How to Fake Your Own Death

I know, morbid title, right? I want to say up front that this is not something I’m considering. I mean, if I was, I wouldn’t be writing it on this blog. (Now I’m faced with the challenge of tagging this entry. “Humor,” I guess?) I’m not condoning this in any way.

However, I had a really interesting discussion about this topic yesterday with a forensic anthropologist, and I thought I’d share my findings and get your thoughts.

First and foremost, there needs to be a body. If there’s no body, you’re presumed missing, not dead. So you need to procure a dead body.

Second, unfortunately for the dead body, you’ll need to pull all of its teeth and then burn it. Apparently getting a DNA sample from the charred remains of a body is nearly impossible.

Third, you’ll need to cut off your finger or pull one of your teeth and burn them too, but not as much as the dead body. You’ll then plant the finger/tooth on the dead body for the forensic examiner to use to identify the body as you.

Fourth, you need to never been seen again. I have no advice for you there. Any ideas? I wouldn’t even know where to start. You’d need a fake passport, I’m sure. And some way to acquire all of the life insurance money. I don’t know how to do those things. Surely there’s a Seth Rogan movie that gives comical instructions on how to adopt a new identity.

Most morbid post ever? I hope I didn’t offend anyone’s sensibilities. Here’s a poll: