The Future of Flatulence

This is a Dutch oven.

This is a Dutch oven.

Several years ago, my girlfriend at the time would chide me for doing something called a “Dutch Oven.” That term seems offensive to people from the Netherlands, so I’ll just call it “farting under the sheets” or “night flatulence.” Apparently I was a frequent offender.

At the time, we assumed that the bedtime odor du jour was a bad thing. Flash forward to last week, when an article in Time revealed that flatulence can actually mitigate the cell damage responsible for some diseases.

You read that correctly. Scientists have found that a small dose of human flatulence can prevent mitochondrial damage. Why were these scientists experimenting with farts? I have no idea. But I’m glad they did, because I think my value to the human race just significantly increased.

My only disappointment is that the article originally stated that flatulence can help cure cancer. No joke. But when I clicked on the link today to write this blog entry, I saw that the article had been corrected. One of the scientists must have frantically reached out to Time to clarify before things got really stinky.

So the next time you release a nighttime fart, turn to your loved one and say, “You’re welcome.”