuddling/long embraces
    Since #6 is censored, I wasn’t sure if these things were included or not. Affection is probably my #1

    • Chelly–Affection is a good one. My top love language acts of service, but physical touch (both in terms of affection and flirtation) is my number 2.

  2. 1. You must not show your feet.

    2. You must be certain your death would not cause any change in the rotation
    of the earth.

    3. Look at me when I talk to you.

    1. You must not show your feet.

    4. You must know that Zack Morris’ girlfriend we never saw was named _____.
    (Come on, Katie. I’m counting on you.)

    5. Believe that college sports are inferior to professional sports.

    6. Drive well.

    7. Be good at board games.

    8. Know the rules of card games. (Spoons, Slap, Spades, etc.)

    9. Write grammatically correct text messages.

    1. You must not show your feet.

    10. Know the difference between arguments that can and cannot be settled.

    11. Do not watch procedurals.

    1. You must not show your feet.

    • Great list! Although I’m worried that you’re going to make women even more self-conscious about their feet. I never really notice feet.

      #3 is a good one. That’s an instant turn-off for me, when a woman (or anyone) is looking around the room when she talks or I’m talking. I like #9 too.

    • What’s with the extreme hatred of showing feet? Some feet
      aren’t that bad. I will say 3,6, and 9 are now being added to my list though.

    • I think #4 is a trick question. Zack Morris was a P-I-M-P, but I can’t recall a single girlfriend we didn’t see, if only for a single episode, after which they magically disappeared. Hot Sundae, Johnny Dakota, Artie the Lizard–I know quite a bit of crazy SBTB trivia, but I think you’re making this one up. Prove it, otherwise my feet are coming out. I’ll find a way.

  3. The “no feet” rule is absurd. If you’re in a normal healthy relationship chances are there will be times when both parties will be barefoot, and bare in general lol

  4. Make me laugh–genuinely, honestly laugh, not a polite giggle or an obligatory chuckle.

    Be able to laugh at yourself. Don’t take it all so seriously!

    Ask me questions. Then ask follow-up questions to show that you are listening and you are interested in what I have to say.

    Tell me I have a great smile.

    Have an open mind to the world around you. You may not always agree with someone, but at least try to see where they are coming from.

    Be nice to service people, like waiters and waitresses.

    Offer to get me Advil or rub my neck when I have a headache.

    Call or text me every now and then just to say “Hi, I’m thinking about you.”

    Read. Something, anything, more than just the news or a silly magazine. Read something enriching.

    Understand that I CANNOT fall asleep if you are touching me. Stay on your side of the bed. Spooning is great, but not when it’s time to go to sleep. Then it’s just annoying.

    Don’t put me on hold to take another call or answer your phone if we’re spending time together. There are a few exceptions to this rule, of course, but it comes down to realizing that it’s ok to be unavailable every now and then. Just enjoy the moment you’re in.

  5. People, this is absurd. I’m seriously beginning to doubt my e-lationships. However, since I am trying to grow as a person, I will address your objections in the order they were posted. Here goes…

    Stegmaier – That is a picture of Gillian Anderson, not Agent Dana Scully. Just look at the link. It says “Gillian Anderson”. They are not the same person. Gillian Anderson is British actress who looks like Linda Cohn. Agent Dana Scully is a medical doctor who can sprint full speed in high heels and match wits with shadowy cabals. You are as likely to see Gillian Anderson do that as you are to see Mario Lopez win a wrestling match.

    Kate – A procedural? A PROCEDURAL!?!?!? No, Kate. The X-Files is not a procedural. It’s a serial about Mulder’s quest to expose an extraterrestrial conspiracy to colonize the human race using a virus spread by bees before The Syndicate is able take over the government using special FEMA powers or the alien rebellion destroys the world while trying to defeat the colonizers. Or something like that. He also wants to find his sister. Half-sister, as it turns out, because the Cigarette Smoking Man (who killed JFK and Dr. King) had an affair with his mother. Does that sound like a procedural to you? Procedural, pfft.

