If You Were a Zombie…

There’s no way I could eat Teresa Palmer. I’d just want to make out with her and touch her pretty hair with my zombie fingers.

If you were a zombie, which celebrity would you most want to eat?

There are several approaches you could take with your answer. The first is a celebrity that is so incredibly annoying that you would totally target him or her if you were a brain-hungry zombie. The second is a celebrity that would be so delicious to a mindless zombie that you would hone in on the scent from miles away. The third…I’m sure there’s a third. You can think of it.

I’m going to go with the second–just like I’m a jovial drunk, I think I’d be a fun-loving zombie who just wants a good meal. Thus my answer, unequivocally, would be Salma Hayek. Salma, you’re wonderful, and if I were human I’d feel bad. But I’m a zombie in this scenario, and you’re a delicious gordita with breasts.

Who would be your celebrity snack if you were a zombie.


11 Responses to “If You Were a Zombie…”

  1. Erin H. says:

    Russell Crowe. In my personal opinion, he’s analogous to day-old pizza–I bet he was hot and fresh during his youth…But add a little shelf life and this man becomes a savory slice of heaven (especially in the morning).

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Erin, I like how you knew this answer immediately. It’s almost as if you had thought about this. You can never be too prepared to become a zombie.

  2. Katie says:

    Hahaha, this is the perfect analogy for Russell Crowe. At one point a sight to behold, but now he’s a little older and a bit crusty. You know you shouldn’t, but you’re definitely going to anyway!

  3. T-Mac says:

    I’m going to go with Mike Tyson. Take that, Tyson!

  4. Katie says:

    My vote is for Kevin James. I know, I know…out of all the people in the world, why would I pick Paul Blart, Mall Cop? I’ve got nothing against him–he doesn’t make the best movies in the world, but he seems like a pretty nice guy otherwise.

    But you see, the zombie world is tough. It’s like growing up in a large family–when food is put on the table, you’d better be quick about getting what you want, because it’s going to be gone in a flash. I feel like Kevin James is a little more substantial than most other celebrities, so I’ve got a fighting chance at getting a good meal.

    Plus, he probably taste like fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Sure, Ryan Reynolds is pretty, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’d be left with an aftertaste of protein shakes and HGH if I chose him.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I like your logic, but I wonder if there’s someone more southern who would taste even more like fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Who’s the lady on the cooking network who loves butter and fried chicken? She wears a lot of makeup and her skin is gaunt from tanning, but the butter might make her delicious.

      • Katy says:

        Do you mean Paula Deen? She probably would be southern cooking flavored, which is never really a bad thing.

        She’d be a good choice, but I’d have to go with a celebrity who has had a ton of life experiences and played in some great roles (I’m hoping that the eating of their brains would give me some of their memories in this scenario), and since the world has become populated with zombies, I doubt many movies will be made at that point. My choice is one of my all time favorites: Harrison Ford.

        • Jamey Stegmaier says:

          Paula Deen! Yes! But good call on getting all those memories and life experiences. Harrison Ford would be awesome. I’m wondering if there are any celebrities that seem to have a lot of secrets or are a part of unsolved mysteries. You would finally know the real story from their perspective.

  5. Katie says:

    Yeah, unfortunately Paula Deen ended up with diabetes from all of her southern cooking, ya’ll. She’s stopped snacking on sticks of butter and has lost about 40 pounds apparently. Good for her, but bad for zombies.

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