NewsFlash: to Partner with Depends

How many times have you been at a baseball game, having a great time, and just as things start to heat up, you have to go to the bathroom?

By the time you get back from the crowded, dirty restroom, the home team has hit several grand slams and your girlfriend is making out with the beer man on the Kiss Cam.

Happens every time, right?

No more, I say. Thanks to a new partnership with Depends-brand adult diapers, I’d like to introduce you to a new line of products for active young adults. Potential uses include (but are not limited to):

  • Lord of the Rings marathons
  • Dance clubs where you don’t want to lose your friends and spend the rest of the night shouting “I’m at the bar! Where are you?” into your phone
  • Edward 40-Hands parties
  • First dates
  • Concerts

Although I’ve never used Depends, I’ve often thought about the advantages of never having to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. When I’m out for dinner with friends or at a house party, I’m always concerned that I’ll miss the best part of the conversation if I go to the bathroom. I worry that I’ll spend the rest of the night trying to decipher some inside joke about peanut butter and Tiger Woods. Just last night I played nearly 3 hours of poker without leaving the table. I had to pee the entire time.

The obvious solution is that I need to install a toilet in my pants. Thanks to Depends, that will soon become a reality.

Depends for Young Adults will be fully customizable with logos from your favorite sports teams, celebrities, and movies. For you ladies, may I recommend Depends for Young Adults SPANX (for clubbing) and Depends for Young Adults Thongs (perfect for hiding panty lines or for wearing under bikinis on the beach).

What will you use your Depends for? (Yeah, that’s right–I’m going to try to make a conversation out of this crazy entry. I dare you to play my game.)

(Reminder: This is the last weekend to submit your entries for the Tournament of Awkwardness.)

24 Responses to “NewsFlash: to Partner with Depends”

  1. Mena says:

    You’re insane!

    A friend of mine tried out adult diapers while in college. He and his buddies wanted to see what it was like to defecate in a diaper. He said it was pretty gross. I can’t say I’ve ever been interested in trying it out. I’ll try to delay my Depends days until I have no other options. Also, “Depends for Young Adults Thongs” would be useless. Terrible idea.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Mena–I originally got the idea from a few hipster friends (dudes) who used to spend their Friday evenings in the summer just hangin’ out, drinking from one of two 40s of malt liquor strapped to their hands, wearin’ diapers so they wouldn’t have to rush through the 40s. Very odd, of course, to willingly choose to sit in a puddle of your own urine, but they had fun with it.

  2. Jamie says:

    Will there also be Depends thongs for the ladies who want to wet themselves but also avoid those embarassing panty lines?

  3. @JMJKDulce says:

    Sick dude, sick.

  4. Chelly says:

    I don’t know how familiar you are with spanx, but most of them (if not all) are “crotchless” in a manner of speaking… Aside from torturing yourself and not being able to breathe, they are also designed so that you don’t have to take them off to pee.
    After learning that, how do you feel about spanx now? Haha

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Ah, I see. I’m very new to the world of spanx, so I did not know that. I guess in some respects that should make spanx slightly more sexy. But I don’t think there’s anything sexy about spanx.

      I’m fascinated that all these years, I’ve been talking to women at parties and bars who are wearing spanx under their clothes (and by “talking to women” I mean that I’m making eyes at them from across the room and nursing my beer. Pretty much the same thing). While I’m comfortable in my boxers or briefs, they’re gasping for breath. Fascinating.

      The next time I encounter a woman wearing spanx, I want them to tell me. Just once.

  5. Chelly says:

    Even on the most beautiful woman, spanx are not sexy. The most common of spanx start mid-thigh and stop right below the bra area. I would be shocked if a woman told you she was wearing a crotchless, nylon body suit lol

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      LOL I think her admitting that to me would make me instantly like her more.

      • Katie says:

        It’s a secret code amongst women that we don’t talk about when we’re wearing spanx. Even to each other. I find it difficult to even acknowledge to myself that I’m wearing them.

        Also, I’m confused. You said about “I don’t think there’s anything sexy about spanx” but then said you would like a woman more for admitting that she was wearing them. Does that mean you’d appreciate the honesty and vulernability of the confession, but don’t have a desire to actually see her wearing it?

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Exactly–I’d appreciate the honesty of the confession. Plus (and I don’t think I’m alone among men for saying this), I’m generally curious about what undergarments women are wearing.

          Do I want to see a woman walk around my condo wearing spanx? Nope.

  6. Christine says:

    Uh, you forgot not having to stop for bathroom breaks on roadtrips! Remember the crazy astronaut lady?

  7. Katie says:

    I’m going to take a different approach to this and counter the claim that these would be perfect for “active young adults.” Instead, I think these would be ideal for slackers who are too lazy to stop gaming or watching Jerry Springer to relieve themselves in a proper fashion. I could see this becoming a trend among the RPG community, if it’s not already!

    However, Depends under a bikini at the beach? Awful idea. I’m pretty sure it would swell to 8 times it’s normal size and weigh 15 lbs if fully immersed in water.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Katie–Those are great uses of DFYA!

      Ha ha…I know that the bikini idea is laughable. That’s why I included it. (Everyone knows that this is satire, right? I sure hope so. At least, it’s 95% satire.)

  8. Kate says:

    I’m pretty disgusted with this idea of thong and spanx adult diapers… In the future, can we only mention non-disgusting panties?

  9. Brad says:

    This is disgusting. Urination should not be discussed in public.

    (Sorry. This is a sensitive topic. Two of the worst encounters of my life started with urination.)

  10. Jasmin says:

    This reminds me of a SNL skit on diaper throng for babies.

  11. Emma says:

    Depends: Conquering FOMO since 1984.

    These could do wonders while camping, especially on a cold night.

Leave a Reply