    Katie – Zack Morris’ off-screen girlfriend was Gretchen. I’ll give you a pass, though, as her most prominent mention was during a Tori episode (the one where Zack is stuck in detention). Keep your shoes on. On an unrelated note, I do sympathize with you about having people touch you while you sleep. NOBODY

    Chelly – It is not absurd, it’s a matter of self-preservation. I live in the South, where people find it perfectly acceptable to not only bare their feet, but to prop up said feet, allowing their hideous aroma to permeate my personal space. Trust me, never enter the South in July. It’s like a giant Phish concert down here.

  6. I was not done. Not sure why it submitted my comment without my approval. Continuing…

    Katie – NOBODY is allowed in my bed. It is off limits. I must be able to sleep spread eagle. I also sleepwalk and have nightmares about being killed at least once a night. It’s not safe to be near me.

  7. Point of order! (I’m yelling this in my head as I wave a copy of “Roberts Rules of Order” violently through the air like a 10th grader at a debate tournament. Yes, I’ve done that before.) Somehow along the way this comment string was derailed from horcruxes to what a person would need to do to be adored by certain other blog commenters. Not to pick on Brad (who’s proven himself to be tough, at least in my head, by almost being imprisoned for some mysterious thing…so I know he can take being my example), but how could one put a part of ones soul into “you must not show your feet”? Horcuxes, people. Hor-crux-es.

    My soul, by the way, is going 100 percent into pizza. No dividing or equivocating. It’s given me so much over the years that I figure I owe it my soul. The end of pizza will be the end of me.

    • Trev–Thank you for calling order. And your pizza horcrux is awesome. I’d ask you, this, though: Say you had to split your horcrux among 8 slides of pizza, slices that can come from any type, brand, or restaurant. How would you divide your horcrux pizza?

      • I thought about the fact that I should bisect my soul into slices and allocate each to a different beloved pizza joint, but I’m afraid the research involved in making a truly informed decision would lead me down a dark and gluttonous road. Choosing the 8 greatest pizzas from the 8 greatest establishments of all time is a monumental decision, not something you take lightly like picking a college or naming a child.

        • LOL excellent comparisons, Trev. You’re right that this is not a decision to be made lightly. Perhaps this could be a future blog entry. I foresee a pretty awesome infographic breaking down the pizza slice by slice.

    • HAHAHAHA! Thank you for keeping things on track, Mr. Secretary! When redirected, I’m pretty sure my soul would be divided amongst the following:

      My two favorite books, or perhaps my Kindle.

      Open Office, my MS Word substitute on my laptop

      Locker #563

      Harvey’s Casino in Lake Tahoe

      A margarita

      A pint of Starbucks Java Chip ice cream

      And a piece of my soul will remain where it already is: inside cutie pie extraordinaire, Miss Charlotte.

      • What’s in locker #563? Oh, the mystery!!

        I’ve been making my way through a quart (yeah, I don’t mess around with pints) of Eddy’s Java chip ice cream, and it’s solid, but it just makes me want the Starbucks version. Good call by you.

        Also, your last point brings up a Harry Potter query: Why on earth didn’t Voldemort have kids? If anyone should have kids for the sake of legacy and living forever, it would be Voldemort. Perhaps that’ll be the root of a new set of Harry Potter books someday. Voldemort was secretly banging Muggles all over the place.

  8. Love your list, Jamey. Mine would be similar, except #4 would be my husband since I don’t have a Biddy, #6 would involve my husband but I also won’t go into specifics, and I’d replace #8 with Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra.

    You had me at “awareness.” My pet peeves tend to be actions that reveal a lack thereof, such as: 1) when I say hello or smile at someone and that person ignores me, 2) when someone nearly runs me down in the street and after slamming the brakes fails to acknowledge me, or 3) when people walk three abreast in a crowded hall or stairway and not one of them shifts to let me pass. I fear that it hints at deeper selfishness, which disappoints me – even in people I don’t know.

    • Cara–I wouldn’t quite equate Biddy to my “husband,” per se…after all, he is a cat. But I appreciate you humanizing him.

      That’s really well said–those examples hint at a “deeper selfishness” (and self-centeredness). My hope is that by applauding those who are aware of the world around them, some people who are less aware will step up their game.

