A Mother’s Day Apology

Last night, Saturday Night Live featured a really neat opening monologue in which many of the cast members brought their real-life mothers to the stage and apologize for something silly or annoying they did as a kid. I thought I’d do the same today.

I did plenty of boneheaded things growing up, but this was probably the worst. I’ve never told my parents about this.

This is the story of how I almost burned down my house by accident.

I think it was my art teacher in fourth or fifth grade who showed the class a stack of paper that had been glued together into a solid mass, then sanded down around the edges. It was nothing remarkable, but it looked cool, and I wanted to see if I could make it.

k2-_10ee05ae-8b37-4aad-8aab-9ad983fd3313.v1So when I got home that day, I glued together a bunch of pieces of paper. The problem was that I was not a patient child. I didn’t want to wait for days for the paper to dry properly. Before I headed out to soccer practice that night, I decided to accelerate the process.

I placed the gooey stack of paper on my desk and adjusted my desk lamp so it was less than an inch away from the paper. It was an old lamp that pumped an obscene amount of power into the light bulb–so much that it was too hot to touch. I figured the heat from the lamp would dry the glue in no time, and I’d be on my way to the myriad of pleasures a sanded chunk of sanded paper could bring a young man.

I’m not even sure if it was soccer practice that caused us to leave the house. All I know is that the entire family left the house. I made sure to leave last so that no one could see that I left the lamp on–we were a family that didn’t leave lights on when we left the room, much less the house.

This story wouldn’t have left the slightest mark on my memory were it not for what I discovered when I came home. I ran up to my room to find a pillar of smoke curling up from the paper. The desk lamp had sunk into the paper, and the light bulb was burning a hole through the paper. I have no doubt that it was mere minutes away from going up in flames, and with it the rest of the house.

We had returned home just in time to avert disaster, and no one knew about it with me. I was really shaken when I realized how dumb I had been to leave such a hot lamp so close to flammable objects, and I knew how lucky I was.

So Mom, to commemorate Mother’s Day 2015 in the spirit of the Saturday Night Live cast, I’m sorry for almost burning down the house.

What’s a boneheaded thing you did when you were little that you’d like to apologize to your mother for?

5 thoughts on “A Mother’s Day Apology”

  1. Hum, I could say “You know that your kids are mature when they will finally share some childhood secrets” or in reality is is ” You know you are old when you hear of things long ago” Either way I am glad to finally know some truths. Is there any other children that have some secrets to share?

  2. It took me a long time to figure out this whole “being polite” thing. I was waiting in line with my mother at a craft store when she stepped out to get something else. Another mom with her probably 11-year-old daughter came back in line after me. My mom stepped up with me and I said “excuse me, Mom, I think this young lady was here first.”

    My mother was dead silent until we got out to the car. And that’s when I learned that being polite doesn’t mean not holding a place in line for your mother.

    I’m sorry, Mom.


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