Your Greatest Fear #27: Trash-Talking After Butt-Dialing

Today’s guest blog is brought to you by blog visitor, beta reader extraordinaire, and Blank Slate Press selection committee member Ansley. She has a very specific fear to share with you today that I’m going to add to my coda of greatest fears.

I have some pretty wacky fears.

(Insert horse picture here.)

(Insert clown picture here.)

(Insert a picture of a male breastfeeding a baby here [thanks, Jamey].)

Editor’s Note: I thought it would be funnier to leave Ansley’s descriptions of scary photos than insert the actual photos. Plus, no one wants to look at a clown photo. Ever.

BUT…my greatest fear is that I will butt-dial someone while trash-talking someone and they will hear the entire diatribe.

You might think I’m a nice person. And you’d be right. But, unfortunately, when someone gets on my bad side, I am VERY easily persuaded to list their faults and annoying behaviors. I can go on for hours, actually, which isn’t a good thing, but I suppose it’s a gift. I can really get going and I have this bad habit of checking my phone to make sure the person I’m crabbing about isn’t listening in on the conversation.

It actually happened today when my dear friend came over to get help on her reality TV application. My mom called and I immediately ignored the call, silencing the ring.

“Oh lord, it’s my mom again. I wonder what insane request she might have for me now. Maybe she’s wanting me to head to the grocery store to pick up some milk and then send me a text with a list of the 15 other things she needs. Or, maybe she wants me to make her bed. Or, maybe she just wants to tell me something I have absolutely no interest in hearing and I’ll have to put up with her for an entire story.”

And then I stop.

Oh shit. Did I really push “ignore” or did I actually ANSWER THE PHONE?!?!?!?!?!

I tell myself that this is an irrational thought and that OF COURSE I didn’t answer the phone. But, I checked anyway. 3 times. In a row.

This is an actual fear. Does anyone else have this fear?


6 Responses to “Your Greatest Fear #27: Trash-Talking After Butt-Dialing”

  1. Anne Riley says:

    YES OMG. And, okay, this wasn’t a butt dial, but a few years ago I went to a concert with a guy I was dating at the time. There was this super annoying girl at the table next to us (small venue) and she was TRASHED. It was apparently her birthday, because she kept screaming IT’S MY BIIIIIRRRRTHDAAAAAAY! during all the quiet parts of the songs.

    SOOO IRRITATING.

    The next night, the guy and I came back to the same venue for a different show. We started making fun of the Birthday Girl, impersonating her drunken behavior, and suddenly I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.

    It was the girl next to us.

    “That was my friend,” she said. “The girl your making fun of. She’s my best friend. It was her birthday. She was just having fun.”

    AND THEN WE DIED.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      “And then we died.” Ha ha ha.

      I think you were perfectly justified in making fun of the annoying birthday girl. Sure, she was “just having fun,” but I’m guessing that most people at the concert didn’t sign up to have “It’s my birthday!” screamed during every quiet part.

      Good story, though.

      And thanks to Ansley for her well-told and hilarious guest blog!

    • Ansley says:

      Anne, I did something similar in high school. One of our fellow bandmates and I were walking down the hallway and were discussing the hottness factor of the different band dudes. You had your automatic Bobby Kerley but when I mentioned Brandon Cook, the girl was all, “Really? He looks like Jesus or Moses or something. Too biblical.” I replied huffily, “No way…Brandon Cook is hot. I’m going to marry him.”
      Then, I heard it. A not so well stifled laugh. I turned around.

      Brandon Cook was 5 feet behind me.

      I still think he’s hot.

  2. Brad says:

    No. No more. This is it. No more mentioning male lactation. I mean it.

  3. Brad says:

    Don’t say nip.

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