    • Cara, I have a similar pet peeve against people who walk mutiple people wide across a defined space when I’m coming the other direction. (It gets me pig-biting mad [to quote Ed Anger] just thinking about it!) I’ve always been of the belief that hallways, sidewalks, etc were invisibly divided in two, with one half belonging to people walking one direction and the other half belong to people walking the opposite direction. A person can concede a little bit of his/her half to accommodate a second person coming the opposite direction as long as it doesn’t impede the person who is the rightful half owner (if that makes sense), but as soon as the rightful half owner would be forced to move off the sidewalk, squeeze through the hallway, etc, the obligation falls to the party on the other side to make accommodations and fall in line, rather than continuing to walk side-by-side. Sometimes I try to get my internal nerve up to not move out of the way for people who are obviously breaking this common courtesy.

      • T-mac, I had to laugh because I thought I was the only person tempted to play “chicken” with those wide swaths of people and see if they dare plow into me. Not sure I want to risk it, because one time after a driver almost ran me down in the crosswalk, I yelled that time-honored line, “Hey, I’m walkin’ here!” and he yelled “F— you!” Really? He almost killed me and he’s not only not sorry, but he’s ticked at me? So I’m thinking if play “chicken with one of those three-abreast walkers, they might take me down to Chinatown.

        • You’re a much calmer person than I, Cara. I worry that my penchant for amplified retribution is going to get me in trouble one of these days. If you ever see a headline that reads something like, “St. Louis Man Imprisoned for Breaking Three Kneecaps,” and the “victim” interviews are bewildered side-by-siders who claim to have been walking along the sidewalk when they felt violent, unforgiving kneecap blows from a lead pipe as the “assailant” repeatedly screamed, “Respect the rules of the sidewalk!”…you’ll know I’ve succumbed to my inner rage.

  9. Kate–I laughed when I read that Voldemort’s g-string must be a snakeskin print. That’s brilliant. 7 Jamey Points.

    Jamey Points can be redeemed for whatever the person wants. The more points, the more likely I’m going to agree to it. For example, if you have a request for a specific blog entry, that would be 15 Jamey Points. For a while I was actively announcing all the Jamey Points that I’m giving away; now it’s just assumed that if you say something awesome, you get some points.

    • It’s not exactly a blog first…the comments on certain posts, like the Friends post or the Should I Go on a Date with This Woman post, kept flowing in well after the first day.

      Yesterday was a great day for hits, though. The blog, which averages about 500 hits/day, got 1,023 hits yesterday. We’ve already passed the 500 mark today.

  10. Thought I’d throw in my list too.

    1.Be honest. I don’t care if it’s going to hurt; I want to know the truth. But if you rip that band-aid off the wrong way, you better run!

    2.Tell me I’m beautiful even when I’m sick. Every woman needs to know they are appreciated by someone other than their parents.

    3.Don’t drive my Land Rover like a race car. I hate filling up my gas tank EVERY day!

    4.Help an old lady across the street or give a high five to a child and I will melt.

    5.Self-sacrifice is the quickest way to get my attention. Give up your lunch break to fix a stranger’s flat tire and I will be your friend for life.

    6.Say thank you! Honestly, how did so many people grow up without manners?

    7.Laugh often and from your gut. Everyone knows when you’re faking it so don’t even bother.

    8.Sarcastic humor is my favorite! I get that from living with an Englishman.

    9.Tell me my kid is cute. I know he is but I still love to hear it.

    10.Don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe. Go against the grain and I will respect you.

    11.Have faith in yourself. The only one holding you back in life is YOU.

  11. Amy, Jamie, allow me to correct you. You are delusional. Honesty is hardly ever the best policy. Take it from someone who has been turned down by every woman I have asked out for the last 4 years. Honesty blows. I have been rejected in every way possible. I’ve even caused 2 women to move simply by asking them to dinner, and I can tell you from experience that it’s always better to get an excuse. It doesn’t even have to be a good excuse. Remember when Zack was sitting with the nerds because Wendy the Girl With the Giant Bow didn’t want to go to the dance with him. Ollie and Ronald told him to at least come up with an excuse, like his date moved to France or joined the space program.

    They were absolutely right. You need the lie. The lie makes your feel good about getting rejected. Even if it’s a generic lie, at least you can say to yourself “See, it wasn’t about my strangely lined hands. She just needs some time to work on herself.”

    The lie is important. Always provide the lie.

  12. Brad,
    I can see why honesty can be tough to swallow sometimes. There are good and bad ways of going about it. Some people think that because it’s the truth that they can be brutal in how they present it. But in reality they are just being cruel.


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