My Greatest Fear #28: Spitting My Drink All Over a Date

I’ll start off by saying that like all of my greatest fears, this has never happened. I’m sorry to disappoint.

But it COULD happen.

On a date the other day, it occurred to me that this fear has come to mind on many dates. I’ll be taking a sip of water or beer, and suddenly I’ll become overly conscientious with swallowing very slowly and carefully.

I mean, we’ve all spit up our drinks before, right? A little drop of liquid catches in the back of your throat and instantly your body responds, projecting all of the liquid in your mouth in a spray that covers anyone and everyone within a 5-foot radius.

Can you imagine the horror of that happening on a date? I imagine it playing something like this:

Her (laughing at something amazing I just said): That is SO funny. I love it when cats do that. In fact, I know it’s only our second date, but I love you.

Me: I know.

Her: Did you just pull a Han Solo on me?

Me (slightly aroused by the fact she knows Star Wars that well): Maybe…depends on whether or not you’re Princess Leia in this situation.

Her (arching an eyebrow): I DO have an exact replica of that tiny bikini she wears in Episode VI.

Me (fully aroused, trying to retain my composure by taking a sip of Newcastle): BLETCH!

Her: You just spit all over me. This is over. We’re done. (Marches out of the bar, pausing to make out with some dude who looks like Jar Jar Binks)

Yeah. It could happen. I hope that it never does, but it could. Maybe it’ll actually end up being like that romantic spit-take scene on Parks and Rec.

Has this ever happened to you? What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done on a date?


14 Responses to “My Greatest Fear #28: Spitting My Drink All Over a Date”

  1. Ansley says:

    I choked on a piece of broccoli. The gagging, tears streaming from your eyes, red face, full on choke. So, I didn’t spit anything on him, but the ENTIRE RESTAURANT looked at me. Ugh, so awful.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Ansley–I’ve heard that people can end up chocking to death at restaurants because they’re afraid to make a scene. They go to the bathroom, have no one to help them, and die. So although I’m sure it was embarrassing to choke in public, I’m glad it was in public!

  2. Melanie says:

    I would much rather have someone spit up there drink on me than what happened to me on a date. A million years ago before I was married, I was on a date and we were getting ready to share the first big milestone of a relationship…the first kiss. He leans in, I lean in, we each close our eyes… and he belches in my mouth mid smooch. I actually tasted his Dr. Pepper. I would’ve handled it better, had he not laughed and said, “ah man that was hilarious! Oh, yeah… sorry about that.” Instant. Date. Ender.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Melanie–Wow, that’s pretty terrible. Especially on the first kiss. Or any kiss. Ever. Into your mouth?! I’d probably never kiss again.

  3. Elaine says:

    This is semi-related and I can’t believe I’m sharing this story in public.

    I met a guy out one night at a bar. First date, he challenged me to a thumb war at the bar. And then didn’t let go. So we were holding hands across a high top table. Awkward.

    A week later, same guy calls and says he’s near my place and wanted to stop by. I was leaving soon to go to a movie, so I said prob not. He stops by anyway and starts makin moves on me on the couch. I wasn’t receptive. Here’s a summary of the night:

    Him: do you want to just lay down and cuddle?
    Me (not even interested in him, btw): umm.. I have to get going soon.

    He keeps trying to make his moves and I don’t return it.

    Me: look, nothing is gonna happen here. I’m not doing anything.
    Him: ok. Then could I just lick you all over?
    Me: uh, no.
    Him: alright… what if I just masturbate in front of you?
    Me: NO.
    Him: ok, then can I use your bathroom for a minute?
    Me: NO. I think you should leave.
    Him: fine. I will. And I don’t think this is gonna work out. You’re not affectionate enough for me.

    So really… there are worse things you can do on a date than spit your drink out.
    🙂

    In hindsight, I should have not let him in my house. I live alone and was 25 at thetime.

  4. Orianna says:

    Gosh, mine doesn’t seem as riveting. Guy, who was inordinately cute, wore a bit too much cologne. I sneezed inevitably several times. Luckily, after a breath mint.

  5. Orly says:

    Jamey-

    After reading your thoughtful post regarding having your content copied and left uncredited, I was surprised to find what is clearly an old but valuable publicity photography published with credit to what is equally clearly a secondary source. I do not think you would care to argue that ‘CrackTeam.org’ owns the copyright to that image. Just something to think about.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Orly–Absolutely. I think in this particular case, it’s pretty clear that the Parks and Rec photo is the property of NBC (even though it’s a screenshot), not aubrey-plaza.blogspot.com, and the Star Wars photo is the property of Lucasfilm (not crackteam.org). However, I can’t prove it, since the images came up on a Google Image search and are attributed to those sites. So I’m giving credit to those sites by linking the images to those sites (but I don’t want to caption the photos with credit to those sites, since those sites clearly don’t own the copyright to those images). It’s one of those areas where I’m trying to do the right thing, but honestly, I’m not sure I am. And I have way too many images on this blog that aren’t properly attributed or linked, and that’s 100% my fault. I’m working on that. I’ve always operated under the idea that I don’t make money from this site–no advertising, at least–and thus I’m not using someone else’s property to make money. Also, I’m not passing them off as my own photography (but I could be more clear about that too).

      I will say this, though, and this is a very important distinction: If anyone ever contacted me and asked me to take down their photo or to credit them (if they’re the original source), I’d have it down within minutes. No question.

      Thanks for your thoughts. If you have any more insight about properly accrediting photos for which I don’t know the proper accreditation, please let me know in the comments or e-mail me at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com.

  6. Katy says:

    I think this is a perfectly reasonable fear to have. While I can’t recall ever spitting out a drink myself (I’m sure it has though, since most days I’m proud just to eat a meal without spilling food or drink on myself, whoever I’m with, or the table), I have witnessed one of the most awful spit ups ever just within the last year.

    A few months ago while sharing an embarrassing story of my own, the person I was speaking to happened to be drinking scalding hot coffee that resulted in it coming out her nose because she started laughing so hard. And it wasn’t pretty. Also, I’m pretty sure it was quite painful and embarrassing for that person since there were several other witnesses present for this moment.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Wow. That sounds extremely painful. Hot coffee coming out of her nose? That probably stung for days.

      I went to Starbucks for a date several years ago and ordered a hot tea. I didn’t realize how hot it would be until I took my first sip, and I’m pretty sure it seared off the top layer of skin on my tongue. Despite the pain I was in (and the difficulty it took to talk afterwards), I managed to maintain my composure. I don’t think my date knew a thing.

      • Katy says:

        I think she was fully recovered by the next day, but I’m sure it hurt the rest of the night when it happened. And the incident hasn’t curtailed her love of coffee any that I’ve noticed.

        I’m very familiar with the hot tea burning the skin off your tongue phenomenon– it happens just about every time I order tea at Starbucks or St. Louis Bread Company (Panera). I guess those places must think the only way to brew a cup of tea is by using boiling hot water. Sorry to burst your bubble, but she probably knew something was up when it happened. 🙂

  7. […] it here. It’s amazing that this happened. Shared by Melanie on my post about my fear of spitting my drink all over my date (there are several other great stories in the comments, including a great one from Elaine): I […]

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