Pet Please #117: Remembering All of the Things You Forgot to Add to Your Grocery List

Today I went to the grocery store with a very specific, short list:

  • hair stuff
  • carrots
  • syringes (my cat has diabetes)
  • instant breakfast (more on that in a future entry)

Of course, the staples (milk, juice, baby spinach) were in my head. What I didn’t realize when I walked into the store, though, was that this would be magical grocery shopping episode. No, I didn’t meet a cute girl in the cat treat aisle (someday!). This day, my friends, was The Day I Remembered All of the Things I Perpetually Forget to Add to My Grocery List.

If I don’t have a grocery list, I’m useless in the grocery store. I’ll be there for hours, and I’ll end up walking out with all the cookies and nothing else. So throughout the week I keep a running list on my phone when I think of things I want to cook or things I’m running low on.

But it seems that there are a few items that constantly evade my attempts to remember them. There’s a very slim margin of error for these items. If I don’t write them down within seconds of thinking of them, they’re gone.

This is why the sponge attachment I use to rinse dishes looks like Oscar the Grouch with cold sores. This is why I’ve been living in fear of spraying toilet water in my eyes. This is why I’ve been making fried chicken with butter and milk instead of buttermilk!

Not anymore. Today, one item after another, I checked the forbidden fruit off my list. First it was the buttermilk, which came to me like a silky caress in the night. Then it was the toilet cake, birthday cake’s ugly cousin. Then, when it seemed like it couldn’t get any better, I remembered the sponge attachment; or, as Winston noted on tonight’s episode of New Girl, “Spongy make wipey.”

New Girl? Nay–with these items I’ve been forgetting for months, I’m a new man.

Also, I got some cookies. 2 for $5 Milanos!

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5 Responses to “Pet Please #117: Remembering All of the Things You Forgot to Add to Your Grocery List”

  1. T-Mac says:

    I love the phrase “which came to me like a silky caress in the night”. I can only imagine what it looked like to the casual bystander when you realized you needed buttermilk.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      The casual bystander was privy to some very, very graphic displays of affection at that moment.

      • Dude, if you’re bored enough to blog your grocery list … ps I’m glad you mentioned your cat had diabetes. I saw the syringes the other night and got worried about you.

        BTW, if you need buttermilk, pour a tablespoon of lemon juice into a 1 cup measure, and fill with milk to one cup. Let it sit 10 minutes. Works just as well, provided there’s some fat in the milk.

        • Jasmin says:

          You should be worried, Derp. Jamey is a chocolate addict. He uses the syringes for putting chocolate straight into his blood stream for that caffeine high. He used to share the needle with Biddy. Now, that Biddy is a diabetic, they don’t do chocolate shots together anymore. But definitely a chocolate shot for Jamey and a shot of insulin and a couple licks of ice cream for Biddy twice a day.

          I’m sorry, but everyone needs to know! You need an intervention. I can’t stand idly by as my friend is slowly getting to a sugary death! Just last week I saw him laying there with seven boxes of chocolate mushrooms, two one gallon jugs of chocolate milk, and bags upon bags of chocolate treats with some catnip. All empty. Empty! All of them! For one cat! Biddy, we need to talk. You are a diabetic now. I never thought you would fall off the no sweets wagon so badly. I don’t want to find you like this.
          https://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzvsd4aX461r2o9ai.png Don’t be like the bird. There’s really no going back then. Oh, and Jamey, you too.

  2. Jok says:

    That is present to the viewers of the show.

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